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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your 4 year old feeds themself?

55 replies

LinkyPlease · 09/01/2018 23:10

My DD, recently turned 4, is the world's slowest eater.

We ask her to feed herself entirely. She is just so slow and it drives me up the wall. Is it normal for a 4 year old to feed themself the whole time or should we loosen up a little and feed her when she asks a bit more? I do feed her a bit sometimes actually, and she does eat a lot quicker. But left to her own devises she just puts one forkful in, drops all cutlery, plays with her hair / clothes / nose etc and takes about 10 mins and a bunch of requests to pick cutlery up and continue eating.

It leads to lots of upset at meal times as DP or I end up barking at her to pick up cutlery and get the next mouthful ready, then put it in without it all falling off, then actually chew.

She's got no SEN, is slightly podgy but weight fine generally. She's a pretty good eater in that she'll tey most things and eats a good range. And we never want her to finish her plate - it is the speed which is the problem from the first mouthful, this is not about getting her to eat too much.

The only thing she will eat quickly is pudding...

Am I expecting too much? If everyone thinks so that will be really helpful in persuading me to chill out.

If I'm not expecting too much then any tips in getting her to focus at a meal time? We've always eaten meals together, so she watches me and DP eating every day, modelling some great fast eating for her!

She'll easily take 30 mins or more to eat a smallish plate of food

OP posts:
agbnb · 09/01/2018 23:14

She'll easily take 30 mins or more to eat a smallish plate of food

That's fine.

What impact is herslow eating having on you? If she's unfussy etc, why do you want her to shovel in food faster than she's naturally comfortable with?

Is she disruptive of a critical schedule or something like getting DCs to school ? (Get her up ten minutes earlier)

Gammeldragz · 09/01/2018 23:16

Slow eating is normal. I didn't feed mine after about age 2 probably earlier (I forget they are bigger now!)

namechangerforthis123 · 09/01/2018 23:16

My dd was the same, took aaaaaaages to eat.

I used a reward chart & one of the things on it was not faffing at mealtimes.

Think PP was spot on too.

namechangerforthis123 · 09/01/2018 23:16

By PP I mean agbnb

Merryoldgoat · 09/01/2018 23:17

My son is the same. He's a very picky eater though so slightly different. I feed him when introducing new stuff but other stuff I expect him to feed himself.

I allow lots of time so we're not rushing as far as possible and let him just get on with it. I also give him lots of food that he can use hands with too so combination of finger and cutlery use.

I've largely started ignoring what he 'should' be doing. He's happy, engages with us, is interested in lots of stuff and picks things up at his own pace.

I know it's easy to say 'relax' but I have and it's really helped.

violetvendetta · 09/01/2018 23:17

I thought you were going to say meal times take hours. I take 30 minutes to eat a small plate of food, I don't think you need to worry about it, I'm sure she'll grow out of the being distracted.

Cleanermaidcook · 09/01/2018 23:17

I would not be feeding a four year old with no sn no. I work in preschool with 2-4 year olds and they all feed themselves. The speed issue though sounds normal, I'd say just keep reminding her to keep eating if she gets distracted.
At work lunch is an hour and the vast majority of children eat a lunch in this time so 30 mins isn't overly long.

NapQueen · 09/01/2018 23:17

Honestly just leave her eat at the pace she does. Make her get down and pick up her own dropped cutlery. If you and dh finish before her make a brew abd sit back down with that.

Jasharps · 09/01/2018 23:18

Sounds normal to me. Mine have all feeding themselves since before 2. Some are slower than others but 30 mins seems ok.

Ploppymoodypants · 09/01/2018 23:20

Hello I am afraid I have no advice, but came on to say I have DD5 who has always been like this. Soooo slow. She is not a picky eater and quite adventurous but won’t eat more than about 3 bites of anything. She prefers to trickle feed throughout the day, which was fine when she was younger but obviously she can’t at school so I am trying to get her used to 3 meals a day. We all sit down together with no TV or phones and chat about our day, but honestly she has to be reminded to put every mouthful in and it take about 3 prompts per mouthful. Meanwhile she is twiddling her hair with hands that have touched all the food, and gesturing wildly in animated conversation. Which is of course lovely but doesn’t get supper eaten. I have to try sooo hard not to lose my rag. I am also trying to each table manners such as, no one can get up unless everyone has finnished. Just now I end up washing up and tidying while she is still picking as something as she takes so long. Argh!!!

Anyway I have decided to just not care and present her with 3 balanced meals a day and offer only fruit or yoghurt if she doesn’t eat up and says she is hungry 10 minutes later. I never make her eat things she doesn’t like. My rule is try one mouthful and then if you don’t like it either eat bits you do like or plain porridge or something. Luckily she loves fruit and vegetables.

Sorry that’s not much help is it...

1stTimeMama · 09/01/2018 23:20

YABU.
Why are you rushing her meal times?! It sounds like you are putting unnecessary pressure on her at what should be a relaxed time of day. Obviously, instill table manners etc. but I don't think your behaviour is right. She is learning, and still so young. You're not giving her a chance.

