Aibu to think having a baby is really lonely?

[Bloopbleep]

I go to two baby classes a week (can’t afford more) and have been on the waiting list for a mother and baby group for 6months. In that time I haven’t made any friends. No one is ever up for coffee afterwards (it’s not just me none of them meet up out of class).

I’m sat having a cup of tea on my own in a busy cafe. Surrounded by people, it’s the loneliest place on the planet. My adult social interaction for the day was ordering my tea with a please and thank you.

Mush is full of MLM scammers, I had to leave in the end.

So is this it? Aibu in thinking having a baby is just a lonely experience I have to put up with?

I was incredibly lucky with a fantastic nct group who I saw all the time (we probably looked like a typical nct clique to others although we always tried to be friendly and sometimes another person would join us for coffee after groups)....honestly without those girls I think I would have felt the same. Anytime I went anywhere without my usual friends I might exchange pleasantries with someone but never came close to making friends. Maybe I wasn't trying though as I didn't need to.. Have you tried groups at your local children's centre as they are often free or incredibly cheap. Free singing groups at the library can be lovely too. Sorry you're feeling so lonely

My second baby is 4 months and yes, it is really lonely. I did all of the baby clubs the first time round and didn't really make any friends, people didn't meet up afterwards.

I have found that things improve with time though. My older DS is at preschool and has a wide circle of friends that he has chosen for himself. We have birthday parties, play dates etc.

I'm trying to focus on enjoying my own company and making the most of the slower pace of life. It's not forever

Are you planning on going back to work?

I found mush a bit hit and miss. I gave up with the app because my messages seemed to go wonky and not come/go through reliably and made me look flaky. I did have a couple of meet ups from it though. I remember them having an option to post a public message to everyone in the area - maybe try that?

I was in a new area and found it horrendously isolating and lonely with a baby. Didn't help she's a total Klingon and it was a mission getting dressed on the best days.

I've made one 'mum' friend in all from a local group purely because we attended for the first time on the same day and no other bugger talked to us (haven't since either btw).

Do your local children's centre run courses? Weaning, fussy eaters, behaviour that type of thing? It's a few weeks usually so that might be a better opportunity to get chatting with people even if you don't strictly need it. It's a space where people are encouraged to talk to each other. I did a very short breastfeeding one that was good

Yes the baby months can be lonely. Toddlers are more sociable and there seems to be a lot more aimed at toddler activities. I’m currently 3 months into maternity leave with DS, he’s my second and yesterday when his brother was at pre school I had a moment of calmness in between feeds when I just though ‘fuck, this is boring’.

Do you have a local Childrens centre? Ours has a monthly email of all the groups and drop ins etc. From library rhyme times to baby weigh ins with coffee after, to free play groups etc. Sometimes the paid for courses are no really sociable and the focus is on the baby rather than the parent.

I think church hall-based playgroups promise the best, most consistent, least anxiety-inducing form of social interaction.

These isolating days really pass.

Babies are lonely. You spend all day not even speaking English and cleaning. I went back to college for 2 days a week and my son goes to nursery at the same time. Its brilliant. I found it helped us loads.
When they get more independent - this helps too.
Then you find you want another one lol

Thanks all. The waiting list is for the church groups (there are two in the village - one becomes a preschool/playgroup that people put babies names down for before they’re born! and both heavily subscribed). We have no children’s centre nearby although there is talk of building one a short distance away.

There is no local NCT (looked when pregnant)

Many of the baby classes (sing & sign, yoga etc) have waiting lists so if I were to cancel one there’s no guarantee i’d get on another, although they I did put my name down for the signing one last week and there may be graduates at the end of this term.

I’m seeing a huge target market possibility if I set up my own baby class doing something.

I have an older child so my time revolves around dropping off and picking up from
School which didn’t suit with the time of nearest NCT, bfing, sling and cloth nappy groups (all connected to same NCT group and over an hour away on public transport)

I didn’t gel with the school gates mums who’d all known each other since the kids were babies so hoped that with baby2 I’d get to know people early and would become at least friendly if not friends, in time for school.

It doesn’t help that I’m autistic but you’d never know upon meeting me.

Ah well.

my children are adults now but i remember the loneliness. I joined mother and toddler groups and made a few friends eventually, but it's hard work. Just keep trying to join as much as you can, maybe get out in the evening if you have a partner who can babysit. Join a book group, go to an exercise class, learn something new. Being stuck at home all day long with a baby is very lonely.

I've been thinking on your predicament and I wonder if you could concentrate on your older daughters social ties instead? It's a half solution really and doesn't do much for relieving the boredom of ML.

If you could get an evening free you could see about joining your daughters PTA or volunteering at rainbows/brownies? Or even go all out on play dates after school?

Something for yourself sounds much more fun but if it's the whole parent thing you think you need maybe it's worth putting your energy into the older dc's circle at the moment.

