Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DD and DH going overseas on my birthday

40 replies

NewToRenting · 09/01/2018 14:37

All right I know IBU, at 48 a birthday is just another day. But DH has decided to visit his DSis overseas who's organising a surprise party for her DH's 50th. Mine and BIL's birthdays are 2 days apart so DH and DD8 leave on my birthday afternoon (right after school) to spend the weekend with SIL and DH's family. SIL and I do not have a great relationship, so I made my excuses. In all fairness, I wasn't really 'invited' except for a casual 'hey why don't you come too' from my DH.

It was a rare birthday weekend so I expected we would do something nice as a family. I know we can celebrate another day. I know I am not 10 and birthdays should no longer be a big deal at my age. I do have friends here (we do not live in our home country) but weekends they all spend time with their own families.

Despite trying to rationalise it, I still feel terribly hurt that I will be left all alone here, and that someone else's birthday takes priority over mine. Please talk some sense into me.

OP posts:

FaintlyBaffled · 09/01/2018 15:12

Meh, DH took DS to the midnight screening of a hotly anticipated film on my 40th birthday.
Personally I was thrilled not to have to go and may have used the excuse that it was my birthday not to join them
Plan a couple of treats and enjoy the peace and quiet

Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 15:14

Ah, but come on Trinity, what's the big deal with being 50?
I don't get these milestone birthdays... surely it's no bigger a deal than any other? I'd call 100 a milestone!

I plan on hiding under a rock for my 50th lol Ah you know people do the party shit and it's half a century and all that

NewYearNiki · 09/01/2018 15:15

Aw. Id still be upset.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2018 15:15

Now OP I am the queen of birthdays and I expect to be trrated like royalty for about a week before and after it. But even I think you're being U

Why don't you go out for a lovely lunch with DH. Then arrange a night out with friends. You can lie in to your hearts content the next morning and have a lovely indulgent weekend with friends / family / by yourself.

Or you could go with them

I think you might need a tiny trip to the grip shop

I hope you manage to have a lovely birthday anyway

marcopront · 09/01/2018 15:21

Why can't you celebrate with your family in the morning? Have a special breakfast together before school. Could you and your husband take the day off work and do something together?

NoMoreUsernames · 09/01/2018 15:23

Wouldn't bother me but I'm pretty meh about birthdays anyway. In fact I'd love to spend my birthday alone, I'd head into town for a bit of lunch, visit my favourite book shop then go to my favourite cinema that has big sofas, bliss. I'm actually considering booking a holiday this year so I'm not at home for my birthday, I really don't like any fuss, can you tell? . I think you should plan something special for yourself, maybe go away on your own for a night or 2.

Blackteadrinker77 · 09/01/2018 15:25

Why will you be alone?

Perfect excuse for a night with your friends, take away bottles or wine.

Tickety7 · 09/01/2018 15:26

Personally, I think you are BU.

You chose not to go. Making it sound like you wasn't "really" invited anyway doesn't really mean much to be honest. I am sure they all assumed you came/went as a package. Your SIL probably assumed you'd be going and your DH left the option to you as he is most likely aware there's some hostility between you and his DS.

Go and enjoy a spar weekend and have a bit of peace and quiet. Perhaps ask a friend to go with you?

Naz346 · 09/01/2018 15:28

My DH is going away with one of our 3 children in Easter to see his parents. I'm not happy about it as it's my birthday too and our wedding anniversary. Just have to suck it up i guess. On the plus side my 10 and 8 year old plan on throwing me a party lol

SandyDenny · 09/01/2018 15:30

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest but then I subscribe to the view that being bothered about your actual birthday day is a bit precious over the age of 10 and even then not something I can get too worked up about.

Trinity66 · 09/01/2018 15:30

On the plus side my 10 and 8 year old plan on throwing me a party lol

aww that's cute

CardinalCat · 09/01/2018 15:36

I get you on this one. People say YABU because you ‘chose’ not to go but, let's be honest; it doesn't sound like it was a very effusive invitation, and more of an afterthought, where they were secretly relieved when you declined. You are a silly billy for not saying earlier that would are sad about them missing your birthday. And now you feel bad and can't express it.

You don't want to stop them going, or to say anything that makes them feel bad about it, but deep down you are a bit hurt. You want them, unprompted, to want to stay with you for your birthday. However, they would, given a free choice, rather go away to SIL’s party. I’m sure it’s a fabulous trip, but it must smart and I feel for you. However, it's an absolute fool's errand to start wanting people to want things. We can’t control people’s motivations any more than we can control the weather. I’m afraid you need to jolly well suck this one up, or hitch up your knickers and tell them that you wish they were staying at home, but can you all plan something super for your birthday on their return.

Original poster

NewToRenting · 09/01/2018 15:41

Thank you CardinalCat, you understood my feelings perfectly.
Everyone else, thanks for the suggestions.
I had a bit of a wobble but I know IBU

OP posts:

Kleinzeit · 09/01/2018 16:00

Um, I sympathise. I don’t think the problem is so much that they wanted to go, it’s the very casual way they and especially your DH went about it. If it had been my DH, I’d hope the conversation would have been along the lines of "It’s BiL’s 50 th, SIl's doing this party, it would be great to go and celebrate… but oh look it’s your birthday too. So what shall we do about it? You could come too and we could have a celebration for your birthday with BiL and SiL on the spare day, or the three of us could have a special day the weekend after …. What would you like to do?”

And if it hadn’t gone like that, I’d tell my DH that I was pissed off that DH had talked as if going to BiL’s birthday was important but what happened about my birthday didn’t matter to him at all. After I’d had a good sulk, of course

Naz346 · 09/01/2018 17:24

It's best to stay away from situation that will cause pressure on yourself and your relationship. The outfall of such situations can be explosive, as you may know. That's the reason I'm y I'm not going with my DH to see his parents...we dnt have a great relationship as mil has issues with almost everything I say and do.

May be letting him go will help you sil to realise that you are a big part of his life and without you he doesn't enjoy himself the same, that could help reach a truce or some sort of peaceful ending.

Flip

1 2