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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Money as a gift.

47 replies

Nicae · 10/01/2018 22:56

DH is soon to inherit a lot of money, not sure of exact amount as is all still with solicitors but it will be enough to clear our mortgage and leave us with substantial savings. When we found out this was going to happen we decided we'd have £1000 each to do exactly what we liked with (I was thinking jewellery - a real amazing treat to just go and buy something lovely).
Since then my sister who owns her property but earns a low wage and has very little left after mortgage and bills had a scare. She thought she was going have to make some repairs to her flat which would cost upwards of £5,000. It's money she doesn't have but as a family we would have helped her out with her slowly paying us back. It turned out that the repairs weren't needed but will be in 5-10 years time and DSis is going to try and save for them. It will be hard and she does like to shop (she's never been in debt, doesn't have a credit card just like to spend her money when she can).
So, my AIBU, I'd like to give her my 'fun' £1000 but on the proviso that she uses it to kick start her savings. She's a grown woman and I understand once I give her the money she could do what she likes with it really but AIBU to give it to her and tell her what I'd like it to be used for?

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercheese · 11/01/2018 09:25

I have helped my siblings But have tended to buy them stuff when they need it, so for instance a fridge freezer.

If you do give your sister 1k and she doesn't keep it saved how will you feel? I'm not saying don't gift it to her it's just that you allude to her not being good at saving.

I would probably pay for the repair for the full amount at the time. As soon as you gift money but with an explicit wish in how that is to be spent you are creating a situation where there is a potential for disharmony.

Plus what's your idea of substantial savings, I'm not asking for an amount. But living to your current standards how many years of living expenses?

MatildaTheCat · 11/01/2018 09:31

I gave/ lent a sizeable sum to a sibling for urgent house repairs. Some was spent on the house and some ( quite a lot) wasn’t. I was pretty fed up tbh.

If someone is really short of cash it’s just so tempting to use the money for other stuff, might be everyday spending or something like a holiday. It’s extremely difficult to ringfence the money so give it with the intention of it starting savings for the house but be aware she may spend it on something else entirely. You have to be ok with that.

MotheringMilly · 11/01/2018 09:32

If she likes to shop as you put it then she’s likely to just spend knowing she’ll get the £1k.

I see it all the time with family members, they plead poverty but they always put their kids in expensive clothes, buy takeaways and that kind of thing. But they simply don’t see it and have no concept of being able to save.

If you haven’t mentioned the inheritance then I would probably keep it to yourself as well, money has a nasty habit of driving a wedge.

constantchange · 11/01/2018 09:35

money has a nasty habit of driving a wedge.

It wouldn't if the OP gave it as a gesture of goodwill. I really can't see why you'd need to think twice about helping a family member out when you're about to have such good fortune yourself.

AutumnalTed · 11/01/2018 09:35

I agree with PP about matching what she saves up to a total of 1000

NeversayNever2 · 11/01/2018 09:36

Tricky situation.
Will you save all the rest of the money? Do you you need to treat yourself.
Also incredibly... Once you give a tiny bit she may feel resentful you didn't give more... And pay it all or spend it now then be in a really tight spot in five years asking for more or making you feel like you should give more.
Saving really is a mindset and habit that takes some time to aquire. Five years seems like a long time off.

Of you dint want to give her more than a grand I would be tempted to give her 500 and invest the other 500 for when she needs it... Then any left over she can have on top of her own savings.
Or just pay the repairs out right.

Re money from in laws... No amount of money could buy back the years of misery they have inflicted on me!!!

Original poster

Nicae · 11/01/2018 09:54

Hehe, I'm not sure what the fact that certain inlaws irritate me beyond all belief has to do with this!
I'd love to give her all the money but it's not possible and actually I don't think she'd take it anyway. Thank you to all those who replied to the point of my AIBU - looks like money can certainly make people bitter!

