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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset DH has quit his job?

70 replies

ballsed · 09/01/2018 14:52

I have name changed because my other posts say where I live etc.

DH has just informed me he has quit his job. He's a housing solicitor and his firm are utter shite- there have been some pretty disgusting behaviour from supervisors And admin staff. After a meeting with HR today to see if he can get more admin help they refused and he's out his notice in.

How the hell do we cope now? He only does legal aid and doesn't want to work on the 'other side' he wants to move to the other end of the country to 'start again' but I've looked and there are no jobs apart from one 12 month contract covering maternity leave Hmm I really don't want to leave where we are.

We have no one where he wants to live but he grew up there so I think it's appealing to him. There are no legal aid jobs in our area and even if there were his firm have the majority of contracts!

How can I support him without being a twat and refuse point blank to move?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 09/01/2018 15:56

Did you have any idea that he might do this, or was it a spur of the moment decision?
From what you say, I can understand why he's handed in his notice. But I can also understand why you are furious.
Give him time to process his thoughts and to formulate some ideas that the two of you can make into a plan.
He must know that however justified he is in his decision, he has behaved unreasonably towards you and is enforcing his life choices on You without consultation or consideration.

Flappyears · 09/01/2018 15:59

Slightly different viewpoint but sometimes it can be worse to stay in a job that’s really upsetting you. The lack of control and poor treatment can play havoc with your confidence in your own abilities and make it difficult to find a new job if you stay there for too long. He has got three months to find a new job. I’m not sure whether the legal industry ever has interim positions that might tide him over until he can find something permanent? Having said that, moving somewhere new sounds just like a reflex action - as pp said flight away from stress. I agree that a cooling off period might be sensible, and at the end of that have a serious conversation looking at all your options and maybe seeing some legal employment agencies to find out what is available in your area. Clearly he may have to be flexible about what work he takes on though.

NurseButtercup · 09/01/2018 16:05

Trying to be optimistic here - is it possible that he could find a more suitable role, location wise before the end of the three months notice period?

NurseButtercup · 09/01/2018 16:06

Oops already pointed out by flappyears

Original poster
ballsed · 09/01/2018 16:06

I knew he was struggling with work as it's all he wants to talk about and when he's not talking about it he's thinking about it and not really present.

I think today was the final straw though, the Managing Director has just called our house phone and wants him to go in for a meeting at 5pm as he left the building and turned off his work phone for the time in 2 years.

He needs to work on his boundaries though. His target is 60k and he's billed 135k on legal aid rates at £59 an hour. He works all weekend catching up on dictations that don't get typed out because he has no help. He'll bring files home to bill them there so he's working at home till 8am and he's awake at 6 so starts Work then.

He also gets texts and calls from clients at 9pm that to be fair he will ignore but it disrupts the evening and if it's a barrister he has to answer because it's usually about an injunction that's the next day so he can be on the phone for 2 hours sorting that stuff out. It's just so much mental work

OP posts:
IsaSchmisa · 09/01/2018 16:10

He should either have been willing to discuss this with you first or to now be willing to consider 'working for the other side'. He has the right to leave his job if he wants, he doesn't have the right to expect you to up sticks and move hundreds of miles away.

GeorgeTheHamster · 09/01/2018 16:11

If his target is half his billing this year they will probably try and keep him.

You need to see what actually happens now - they might finally put some support in - and then you both need to talk things over - you don't have to chuck in your job and move on a whim, which is what this is.

Does the Law Soc still have a stress counselling helpline?

Frouby · 09/01/2018 16:13

Does he have to take every new case?

I used to be a financial adviser. I burnt myself out in 2 years by beating all my sales targets. But not allowing the time to do the admin so was similar to your dh. After beating my target by something like 97% all that happened was that my next target was bigger.

He needs to be able to access more admin support OR manage his cases volumewise to meet his targets without leaving himself unable to do the associated admin OR he needs admin support to reflect the business he is generating.

languagebridget · 09/01/2018 16:15

It sounds like his work is taking the piss, £135,000 of billings is over 2288hours which is over 44 hours a week with no holidays. He should just work out his notice and only do what is required as per his contract, but of course I bet he is someone who cares about his clients so will not do that.

