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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you ASK if you can drop round, not TELL

31 replies

User2837 · 10/01/2018 12:38

Text from MIL - "going to try and pop round at 6 tonight after work".

Oh is that right now?

I've replied letting her know how busy we are and she just blanks me. Something she does when she isn't happy with the reply she gets.

How can I let her know to ask in future and let us know in advance (we usually have things planned on the day)?? I don't want to start an argument or end up sounding like a twat, but we have a baby and a little notice and ASKING would do us all a favour

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 10/01/2018 12:51

OP, I'm with you on this but I know that for some people, dropping by is considered fine and dandy. I don't think there's any need for upset, I would just try to train her out of it. But, I would be specific. So, don't reply, "We're a bit busy..." etc which is vague and could be misunderstood. Be specific, eg, "Sorry, can't do tonight. How about the park on Saturday if the weather's nice?" That way, you sound reasonable and she knows you want to see her, just another time that suits you all.

WineAndTiramisu · 10/01/2018 12:53

You need to be more specific, text back with "doubt I'll be back by then, how about Friday at 2?" Or even "make it a bit later, I'll be out then" rather than a vague message about how busy you are, might help?

CAAKE · 10/01/2018 12:59

I'm with you OP. We recently moved and on meeting the Vicar in the street he announced that he'd "call in one morning this week" 😳

It was the most stressful week of my LIFE keeping the house tidy in case he came by. He didn't, as it turns out (at least not while we were in).

A580Hojas · 10/01/2018 13:05

Text back "what for?"

If she's coming to see you and/or gc just to spend time with you then "popping round" is no good.

If she's coming to collect something or drop something off and it's been prearranged then I can't see the harm in her suggesting a time. You've had several hours notice.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/01/2018 13:27

She blanks you?

Then you blank back by not answering the door!

'Why didn't you let me in?'

(blank look) 'Did you not get my text? I said we were busy. Come to think of it you didn't reply - I expected you to get back to me to arrange a mutually convenient time, ah well, wasted journey eh?'

MrTrebus · 10/01/2018 13:31

I think you're all being a bit harsh but clearly none of you like your MIL! I love mine and if she text me that I'd reply Great stay for dinner DD will love to see you. Get over yourselves, MILs won't be around forever.

stickytoffeevodka · 10/01/2018 13:33

Don't answer the door.

DP's family are "popper inners" although as his mum has gotten older and can't walk as far, she's now reliant on one of us to go and collect her, which makes things a bit easier as she can't just appear on the doorstep.

If I don't want to be disturbed I just ignore the front door. If it's important they'll either call or drop a note through the letterbox.

TheQueenOfWands · 10/01/2018 13:34

My parents rang the other day asking if they could pop round (had a few boundary issues and I've recently relieved them of their key), I was painting bookchubby room, had bookcases in weird locations, piles of books everywhere covered in dustsheets, was sweaty and had reach that point during decorating where you wish you'd never started.

I said no, stating the above and my dad slammed the phone down on me.

You have my sympathy.

Chrys2017 · 10/01/2018 13:36

I have this same problem with an elderly friend who lives round the corner. She will ring my bell without notice and ask if she can pop up for a cup of tea or if I want to go out and do something with her. I work from home so the interruption is sometimes (but not always) welcome! I wish she would just phone first but I don't know how to raise it. It's always "I was just passing by and thought I'd see if you're in".
I've been out with her on another occasion and we were passing by the home of another friend of hers and she just gave a token knock on the door and then marched right inside! (Luckily that's not possible at my house.)
Argh! Is this a generational thing perhaps?

stickytoffeevodka · 10/01/2018 13:39

clearly none of you like your MIL!

I love my MIL. She's kind, generous, sweet and funny. But I don't like unexpected guests! Regardless of whether it's my MIL, my mum, my best friend or the neighbour.

Nothing to do with not liking my MIL - but any excuse to turn this into a MIL-bashing thread

MrsHathaway · 10/01/2018 13:39

I inadvertently trained PIL out of this by nearly always being out when they popped by (I was lonely on ML so went to the shop daily, several toddler groups and classes etc). If they rang first then I could say we'd be back by 2pm, or delay going out until they'd been.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/01/2018 13:41

Knew this would be about a MIL 😴

DancesWithOtters · 10/01/2018 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingingSixties · 10/01/2018 13:44

It depends who they are. My parents and ILs and friends would say this. I might say 'sorry, you can't as I'm / we're xxxxx' but usually wouldn't.

