Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him see his kids?

38 replies

pinkparamore · 08/01/2018 18:32

First post.

Father of two of my children who lives in the US has got in contact and said he will be in the UK for a few months and would like to see them but he dosnt want any 'daddy stuff', he just wants to 'hang out while hes here'. I know he has no intention of being a father and i just dont want to cause them any upset.

OP posts:
UnitedKungdom · 08/01/2018 18:33

Very difficult. What age are the kids?

Original poster
pinkparamore · 08/01/2018 18:34

@UnitedKungdom

6 and 8

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 08/01/2018 18:35

What do the children know about him? Have they met him before?

mickeysminnie · 08/01/2018 18:35

What is his definition of 'daddy stuff' and 'hanging out'? Would he expect you to stay with them. When did he last see them?

ny20005 · 08/01/2018 18:39

It depends if they know him or not

How does he think you'd explain him if he doesn't know them ?

kaytee87 · 08/01/2018 18:39

I'd say no, if he has no intention of being their father then why should he get to 'hang out' with them causing confusion.
Does he pay child support?

Original poster
pinkparamore · 08/01/2018 18:41

@mickeysminnie

basically he dosnt want to be a dad, he wants no proper relationship and wants he goes back to the US he isnt going to be calling or hurrying to get back to see them. I dont think he would expect me to be there, depending on what he does with them. Hes never met DS and only DD when she was a baby.

@Brakebackcyclebot

DD only when she was a baby so she has no memories of him, they know who he is, they have seen pictures but they know so far he isnt interested in having any relationship with them, no messages, no phone calls nothing.

OP posts:
Jasharps · 08/01/2018 18:42

Does he pay?
Do the kids know him?
Do the kids want to know him?
Is he a danger to them?

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 18:43

Ok in that case i agree there shouldn’t be contact

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 08/01/2018 18:45

Hell no. I see absolutely no benefit for your kids. He doesn't deserve to see them, they're better off without him x

UnitedKungdom · 08/01/2018 18:45

I think the kids could potentially accept that yes it's their dad and not expect anything more that seeing him, chatting to him and knowing his face if you play it casually and honestly. It could be important for them. But I'd want to be confident that he knew how to handle the situation too and wouldn't say/do anything that would hurt them like play games or put too much importance on himself or make any promises.

Cynara · 08/01/2018 18:46

Oooh, the cheeky fucker! I'd tell him to fuck right off with his selfish, self centred plan. It's all about him, isn't it?

Lifeisabeach09 · 08/01/2018 18:46

Does he have regular contact with the kids?

If not, tell him to f**k off! He can't enter and exit their lives whenever it suits him. It upsets the equilibrium you've established.

Even if he did have contact, this crap about not doing 'daddy stuff' is really off-putting. He sounds like a jackass!

ClaryFray · 08/01/2018 18:48

Absolutely not!

You'll be picking up the pieces while they re far from his mind when he's back in the USA

TheVanguardSix · 08/01/2018 18:49

No way.

passmethewineplease · 08/01/2018 18:51

God No.

What a horrible man.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 08/01/2018 18:52

No way

HannaSolo · 08/01/2018 18:53

What's in this for the children?

Absolutely nothing from what I can tell.

So no he can't see them - it's not in their best interests.

Brakebackcyclebot · 08/01/2018 18:54

What is he like? Do the children know enough about him to be able to make any kind of decision? They are very young.

I think like Unitedkungdom. I wouldn't say no without really thinking it through. If the children discover when they are older that he wanted to see them, even if just as 'fun visitor', they could be angry with you.

Is his message a request to you, or a demand?

Lovely333 · 08/01/2018 18:56

No hes a stranger to them.

altiara · 08/01/2018 18:57

So he wants to come over, you’ll be the host while the children play nicely with him watching and not interacting. I think it could work if he was invisible. If he’s visible, then the interaction might turn into Daddy stuff.
As he’s not in regular contact then could it make it worse for them if they’re used to him not being in their lives? I don’t see how it’s going to make it any better. I think I’d go with no.

Original poster
pinkparamore · 08/01/2018 18:57

Thought so, ill tell him no and i doubt he will be that bothered. Really hes not a horrible man, hes just a horrible partner and father. Maybe when there adults they could have a relationship with him but not when theyre still little and wont understand.
He does contribute financially also, but he is extremely sucessful so it is no burden to him.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 08/01/2018 18:57

No.
Fucking.
Way.

Do people in the US know he has kids? If so, I bet he's just after an up to date photo with them so that he can hide that he's a cunt.

Your kids deserve better Angry

And in my personal opinion, the law should deny him a visa if he isn't fully up to date with maintenance payments as required under the jurisdiction in which they were born.

ny20005 · 08/01/2018 19:11

It's a hard one. Kids that age are probably curious about what he's like & do they look like him, have mannerisms etc

But they might like him & want to see him again which will only lead to upsetting them

Maybe have a chat with them & see what they think ? 8's kind of old enough to understand. Explain he doesn't live here & May not be able to see them again for a long time & see if they want to meet him

MaisyPops · 08/01/2018 19:16

I think you should make the children available.
He is their father and he is paying child support. You don't want them to get to adulthood and to say 'we get dad works and lives in the USA but why did you stop him seeing us?'

Keep it simple though. Your Dad is over from the USA and would like to meet up. Because of where he lives he doesn't see you much. Let them see him. Make sure you and him are exactly on the same page about dealing with questions from the children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread