Was I wrong to override his parenting decision - long sorry

[marvmick]

NC for this as it may be outing.

DH and I have just had a big row and we don't row very often so I feel quite upset.

We have 2 DC both with SN, the eldest is diagnosed with ASD and is at secondary school and the youngest is on the pathway. Both have anxiety/ executive functioning issues and I do the bulk of liaising with professionals due to the fact that he works full time and brings the money in to pay mortgage etc. He works long hours which I am grateful for because I do struggle to work with the needs of the kids.
Life can be quite stressful.

Yesterday was a particularly stressful day. I had an important appointment for DD which was positive and then had to have dealings with school to try to convince them that she needs additional support. I also had to have discussions with DS's school about things that they have promised and not put into place and I had a discussion with CAHMs about a gap in provision. It was a particularly busy day from the point of view of dealing with the stresses of SN parenting. This is relevant because I'm particularly tired and stressed at the moment and DH knows this.

Late last night I realised that DS did not have the items needed for a food tech lesson, too late to go out to get the ingredients. Queue massive anxiety from DS. This morning I went out early left DH to sort kids out whilst I shop for food tech items. I am better at handling kids in the morning because, more often that not DH has already left for work. I get back to find that DD has not got out of bed yet and DH has decided to let her off her morning pre-school club this morning because 'she must be tired'.

I didn't agree with this got DD up and had 20 minutes to sort her packed lunch, DS's food tech that needed to be weighed and measured. Because DH hadn't got DD out of bed he hadn't sorted her school bag etc.

Normal morning panic, I get DD to school, tearful because 'Daddy had told me I don't need to go'.

I get back from dropping off DD from school and discover DS hasn't been given medication by DH!

I then lost it a bit. DH doesn't like to drive (but can drive) and I have a go at him about the fact that when I leave the house he can't handle the kids. He shouts back that he is an adult and had made a decision about DD and the breakfast club and that I ought to have respected that and that he's sick of me undermining him and left with a slam to the door.

My problem with the decision was that DD is anxious and will try to avoid everything and missing activities can be the thin end of the wedge.

Was I wrong to override the decision and should I apologise or should I stick up from myself that he should pull weight a bit more by driving so I'm not sodding responsible for everything except work?

Headofthehive
You are right that I should have done the food tech shopping earlier. I am a human being though and made a mistake. My DS has particularly poor executive functioning skills and notably poor working memory. He needs more support than most.

Adilogue

One thing I do not doubt at all is DH's love for his kids

He overrode you and sounds lazy

Then write it on your calendar when he has food tech. (I've got two on the spectrum) - I found that helps., same with pe swimming, etc.
I think it is hard when you let someone else do your task - and irs just not done to your specification.

Then write it on your calendar when he has food tech. (I've got two on the spectrum) - I found that helps., same with pe swimming, etc.
I think it is hard when you let someone else do your task - and irs just not done to your specification.

I know exactly how this feels. I have two DDs with AS. I take all of the massive mental load involved in meeting their needs and ensuring they have the right provision.

My DH always takes the easy way out of he's left to organise something, usually because he wants to ignore them and be on the PC. If I leave him to organise a meal, he gets McDonalds and so on.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be cross that he took the easy way out when you have to do it the hard way yourself every day.

I think you need to sit him down, apologise for undermining him and explain that, when you do something every day, it feels very unreasonable of him to take the easy way out when he has to help.

You should be able to trust him to keep up the normal routine without you micromanaging him.

You really need to triage some things out of your and your dc's life. The morning you have just described sounds awful and that would be with kids without SN. Can you reduce the number of classes your ds is taking? Maybe your dd needs more downtime too. And it sounds like you need more downtime. There is so much pressure these days to do more and that's really not good for a lot of people. Perhaps your dd should have the extra sleep instead of before school club. (Of course, this should be decided as part of a greater plan, not because your dh made a unilateral on the spot decision.)

My ds is severely mentally ill and it's taken a toll on our family. This semester, my teenage dd has reduced her school load (we are in the USA, so this is easier/different than doing so in the UK) to just a few classes. This was done with the school's blessing and assistance. Dd is an excellent student, but the school (and I) recognize that the mental health benefits of a semester of light load will far outweigh the potential harm of trying to juggle too many classes in the midst of a severe family crisis.

So there were two jobs to be done - and two adults to do them,
getting the children ready for school
Buying the items for food tech.

He couldn;t be bothered to get your DD up, because she was protesting so he took the path of least resistance and said she could stay off - so he wasn;t wiling to do that job properly.

He wouldn;t get the food items because for some reason he's decided you have to do all the driving despite him being perfectly capable of driving.

In the end you ended up doing both tasks. You are caring for children with additional needs and getting no practical help from him, and his decision to not bother with your DD would mean your job getting her up in the future will be harder.

I think he needs to seriously consider his input into making your family run as smoothly as possible, taking the easy way out with the children and refusing to drive are a pretty poor effort on his part.

I have 3 kids and two have asd. It’s all about being consistent. Sounds lazy to me to be honest. Carrying the mental load of kids with special needs is very very hard. Frankly I’d rather be the one out at work all day. When my husband wanted to change his job as he wasn’t enjoying it anymore he could. I can’t change my life. I’d have reacted just the same.

And @Headofthehive55

“I think you did undermine him actually.
He was having to help you out because you were getting ingredients ready - that should have been done the night before.” It’s not helping out it’s called pulling his weight. He should respect the routine OP has in place. There’s a reason it’s there. Or maybe he’d like to swap for a while. I’d rather be at work any day of the week than doing what I do to be honest.

Kategrey

I've often said I'd rather be at work, he has more earning power though. If I was the one to work we'd have to move house.

When he moans that I am better with the kids (and better at getting them to do things) or when I mention it I always say it is because I am with them more often than you so they are more used to me.

YANBU.
You look after them most of the time so therefore have to live with the fallout of his decisions.
Therefore he should defer to you before changing the status quo. Not unilaterally decide on a big change, at the last minute because it makes his life easier.

I agree we should try and parent from the same hymn book etc but that falls apart if he goes and makes changes without checking and he’s not doing most of the day-Day parenting.

He's phoned to check I'm OK which is at least something.
I said I was sorry I seemed to be overriding his decision and explained why. He said it felt like I was attacking him when I was shouting about him not driving which is why he slammed the door.

Then you have to accept that he brings more than you would if you were to work. He will have a mental load concerning his work too, and I don't think you should underestimate that.

Did it really matter that she didn't go to breakfast club? IT was a parenting fail perhaps that day, but no ones perfect, like you said.

Mine also didn't make breakfast club Monday as DH wasn't organised enough. I just laughed. - creating bad feeling by rowing will only heighten your stress.

Of course he has a mental load load concerning work and of course I am prepared to acknowledge that.

I do actually work myself, part time self employed, when I am able to. I like to work, I just don't always get the time to do it.

Yes it did matter that if she didn't go to breakfast club, she is likely to be diagnosed with ASD and is quite demand avoidant. Yesterday she missed some school because of a CAMHs appointment and last night she was saying she doesn't want to go to school because that was a change in routine. I had my eldest out of school altogether for a period due to anxiety and I know that routine is important to reduce anxiety.

Because I do some work part time the extra hour is important to me as well.

I have a very anxious autistic child and tbh I think sometimes reducing the load and expectations is what is needed tbh so although he is generally routine driven I accept that sometimes that needs to change or relax to help his long term coping

Sirzy
I can see that and maybe I do need to consider it but I didn't think my DH should make the decision to break the routine this morning. He could have said she seemed a bit tired this morning do you think it could be too much for her?

I get that and only both of you know what works for her. I am guessing from her POVthe routine had already been broken by you not being there though?

Yes Sirzy I think that is spot on, she is used to me being in the house in the morning which is probably why she was anxious and didn't want to go to breakfast club rather than the breakfast club itself.

Personally I think we were a bit unreasonable. Nobody likes a stressful start in the morning, least of all children with ASD. Chucking your daughter out with 20 minutes notice will have upset her day, your day, and your husband's day. Surely you could have let it slide. It's not like he's making a habit out of changing routines etc behind your back.

You owe two apologies, one to DH and one to DD

Sorry not we (faux pas) but meant you!!

He was being unreasonable taking the easy route, making it harder for you today and on other days, when she thinks she can choose not to go. He was going to work, it wasn’t him who would be looking after her, he had no right to say she didn’t need to go from either point of view.

What’s the issue with him driving? He needs to justbgrit his teeth & get on with it, unless he has a bloody good reason for choosing not to drive. It’s not fair to leave all the running around to you. This morning would have been a million times easier if he would have just nipped to the shops for the bits DS needed. You need to talk to him about this.

Being the main wage earner is stressful, but so is carry the mental load for a family, especially when two children have SEN. DH needs to appreciate that you do stuff because it’s better for everyone (breakfast club) not for shits & giggles.

Annie,

He was late learning to drive due to health issues, he passed 2 years ago and seems to have a fear of having a crash. My argument is that he just needs to get on with it. He can drive and is no more likely to crash than I am. He has literally got in the car twice in the last 6 months.

Worlds

I will see how DD is when I pick her up from school. Take your point that it can't have been nice for her either but an apology might be confusing.

Would it help him to book a couple of revision lessons with a driving instructor just to get him back into the swing of it ?

kurrikurri

Yes I’ve already suggested it but he hasn’t

I’d be telling him that it’s unacceptable not to drive when you are able to. It’s such a cop out to get you doing all the running around. Tell him that this morning was entirely his fault for not driving, as you said this morning! Tell him to either book some lessons or just bloody well get on with it.

I have ALL the sympathy in the world for people who are unable to drive or have had extended lessons and are still far too nervous to drive safely, but this man has a dislike of driving, he has two children, with SEN, he needs to stop being a PITA & crack on with it.