Sounds like she wants to see her son, her grandchild and perhaps you (assuming she likes you more than you like her).

Some people moan that family aren't supportive or interested ...

Goldenhandshake · 10/01/2018 13:46

I can't stand this, weekends I am more relaxed about it, but Mon-Fri we are lucky to be home by 6.45pm, we have to make dinner, bath/shower kids, supervise homework, make breakfasts and lunches for next day, and all the other crap that goes with working full time and 2 kids. When my mum texts saying she will pop in (very rarely actually turns up, but doesn't let you know either way)\I am sorely tempted to just say fuck no!

I now usually say, I've had to work late, won't be home til 8 as a deterrant.

beelover · 10/01/2018 13:49

Just wondering if all the outraged people saying dont answer the door are the same people to be found on other threads complaining about inlaws/parents that aren't jumping to offer endless free childcare whenever its demanded.

meredintofpandiculation · 10/01/2018 13:51

Is this a generational thing perhaps? Could be. When I was growing up there were no mobiles, and phone boxes were a complete pain, so unless you were at home you avoided phoning. Many people didn't have telephones at all (during my student years I had to use a phone box to phone parents, and they couldn't phone me at all). Phone calls were charged individually, so people were aware of the cost. So it's a culture change for me to remember that nowadays I have to phone someone before knocking on their door.

Can't see any problem with someone dropping by for a purpose (to deliver something or pick something up) and it's an added bonus to have a text giving prior warning. But the other side of dropping by is that an invitation into the house is not guaranteed - if they're busy or just don't want to, it'll be "thanks for dropping that off, see you" and the door shutting.

stickytoffeevodka · 10/01/2018 13:54

Nope, not at all. I just don't appreciated uninvited guests. I wouldn't dream of just turning up at someone else's house and expecting to be invited in - so I don't expect anyone else to do it to me. I actually think it's pretty rude to turn up uninvited and expect hospitality.

Graphista · 10/01/2018 14:01

MrTrebus just because YOUR mil is lovely DOESN'T mean everybody's is. Also just because YOU are fine with certain actions DOESN'T mean everyone else has to be - not how the world works.

There's always at least one eh!

My ex-mil is lovely I've been divorced from her son over a decade but we still chat, BUT when we lived near her she was a NIGHTMARE for just turning up unannounced and expecting us to dance attention on her EVEN if we were due somewhere. Eventually my ex had to be blunt with her. She was hurt and upset at first but when she calmed down (and ex fil reminded her that as a young mother she'd had the same problem with HER mum) it was all sorted. She asked we arranged mutually agreeable times - much better.

With the benefit of life experience and assertiveness training

DON'T apologise (this includes "sorry" "I'm afraid" "unfortunately")

Instead declare ("actually" "in fact")

Be clear not vague (not just "we're busy" but "we're doing X y X" "we don't have the time then")

Offer alternatives (but sat/the park/coffee would be lovely)

There's loads of assertiveness courses online have a look op.

EggsonHeads · 10/01/2018 14:02

When you have normal relations between family it's ok to tell a family member that you intend to drop by at x time and it is also ok to tell that family member that it's not convenient or you just don't want them to. In my experience people only force themselves on you if they think they wouldn't get to see you otherwise/not often enough and they only ignore you when they are trying to force themselves on you.

BalloonSlayer · 10/01/2018 14:02

Just reply with "sorry, won't be there xx"

Llangollen · 10/01/2018 14:03

That's just rude. I would not be there just to make a point.

In most families, after 6pm you are either:
still at work/ commuting/ taxing a child to or from after-school activity/ keeping the house quiet to ensure important homework are being done/ having some of your kids school friends staying over for diner etc..

Whatever you do, it's very rare that people have time to sit around leisurely for a cup of tea with their sudden visitors.

People turning up unannounced - or without giving you choice- believe that their time is more important than yours. The only solution is either to ignore the door, or be gone.

extinctspecies · 10/01/2018 14:05

Was coming on to post what BalloonSlayer said.

Text back that you'll be out. And then be out. Or don't answer the door.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 10/01/2018 14:08

Be out.

That is all. If you are feeling nice then you could text and tell her you'll be out.

In my experience you may need to do this a few times...

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 10/01/2018 14:11

My MIL does that but after 15 years I just accept her flaws as I accept those of my own Mother.

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