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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think having a baby is really lonely?

51 replies

Bloopbleep · 10/01/2018 11:04

I go to two baby classes a week (can’t afford more) and have been on the waiting list for a mother and baby group for 6months. In that time I haven’t made any friends. No one is ever up for coffee afterwards (it’s not just me none of them meet up out of class).

I’m sat having a cup of tea on my own in a busy cafe. Surrounded by people, it’s the loneliest place on the planet. My adult social interaction for the day was ordering my tea with a please and thank you.

Mush is full of MLM scammers, I had to leave in the end.

So is this it? Aibu in thinking having a baby is just a lonely experience I have to put up with?

OP posts:

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 10/01/2018 11:06

Oh bless you. I remember that feeling! Do none of your local churches have drop in playgroups? Ours don't seem to advertise, but they do exist.

RosiePosiePuddingPie · 10/01/2018 11:08

NCT playgroups? Some schools with nurseries attached run baby groups, I've discovered.

cherryontopp · 10/01/2018 11:09

Sorry your feeling this way OP. I haven't had my baby yet but i see why it would be a lonely time.

You say your on the waiting list for mother and baby groups for 6 months? Sounds strange. Most of them are in local churches and children centres where you can just drop and pay a small contribution.

Or you can cancel a class and try a new one. See different people who may like to meet up

WorldWideWanderer · 10/01/2018 11:10

I really feel for you, you are right. My children are now grown up but yes, when they are little those were the loneliest years of my life. In my day there was no internet either....but I don't want to diminish your experience. It's lonely, and it's hard going.

People will say it gets easier and it does...but not for some time. Hang on in there and life WILL get better. I always liked my children when they were much older and could have decent conversation with me....that helps as well.

MrsJayy · 10/01/2018 11:10

Aw yes having a baby can be lonely and isolating and when you are in the middle of it everybody and their auntie has buddies just to make you feel worse. Are you connected with any of the parents on facebook or whatsapp ? That you can arrange something it does get better as baby gets older.

GrapesAreMyJam · 10/01/2018 11:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

jimijack · 10/01/2018 11:13

Yes I agree, lonely as hell.
I used to count down the hours to dh coming home from work.
I could go 4/5 days with not one text or phone call from anyone.
I'm very introvert but even I felt alone, really alone every day.

I would break things up by inviting work colleagues, family or friends for coffee with the promise of cake, go for a walks each day, just get out of the 4 walls.

GrumpyOldBagFace · 10/01/2018 11:14

I was so lonely after my second baby. It felt crushing at times.

I took them out everyday to mother/baby group, baby sensory, walking, beach ... I made one mum friend! I had nice chats at the groups but that was it. I had no one to call on for a tea. It was awful.

I hope it gets better for you.

mindutopia · 10/01/2018 11:14

I didn't necessarily find it lonely, but then I enjoy a quiet cup of tea or lunch on my own (well, as much on my own as you can be with a baby) or a walk or a beach day by myself. I more found the constant expectation for social interaction with other mums just because you have a baby to be exhausting. But it is boring a lot of the time and there isn't much stimulation.

Two classes a week is pretty good. There are likely more groups out there that you don't know about. What about at the library? We had a rhyme time at our library that I really enjoyed from about 6 months. NCT is another great resource. If you find your local chapter, there are usually loads of groups. Are you breastfeeding? If so, you might enjoy your local breastfeeding group. I know ours is about support, but it's much more just socialising for the mums with older babies who don't need a one on one consultation. And are you apart of any local Facebook groups for mums? I'm in a few and there are often meet ups organised (which I can't attended as I have long when back to work from when mine was little). If you are in one of these and it's a friendly group, I would just ask if anyone fancies meeting up for coffee on a given day and see who might be interested. Baby or playgroups affiliated with preschools are also a good option. I never went to one as I didn't feel like I need it but there are several near us (and were we live is really rural, so must be more near towns).

DeStijl · 10/01/2018 11:16

Ah I remember feeling just the same when I had DS1. It felt really lonely and the mums I did see outside of groups I didn't really have anything in common with, we just sort of clung onto each other because we had babies and that was all we had in common. I found things easier when we went to groups with a specific activity rather than just those big halls where the kids basically run around. Baby massage was nice and quiet enough to build up a good rapport with the other mums. Another one was baby signing.
If you have the time to it might be a good idea to get involved volunteering with some of the groups. I've been friends with the mums on my son's preschool committee for nearly 3 years now and they've become really valued mates rather than just fellow committee members!