IsaSchmisa · 09/01/2018 16:15

Yes I suspect this 5pm meeting is going to be an attempt to get him to stay. Especially if he's not paid that much, which with a 60k billing target I suspect he possibly isn't. There just aren't that many experienced housing lawyers who want to do legal aid and are willing to get paid not very much. He is a more valuable commodity than he thinks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2018 16:18

If he just met his targets, would he be able to do much of his own admin? It sounds as if he is a victim of his own success. Hopefully he can calm down and think things through. He’s been running on full steam for far too long.

blueskyinmarch · 09/01/2018 16:19

I guess the MD knows now that he was serious about being unable to keep up with the work and they possibly want to try and repair things and keep him? Do you think he would stay if they genuinely put in the support he needs to do his job?

whiskyowl · 09/01/2018 16:19

I'm so sorry, it does sound like his working conditions have been pretty intolerable, but this is terrifying for you and your family.

I think the main thing is to survive. If that means him doing maternity leave and you going back to work, it might have to be that way round, just for a bit. Don't move across the country, or take any other hasty step. Just keep the show on the road as best you can for a bit.

I appreciate his values and beliefs, and I think he sounds like a good guy. I am sure there is a job out there for someone like him, and that something will come up soon that is congenial.

calzone · 09/01/2018 16:31

Or maybe the meeting is about getting him some help now they realise he is going to quit.......

I wouldn't lose hope yet.

BewareOfDragons · 09/01/2018 16:37

He should have spoken to you before quitting.

You wouldn't be a twat for not moving; he is for not discussing, planning his next move, etc but thinking a move without a proper job to go with it is the way to go. And what about your job?

I would be furious right now. Even if his job is taking the piss to a degree. He is highly educated, he should have sat down with them and had a discussion about what's not working for him and seen if it could be resolved rather than quitting in a huff with no idea how he will come up with a new job!

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 09/01/2018 16:37

He’s handed in his notice with poor prospects of finding another job locally and without discussing it with you? YANBU at all!

You’re not being unreasonable. At all!

But yes, wait to see what happens after the meeting.

And talk about this with your DH before he goes in.

AngelsSins · 09/01/2018 16:38

I can understand why he walked out of his job, you can just get to that breaking point sometimes and say something before you've even realised you're about to say it. However, that doesn't give him the right to decide you're moving. Has he given any consideration at all to your wants, or your job? You would not be remotely a twat for giving a hard no to this idea of his.

Notreallyarsed · 09/01/2018 16:41

So the meeting could change things, so I’d hang fire until after that OP. However YANBU at all to be pissed off that he made two really massive decisions without even considering or consulting you.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 09/01/2018 16:42

He has got three months notice to work so hopefully within that time he will have become more realistic about his options. It does sound like his working conditions have been awful, but very few jobs have the perfect balance of exactly what you want to do, with the exact hours and workload, the perfect pay and in the right location so he needs to learn to compromise AND he also has to make sure he's discussing with you what works for you as a couple rather than just making sure he's ok.

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/01/2018 16:42

YABU Sounds like work became so unbearable to the point he could take no more. it must have been affecting his mental health so much that he felt he had to leave even if it meant he hasnt another job to go into straightaway. I think you should support him rather than be angry with him. If it was the other way round, I'm sure he would be supporting you through what must be an awful time and helping you cope rather than berating you

InsomniacAnonymous · 09/01/2018 16:51

I agree 100% with GirlsBlouse17.

Pigeonpost · 09/01/2018 17:02

Meh, I jacked in the law 3 years ago and haven't regretted it once. I was lucky enough to have DH to support us but his skills are very transferable and it might be worth looking outside the solicitor box. Time recording and targets could be a thing of his past too!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2018 17:03

OP, your later post makes this sound less and less like a 'flounce'. Your husband, strategically, may have made a wise decision because if his manager now wants to talk to him because they've been shocked out of their reverie there at him giving his notice. They weren't paying much attention before.

Either they will now give your husband the admin help that he needs - or restrict billable hours - or your husband leaves. Obviously, if he leaves it's worrying for you but quite frankly, your description of his working hours and practices would worry me far more, he's burning himself out and something has to give..

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2018 17:04

One more question OP... what would you want your husband's response to you to be, were you in his position? That should guide your answer.

calzone · 09/01/2018 17:05

I agree with other posters.

He is clearly in a bad place and needs support.

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