And yes, my 4yr old feeds himself. My 3.5yr old does too, and my 16 month old.

Original poster
LinkyPlease · 09/01/2018 23:23

This is so reassuring to read, really glad this is normal!

The main impact is bedtime. I have her home from nursery about 5.30, normally sit down to eat 5.45ish,and she'll still be eating at 6.30 unless I light a firecracker underneath her. I want her to finish in time to have ten mins of play before teeth etc, and on nursery days I'd like her to be in bed ready for stories by 6.45 as she gets sooooo tired. She often sleeps 7pm until 8am solid, sometimes longer, so she really needs this sleep.
I can't really get her earlier from nursery, especially when I'm back at work in a few months.

Seeing a bunch of Internet strangers telling to chill out and this is normal is very helpful anyway, so thankfully

OP posts:
Original poster
LinkyPlease · 09/01/2018 23:23

*so thanks

OP posts:
NapQueen · 09/01/2018 23:25

What does she eat at nursery and at what time? If she is having a large lunch there plus an afternoon snack maybe she just isnt that hungry? Could you just do a picky plate of toast and fruit abd leave it available to her while you play or draw etc?

You and dh can theb eat at your own pace after she is asleep.

Original poster
LinkyPlease · 09/01/2018 23:27

ploppy works for word my DD is the same.

OK, I'll chill out. I feel so bad for getting angry with her today. I apologised and gave her huge cuddles, but I'm feeling like a shit mum. Something has to change. Maybe simpler snack meals after nursery (only 2 days pw), and we'll just relax timings for bedtime and see what happens on the other days. And maybe aim for 5.15pm dinner instead of 5.45?

OP posts:
Original poster
LinkyPlease · 09/01/2018 23:27

*ploppy word for word.
Can't type today Blush

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 09/01/2018 23:30

My 4 year old who has SN has been feeding himself since he was 2-3 although mainly with his fingers at first. That length of time sounds normal to me, especially when tired.

namechangerforthis123 · 09/01/2018 23:36

OP, I really hope this comment is helpful...I know how awful it is feeling guilty for long Nursery days but have you any possibility of negotiating to leave work any earlier?

My dd was same as yours & after work was so stressful. Thankfully it was only 2 days per week, but I think getting home 30 mins easier could make her & your(!) lives much nicer!

Obviously not practical / do able for everyone but...!good luck Thanks

Lalliella · 09/01/2018 23:38

My DS was very lazy about feeding himself and always wanted us to feed him. I didn’t stress about it, I figured he’d grow out of it and indeed he did. He’s a teenager now and feeds himself just fine. A lot!

Ploppymoodypants · 09/01/2018 23:39

Linky, it’s very difficult when you work to try and fit everything into the day, when you are regimented by very tight timescales. You feel bad if you don’t make sure they get 12 hours sleep, but if they are up at 7am like mine is, that means bed by 7pm. Which means 6.30pm to start pyjamas and teeth and reading homework from school and bedtime story. So if I don’t get home until 5pm that leaveS only 1.5 hours to cook, eat and play. But DD would easily spend an hour eating half a spiral of pasta at a time. So then she gets no playtime. And it’s a problem at school as her friends all gobble their dinner down and run out to play and then she isn’t allowed to go out as not finnished and gets upset and scared being left behind with the older children (although School are being v helpful in sorting this).

I dont really know what to do, but I do know that it’s pretty normal and that getting stressed about It didn’t help. But I sympathise massively. If only I was a stay at home mum I could do supper at say 4.30pm then she could take as along as she likes and still have time for playing and homework and bath etc (bitter) 🙁 but I am not so unfortunately both DD and I stuck trying to find a suitable balance.

Good luck

Imstickingwiththisone · 09/01/2018 23:39

So you still spoon feed her sometimes? Perhaps she'll get quicker once that habit is well and truly out the picture. My dc5 is a slow eater unless it's something he really really loves and as this changes daily and I'm not privvy to that information it's once in a blue moon I get it right! Most of the time though I just do the dishes and clean the kitchen while he's eating/chatting/faffing but I don't really care about people staying at the table until everyone has finished and we have a kitchen diner. If the dining room was separate I'd probably get irritated too.

TrinitySquirrel · 09/01/2018 23:39

Dinner as soon as she comes in. Almost 6pm is a late dinner for a child with a bedtime so close after.

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 23:40

You are not a shit mum.

This too will pass Grin

look at it this way she sleeps all night. I get it’s irritsting but it’s normal. She may Become an arty dreamy type like my teen dd.she does everything slowly and it drives me nuts She may be planning world domination while she is playing with her hair!! Grin

As my dd would say chill with the sitch Smile

TGaskill · 09/01/2018 23:41

My 3 year old has fed herself since she was 2...

Imstickingwiththisone · 09/01/2018 23:41

Should have added that I'd do something snacky on nursery days and either bring tea forward or accept a later bedtime the other days. The length of time it's taking is normal,unfortunately, so there isn't a lot you can do to speed things up.