Was I wrong to override his parenting decision - long sorry

[marvmick]

NC for this as it may be outing.

DH and I have just had a big row and we don't row very often so I feel quite upset.

We have 2 DC both with SN, the eldest is diagnosed with ASD and is at secondary school and the youngest is on the pathway. Both have anxiety/ executive functioning issues and I do the bulk of liaising with professionals due to the fact that he works full time and brings the money in to pay mortgage etc. He works long hours which I am grateful for because I do struggle to work with the needs of the kids.
Life can be quite stressful.

Yesterday was a particularly stressful day. I had an important appointment for DD which was positive and then had to have dealings with school to try to convince them that she needs additional support. I also had to have discussions with DS's school about things that they have promised and not put into place and I had a discussion with CAHMs about a gap in provision. It was a particularly busy day from the point of view of dealing with the stresses of SN parenting. This is relevant because I'm particularly tired and stressed at the moment and DH knows this.

Late last night I realised that DS did not have the items needed for a food tech lesson, too late to go out to get the ingredients. Queue massive anxiety from DS. This morning I went out early left DH to sort kids out whilst I shop for food tech items. I am better at handling kids in the morning because, more often that not DH has already left for work. I get back to find that DD has not got out of bed yet and DH has decided to let her off her morning pre-school club this morning because 'she must be tired'.

I didn't agree with this got DD up and had 20 minutes to sort her packed lunch, DS's food tech that needed to be weighed and measured. Because DH hadn't got DD out of bed he hadn't sorted her school bag etc.

Normal morning panic, I get DD to school, tearful because 'Daddy had told me I don't need to go'.

I get back from dropping off DD from school and discover DS hasn't been given medication by DH!

I then lost it a bit. DH doesn't like to drive (but can drive) and I have a go at him about the fact that when I leave the house he can't handle the kids. He shouts back that he is an adult and had made a decision about DD and the breakfast club and that I ought to have respected that and that he's sick of me undermining him and left with a slam to the door.

My problem with the decision was that DD is anxious and will try to avoid everything and missing activities can be the thin end of the wedge.

Was I wrong to override the decision and should I apologise or should I stick up from myself that he should pull weight a bit more by driving so I'm not sodding responsible for everything except work?

Depends. Was he keeping her off because it meant that you'd have to deal with her after you came back? If so, YANBU. But equally, if he doesn't get to do a lot of the hands-on parenting, and then when he does get a chance, you basically say that he's made the wrong decision, I can understand why he'd feel a bit powerless and hopeless.

YANBU. The usual routine is DD gets up and goes to pre-school club. He's undermining everything by changing that on a whim. Realistically, he never would have suggested she missed it if you had been the one getting her up and ready. He just didn't want to bother dealing with it.

You were right to override. He didn’t want her to go to the breakfast club because it made less work for himself. He was being lazy.

Who would look after her if she wasn't at breakfast club?

YANBU. I’m a fan of ‘pick your battles’ but he wasn’t, he was doing what was easiest for him because he couldn’t be arsed. I would have been pissed off too.

Pidlan

Honestly I don't know. I don't think it was necessarily because he was being lazy and waiting for me to get back to handle it but I do think the fact that he doesn't know how to handle it factors in to the fact that it can be easier to give in than to push.

I am a bit shocked that he reacted this way which is why I wonder if I have handled it wrong or whether he is trying to deflect from my argument which is that he could get off his backside and help me out a bit more by driving.

Whilst the decision not to send dd to breakfast club may not have been the "right" one it might have been better to stick with it, given all the other stuff you had going on.

You are right

You are right and he is undermining you. Getting your kids up, dressed and at school on time is a basic of parenting. He knows that, and rather than admit he can't do it he has chosen to turn it back on you. That would concern me as much as his parenting skills.

Barbarianmum,

It would have been easier in the short term to have missed breakfast club but I'm not sure it would be in the long run. Next time she doesn't feel like it (which happens quite often due to anxiety/transition issues) then she could say 'well daddy didn't make me go'.

She does enjoy it while there by the way (I'm not an ogre- despite what DH thinks of me this morning).

I understand, but she was already at the stage of saying that due to his earlier decision. But up to you (of course) about whether better to deal with it this morning or next time.

If you are doing the bulk of looking after, he won't know how to manage them as well as you do. This would have been particularly obvious to him this morning and is why he was being defensive.

He does have the skills to get them up and dressed so I'm not sure his motive was 'can't be arsed'.

I think the motive is more likely to be feeling sorry for DD (she's a bit of a Daddy's girl) and has gone through a bit of a rough patch earlier. I think his view might be that it is not necessary (not compulsory) and seeing as I'm at home anyway it would make no difference to me.

I understand what you mean about it being a bad precedent to set, but I wouldn't have changed the decision. You've reinforced that you're the one who is really in charge and that his parenting decisions don't matter - which is also a bad precedent to set.

I think you should apologise for undermining him in front of the children but also ask him to drive. You can do both!

LauraMipsum, that's a good point. I'm tired and enraged and not seeing things clearly.