You are not alone in feeling like this. I was at Pret last week and a group of NCT mums were sat on the next table and despite all our babies being the same age and them passing my table several times to go to the baby changing, none of them even looked at me never mind said hello. And yesterday at baby music I was chatting with another mum when two other mums came over and asked if she wanted to go for coffee - they completely ignored me!!

I have honestly met lovelier and friendlier people while walking my dogs than with a baby.

Yes I was chronically lonely and became depressed. I went back to work early (lucky I was able to go back part time) and felt so much better. And I was a better mum when I was with my ds.

Have you tried the local groups on here to see if anyone wants to meet up? You won’t be the only lonely one.

I've actually found it even lonelier as my DD has got older. When she was a baby there were baby classes. Then at pre-school and juniors, I got chatting to a few people while waiting for her. Now she's just started senior school, and sometimes I go for days without speaking to someone other than my DD or DH. I am self employed, so work alone and don't have work to chat to people through. I also have health issues, meaning hobbies are tricky for me to have.

I used to think that baby times were lonely, but now I look back and realise it was easier to chat to people then than it is now.

Aww I totally know the feeling. My DS is 4mo and I feel terribly lonely most the time. No friends close by. No family really. I have social anxiety and definitely am not the NCT group type (not that I think anything is wrong with them I just don't fit in). They all knew each other Monday at the baby weigh in clinic and I felt very out of place. I'm gonna try and go to some groups when DS is a little older and I'm more in the swing of things. But yeah, your not the only one OP

Yes its lonely being at home with a baby all day. But l never made friends with other baby mums just because you had children about the same time does not make for a friendship. Concentrate on your existing friends and families. Babies don't need friends so do what you would do without the Bab.

I did NCT and hope we didn't seem like a clique but I had awful postnatal anxiety and couldn't face talking to strangers so they were a lifesaver to be honest

Maybe like a pp suggested try posting in a local Facebook group if there is one? Friends of mine have also made friends at the NCT 'bump and baby' coffee mornings.

Really hope you can find some people that you connect with x

It can be a lonely time having a new baby,yes
I found it stultifying tbh.couldnt wait to get back to work

I’m sorry. Remember this so well and I had to go back to work when DD was 13weeks. Missed her terribly but not the loneliness. Based on what I know now are there any Facebook groups for new mums near you? I also got loadsa “dates” from a Facebook group for new parents of shift workers (exP was a chef and only ever around in week but I found weekends super lonely 😢)

There is an app called 'hoop which is fab for finding things on in your local area for babies/kids. Maybe there are some groups you don't know about?

I know exactly how you're feeling. I felt this way until my son could start interacting more.

It can be very lonely. Are there any libraries near you that have classes on? They're usually free. Do you like the paid classes? Maybe you could drop one and try another?

Very lonely, op.
How old is your baby? Going back to work part time, in a job close (ish) to home improved things so much for me. I was really lonely when dd was a toddler & ds2 a baby. It's good that you've rejected the MLM, I think loneliness can make you particularly vulnerable to scams etc.

Yes having a baby can be a very lonely experience, especially if your relatives or existing old friends don’t have DC, live near you etc.

Look up what your local Sure Start children’s centre has - our locals ones have daily groups for babies and toddlers.

Church groups - you don’t need to be religious to go to these, and in my experience they have been all about the children and a coffee and biscuit for the parents, no one pushing religion on you if it’s not your interest.

Facebook groups and notice boards for your area

The park

It takes time and perseverance to meet like- minded new friends. Good luck!

YANBU- I found some of those baby groups so cliquey and with my first I was so desperate to make friends. I really feel for you.
Now I have DD2 I take her to the playgroups DD1 attends the days the eldest is not in nursery.
I am fortunate that I live in a city so there are lots of playgroups and places to go. It is also easier now my eldest is older and I am more confident this time around. However I still find mat leave boring and pretty lonely and will be looking forward to going back to work in September!
I hope it gets easier for you

Yes very lonely. Just go to everything you can and keep checking on waiting lists.
Other mums must be stuck like you... Soft play, swimming..
Yes to great business opportunity! Sounds like your area crying out for it.
We are lucky with loads of tiddler groups and stuff round here but having not done nct first time I totally could see second time how you then go to groups within nct friends.. So already have someone to talk to.

PS often not cliquey just people on the side lines delighted to have made friends and have someone to talk too

I struggled too. The early baby days when my prenatal group was OK, but it was early toddlerhood when they went back to work that it got really lonely. I did something most days but at so many groups, people would turn up in pre-established packs of friends or family (how did so many conjure up local, youngish, recently retired grandparents???) and it was just impossible to get a social foothold in.

Some groups were better than others. I found buggy fit best as you're moving around and don't get trapped into a particular seat. Also baby/ toddler is safely contained in a pram and less distracting.

Open toddler groups were the worst. People turned up in their pack. Sat in their seat. No social foothold.

I just wanted to exchange some conversation. I wasn't long looking for BFFs and to hijack their social life. Just something that wasn't a monosyllabic exchange with a speech delayed toddler (he's made up for lost time now, I'm also sneaking off to give my ears a rest).

How did the song go, loneliness is a crowded room...