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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and DH going overseas on my birthday

40 replies

NewToRenting · 09/01/2018 14:37

All right I know IBU, at 48 a birthday is just another day. But DH has decided to visit his DSis overseas who's organising a surprise party for her DH's 50th. Mine and BIL's birthdays are 2 days apart so DH and DD8 leave on my birthday afternoon (right after school) to spend the weekend with SIL and DH's family. SIL and I do not have a great relationship, so I made my excuses. In all fairness, I wasn't really 'invited' except for a casual 'hey why don't you come too' from my DH.

It was a rare birthday weekend so I expected we would do something nice as a family. I know we can celebrate another day. I know I am not 10 and birthdays should no longer be a big deal at my age. I do have friends here (we do not live in our home country) but weekends they all spend time with their own families.

Despite trying to rationalise it, I still feel terribly hurt that I will be left all alone here, and that someone else's birthday takes priority over mine. Please talk some sense into me.

OP posts:
caroline161 · 09/01/2018 14:39

I don't think you are bu. I would be hurt too.

nuttyknitter · 09/01/2018 14:39

But you haven't been left all alone - you've chosen not to go.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/01/2018 14:40

Would you rather they didn't go?

Whitney168 · 09/01/2018 14:41

I won't help LOL - I have my husband my blessing to go away on a golf weekend on my birthday (hell, I even paid for it), on the same basis that I was plenty old enough for birthdays not to matter.

I still felt miffed about it on the day, and although obviously I wouldn't say I'd 'never let him do it again', because we aren't like that, I certainly would prefer he didn't and have vowed to always have the day off work now and enjoy it.

If that makes me juvenile, I can live with it ...

WhatHaveIFound · 09/01/2018 14:43

Why don't you change your mind and go with them?

Failing that - enjoy the peace and quiet at home. That's what i'll be doing next month when DH is away on my birthday!

Sirzy · 09/01/2018 14:44

You chose not to go though.

You can always do something for your birthday thenweekend before or after surely?

BusterTheBulldog · 09/01/2018 14:46

If you were turning 50 I would agree with you, but as someone else in the family is, and you can celebrate another day, I think yabu.

Birdsgottafly · 09/01/2018 14:47

In your head he is picking his BIL over you and taking your DD with him, so that would hurt.

But you have an invitation and have chosen not to go.

If you had something that you wanted to do and had tried to make plans, you would have a point, but you don't.

Personally I would have gone, or come up with something really good to do.

I had a none Birthday last year and i'm doing my own thing this year because I can't just let it go, so I know how you feel (even if it is a bit childish and stubborn).

Original poster
NewToRenting · 09/01/2018 14:47

Yes it was my choice.
I'd rather they didn't WANT to go, IYSWIM.
The fact that they want to go is worse than their actual going. I know I'm being immature. Am sure we'll plan something else some other time.
If it was the other way round, I wouldn't have gone.
Just wanted a handhold, not much else. Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 09/01/2018 14:51

I think he’s being a bit mean but it would be a big thing to miss a big surprise party for a landmark birthday for a close family member.

I think partly it depends why you and sil don’t get on - if she’s been a bitch to you then maybe YANBU. But I would just go, stay in hotel with DH and dd and spend rest of weekend with just them.

BarbaraofSevillle · 09/01/2018 14:51

Celebrate your birthday at another time. It can't be helped that BILs birthday is close to yours. He is having a party on his birthday, so the date is fixed.

While they are gone, spend your birthday doing exactly what you want to do. Spend the time alone or see friends/other family.

Go and see a film of your choosing, read a book, eat exactly what you want, go where you want, please yourself for an entire weekend. That would be a pretty big treat for a lot of people, especially mothers.

Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 14:54

It's a milestone birthday though, you couldn't really expect him not to go and tbf you decided not to join them so?

NoBallsHere · 09/01/2018 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 09/01/2018 14:59

Make the most of a weekend to yourself - best friend, fave movie (the one DH won't watch), pedi, Mani, Spa, shopping, fave food etc. etc.

And make sure you get a slap up celebration for YOUR 50th.

Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 15:00

BarbaraofSevillle

That sounds so good, I would be so excited if I got to have the whole house to myself for a whole weekend, I adore my husband and kids don't get me wrong but it's been so long since I've had that much time to myself, infact I can remember the exact last time I enjoyed it so much Grin It was 2 years ago and I had one full day and night to myself at home, I had it all planned out and it went perfectly, fire PJs, take away, uninterrupted TV viewing....heaven

ParanoidGynodroid · 09/01/2018 15:02

I think the PPs saying you've opted out are being unfair: you've opted out of your BILs birthday, not your own; the choice was his party or nothing, which is hardly an exciting choice.

I'd be a bit miffed, too, but I think I'd get over it pretty quickly enjoy the peace and quiet and a takeaway and bottle of champagne on my own Grin

Lovemusic33 · 09/01/2018 15:02

I would make plans with friends, a night out, a spa day or just relax and spend a day doing nothing. Enjoy your free time, at least you don’t have to deal with relatives that you don’t like.

Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 15:05

I think the PPs saying you've opted out are being unfair: you've opted out of your BILs birthday, not your own; the choice was his party or nothing, which is hardly an exciting choice.

If it wasn't for the fact that the relative was having a surprise party and it was a big birthday than maybe you'd have a point but as it stands it's the OPs normal birthday V's a family members mile stone one

Totally agree with the rest of your post though Grin

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/01/2018 15:07

You've chosen not to go with them... There's nothing else to be said, really? Confused

Original poster
NewToRenting · 09/01/2018 15:08

Giving myself a mental shake now Grin

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 15:09

Giving myself a mental shake now

Enjoy the alone time, seriously! Grin

ParanoidGynodroid · 09/01/2018 15:10

Ah, but come on Trinity, what's the big deal with being 50?
I don't get these milestone birthdays... surely it's no bigger a deal than any other? I'd call 100 a milestone!

That said, I'll be 50 next year so will probably milk it for all it's worth Grin

FizzyGreenWater · 09/01/2018 15:10

I would hate it.

But for me it would be tied up with my feelings about SIL.

Why don't you get on?

It should be more a case of - if they go, they WANT you there.

Not that they go off all excited and a tiny bit relieved you're NOT there as it'll be easier.

Grrrr.

mummmy2017 · 09/01/2018 15:11

Why don't you book a quick weekend away with a GF so your not home alone.

Lalliella · 09/01/2018 15:12

YABU. You chose not to go. Why don’t you get on well with SIL? It could be a chance to build bridges. The way you’re behaving you’ll alienate SIL and BIL more and that’s hardly fair on DH and DD is it? They’re their family remember? And could be yours too.

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