He slammed out because he knew he was in the wrong. You can handle it one of two ways, I think: apologise once he's home for 'undermining' him but ask him to listen to your reasons why, then ask what he thinks; refuse to apologise, explain you were cross because his (lazy, but best not say that) decision has longer term consequences that he doesn't have to deal with.

I think YWNBU, because he made a decision without appreciating the long-term consequences (because this is not his patch of parenting). His decision undermined your routines which you have, not to be 'in control' of morning parenting, but to get through what can be quite a toxic time every single day. It's right at the start of term, so re-establishing routine is important with the aim of reasonable mornings for the whole of this term.

He doesn't get this. He doesn't appreciate that his actions today have a longer-term impact on you, and looking at it more widely, on your DC's well-being (assuming here that the reason you do it like this is that predictable routine minimises their stress/difficulty, even on days when they don't quite see it like that). And because he doesn't get it, he doesn't realise how much his decision undermined everything you have achieved in getting good-enough mornings.

He feels undermined (at least he said that only to you and not in front of the DC). This might be a tipaof-the-iceberg moment for him.

You need to find the time to talk about this (no matter how difficult it is to find any time at all). Because you both need to get this back to manageable proportions. He made one bad call, and made one mistake (forgetting the meds). This is annoying - more than annoying whilst it's actually going on, but at root it's a one-off. But it's played into a bigger agenda for both of you. That's what needs sorted out. He feels marginalised, you feel you have to do everything or the whole damn edifice crumbles.

He needs to understand why routines are as they are, you need to talk to him more about this. But you also need to be able to take a break. That this has happened at a time when you feel stressed is not a coincidence. You say you appreciate his hard work in bringing in family income - have you told him that? I'm ready to bet he's not told you how he appepreciates everything you do either. Because there's no sense of 'in this together' from your post. What do you think would happen if you told him that you don't feel appreciated?

"I then lost it a bit. DH doesn't like to drive (but can drive) and I have a go at him about the fact that when I leave the house he can't handle the kids."

You might have disagreed with his decision, but losing it was a result of your overall stress, and throwing an accusation at him means that you do have to apologise to him for what you said. However this needs to lead to a conversation about your dd's needs for consistency.

We have similar issues in our house with special needs children, so I can understand how this might have played out. My dh has in the past done similar, and we have had to agree have conversations constantly about needs of the children and how we need to keep consistency, but how we need to adjust to changes in their needs but these changes need to be sorted in advance. Day to day changes need to be discussed in advance (even if that is a quick phone call to say this is what I am doing different today)

So in your situation your dh could have phoned you to say I am keeping her off breakfast club today, and that would have given you the chance to say no, rather than coming across as the big bad guy to your child. Also would have given you the chance to say ok, but you will need to drive her to school....or alternative. It is the fact that you are trying to hold everything together that is stressing you, he needs to take on some of the responsibility of understanding your childrens needs....

So in answer to your question of "Was I wrong to override the decision and should I apologise or should I stick up from myself that he should pull weight a bit more by driving so I'm not sodding responsible for everything except work?"
Sorry I have waffled here, but hope it makes sense when I say it is both!!!!! Yes apologise for losing it and saying what you said, but also he needs to pull his weight more and understanding more too!

Personally, I think he was undermining you by saying she didnt have to go to breakfast club. That was a routine and an expectation you had clearly set by putting in the hard work day after day. For him to take over for just one morning and say she didnt have to go is hugely disrespectful to you.

From dealing with a clinically anxious child myself I know it is VERY important to always make them go to events and activites that are planned. The thin end of the wedge doesnt even begin to decribe how much worse it makes their anxiety if they start to sense that an activity is optional. Helping/making anxious children face the issues that create anxiety in them is one of the most effective ways to reduce their anxiety and your DH was potentially derailing weeks of your good work.

YANBU. You let her off this time and she will think she never has to go, and it might be more important next time.

He was bloody going out anyway, so why would he think he could make the decision for her to stay home

He's a lazy prick.

I think you did undermine him actually.
He was having to help you out because you were getting ingredients ready - that should have been done the night before.
Children often don't tell you about cookery, a they have limited planning skills. I know my children's timetable so that I am aware and know to prompt them when they might be needing to take something.

We have set tasks - so we know whose job it is and that makes it easier. So getting bags ready is my job, which I do the night before. Irrespective whether DH takes DS to breakfast club for me. (It's my job but he occasionally helps out)

If you do the majority of the parenting and are in a routine then sometimes it can be that you think your way is the best and it can be hard to see it from your husbands view.
For the first 10 years with my kids I did the lions share of the parenting while my husband worked and now times have changed and he stays home mostly while I work. It's a massive thing to relinquish a bit of control and let them do it their way. He loves your kids just as much as you do, I expect.
So maybe YABU however you are stressed so apologize to your husband for overriding his decision but also talk about how you are feeling and try to understand each other.

Auntiestella,

I don't feel able to take a break, I need to work towards that. Last year DS was so anxious he had episodes of self harming. When he was really bad he broke a TV when I went out of the house for a coffee with a friend and left him with DH!

Wilitebe
In fairness he did try to call me when I was running round tesco but i didn't hear the phone.

Seatoski
I think you know where I am coming from

That said I don't want my relationship with DH to become an issue, it never has been in the past.