OP posts:

ShuttyTown · 11/01/2018 10:02

I agree that 1K is being a bit tight. You're paying off your mortgage, will be left with a 'substantial' amount for savings and you are also inheriting your own amount! Your sister needs repairs to her home. I'd give her it in a heartbeat

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 10:05

How on earth is OP being tight?! She's under no obligation to give anyone anything anyway, and is specifically asking advice on how to handle the situation! Give her a break!

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 10:09

@LemonSqueezy0
Cuz shes getting a mortgage free life chocblock full of savings through zero work or effort on her part and is wondering whether she should buy a diamond necklace or help her cash strapped sis.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/01/2018 10:12

I think gifts with strings attached are always risky. You could say "I'm going to give you £X and I hope it will help you to pay for the repairs" but you can't dictate what she spends the money on. If you give her the money, you have to accept that she may not spend it as you wished

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 11/01/2018 10:12

constantchange · 11/01/2018 10:15

Cuz shes getting a mortgage free life chocblock full of savings through zero work or effort on her part and is wondering whether she should buy a diamond necklace or help her cash strapped sis.

Exactly this ^

Original poster

Nicae · 11/01/2018 10:18

Blimey, if giving someone the only money you intended to spend on yourself is tight then I hold my hands up. I thought I was being nice, I stand corrected.

OP posts:

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 11/01/2018 10:19

@Nicae
?
You have a house?
Which you havent had to work to own?
And shit loads of savings?
Take another grand out the savings pot.

constantchange · 11/01/2018 10:24

To be honest I'd have a hard time getting all the money you are and not giving a penny of it to my sister unless explicitly for repairs on her home.

You say "She's a grown woman and I understand once I give her the money she could do what she likes with it really but AIBU to give it to her and tell her what I'd like it to be used for?" which is contradictory. Can she or can't she do with it what she likes? If you're giving someone money, it's not really a gesture of goodwill if you're dictating what it will be spent on. What would be lovely for her is if you gifted it and she could spend it in whatever which way she wanted without feeling guilty that she's not spending it how you want her to.

You say you're only spending 1k on yourself now but surely you're going to have a few ££ extra each month now you're not paying off the mortgage? I assume you'll be spending that money on yourself?

Original poster

Nicae · 11/01/2018 10:28

if it was coming to me alone it would be very different I agree, but by far the vast majority is coming to my husband and is to be used for our children's future. That was why we decided to have the set amount for ourselves as a treat, it's the only non-specified money and as such what I am going to give my sister. You are right thigh, I can't specify what does with it.

OP posts:

LemonSqueezy0 · 11/01/2018 10:52

I didnt think she was being tight as it's her DH inheritance in the first instance, and they would also have obligations to provide for their own children. Her sister likes to spend, so isn't entirely helpless and at the mercy of the OPs largesse to be fair. She has years to save up, she's hardly on the streets while the OP eats diamonds for dinner! I read it as OP trying to navigate how not to be patronising while possibly giving up her own treat...

OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/01/2018 10:53

People are very entitled with other people money I see.
You are seriously calling the OP tight for wanting to be sure that the money she very generously wants to gift her sister is used for investment? Her sister pleads poverty but likes spending on non-essentials, I am sorry but that means that the grown ass woman does not need more spending money, she needs finance with a purpose (her house), and learn how to save like a big girl. OP is not her mother.

LaurieMarlow · 11/01/2018 11:06

Good lord, this thread is ridiculous. The OP is being very generous gifting her 'treat' money to her sister. It's clear that the majority of the money is not hers to do what she likes with. Calling her tight is bonkers.

As to the specific OP, it's a difficult one. I'd be inclined to put it away for her until the time comes. If you give it to her now and she fritters it away, that would be very frustrating for you.

FinallyHere · 11/01/2018 11:29

I might if she spent it all and then needed extra help later on though...

Honestly, I would hang on to it, until she needs it. Imagine indeed how you would feel if she spent it on other things and then needed more help.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/01/2018 11:32

she likes to shop

This really worries me. I don't think there's a chance in hell that your £1,000 will be put into savings for her future disaster. Not one chance, especially as this disaster won't happen for a few years.

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