Scruffette · 10/01/2018 11:19

I found it so lonely that it took me years to have a second, however it wasn't as bad second time around because the eldest had started school and was good company in herself. A friend who lived abroad and had older children used to ring me regularly as she remembered how lonely it had been. YANBU OP and it will get better as your child gets older.

MrsJayy · 10/01/2018 11:24

I didn't do baby groups they were few and far between in the 90s in my small town but I did gonto playgroups when they were toddlers and it was a lot better I didn't make a tonne of mum friends but a few which was nice.

Aretoo · 10/01/2018 11:33

Not unreasonable at all, it is very lonely, I have a 10mth old. But I have a routine, and a dog which I walk a lot, usually bump into someone for a chat. I just break my day up into chunks of things to do, they may be mundane things to most like walk to the other side of the village to the bottle bank. But it gets us out and about and makes the day go by..
This is my 3rd, my other two are significantly older so I've been here before and it does get better, slowly but surely..

WhyamIBoredathome · 10/01/2018 11:45

Yep. I'm on my second baby, second year of being sahm. Made some friends but moved after a year So back to square one again. I make small talk at toddler groups but I am essentially the bloody lonely.
I don't really know how to go about meeting more people. I messaged loads of people on mush and none ever replied. People in toddler groups seem to attend with their NCT clique and don't welcome others joining in with their discussion.

KTD27 · 10/01/2018 11:53

Yes! It is incredibly lonely.
I’ve survived through playgroups and forcing myself on people and not being nervous to say ‘here take my number!’ Eugh. Hate it though.
Has got better. Hugs to you

zeebeee · 10/01/2018 11:58

Try Mush again, or Peanut. I've met lots of friends with babies from these apps and not a MLM scammer in sight!

nutbrownhare15 · 10/01/2018 12:00

Do.you have a local facebook mums noticeboard where you could say you'd like to meet up with local mums? Are you on any big facebook parenting groups where you could shout out for similar? I've been there and it is really hard. Partly because of the monotony and also because you feel like you need to share your experiences with others going through similar (male partners aren't usually if they are working ft)

Oooocrikeyitscold · 10/01/2018 12:04

Yes I agree really lonely. Try to find playground which have consistently of mums and children. Church groups are quite good for that and very often it doesn’t master if your not religious.

DayKay · 10/01/2018 12:08

I’ve been there too.
Try the local board on this site and meet a mum on the netmums site.
I met up with a few people who I became friends with and joined a book group.
I also joined a post natal exercise group and buggy fit sessions where everyone took their baby and made some friends there.

KindOfMagic · 10/01/2018 12:11

Oh OP I would love to have a coffee with you. I've come across the same. I thought people went to baby groups to meet other mums but everyone seems so reluctant to actually engage in anything more than a chat during the class. Have you tried local mums' Facebook groups? I found a great walking group near me who do weekly sling and buggy walks and then go for coffee and cake afterwards . Also as PPs have suggested, although I think the SureStart baby groups have really long waiting lists, usually local churches have a weekly baby and toddler group which round here are generally quite relaxed and friendly.

Hope you find something - the days can be so long and depressing when you don't see or speak to anyone else.

IHateYourCarpet · 10/01/2018 12:16

Completely agree. DS is three weeks old, we’re hours away from family and friends, the novelty of people visiting him has worn off, and it’s incredibly lonely. I’m desperate to start baby groups. There’s a few locally to me that run for 1.5 hours, with half an hour after dedicated to having coffee and a chat.

I second what others have said, it may be worth cancelling a group and trying a different activity.

Failing that, if you’re near me I’m always up for coffee and cake

Lules · 10/01/2018 12:17

It is lonely. I moved around a lot when my first was a baby and then moved just before I gave birth to my second so I don’t know many people. I can only echo others’ advice - keep going to groups, keep asking if people want to go for coffee. I found it got a lot better when they’re toddlers as they’re interesting in themselves but it’s hardly adult company.

KTD27 · 10/01/2018 12:21

Oh yes a Facebook group! Like a app said. Totally forgot that.
When I moved here I joined our local one and after a few weeks of moping just popped up a thread which suggested a picnic in the park. The amount of mums who wanted to come was huge! Id bet there are lots of mums and dads in your local area feeling the exact same way.
They won’t all become your best friend but sometimes you just need to be able to go have a cup of tea and a chat with an adult!

f83mx · 10/01/2018 12:21

Unless you have the NCT clique i think lots of people feel like this - it can be really tough, well done for trying activities etc, just have to keep plugging away i think. x

Shineystrawberrylover · 10/01/2018 12:21

my ds is nearly 2. I have become extremely isolated now as we've not lived here long. I think delivery drivers are afraid I might want to chat! I only go to groups for DS's benefit now as I realise that noone is there for company.

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