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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let him see his kids?

38 replies

pinkparamore · 08/01/2018 18:32

First post.

Father of two of my children who lives in the US has got in contact and said he will be in the UK for a few months and would like to see them but he dosnt want any 'daddy stuff', he just wants to 'hang out while hes here'. I know he has no intention of being a father and i just dont want to cause them any upset.

OP posts:

LokiBear · 08/01/2018 19:21

Can I ask - were you in a relationship? Dd he parent dd for 1.5 years then leave during your pregnancy with your ds? Or is he a sperm donor? If it's the latter, id say maybe an introduction would be fine. If it's the former, id say that he could visit with you there but he can't see them unsupervised.

LokiBear · 08/01/2018 19:22

Also, if it is the former, he is an absolute rat.

ginswinger · 08/01/2018 19:49

I think it kind of depends. If he's going to be like a cool Uncle, arriving with lots of toys, that could be okay. But if the expectations are higher, it could be rather awful. Your call really, I wouldn't blame you if you said no though, it's not setting a great example for the kids and a bit confusing.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 19:54

It’d be a no from me. No benefit whatsoever for the children and could really upset them in the end.

RB68 · 08/01/2018 19:57

I am sorry but seeing him is NOT in their best interests it will raise more questions and feelings of rejection than be helpful. It is a very strange attitude and basically I would be telling him in no uncertain terms he was not welcome it would not be in the best interests of the children at this point in time and if he wants that sort of relationship with them best to wait until they are adults and can decide for themselves to accept his crumbs

egginacup · 08/01/2018 20:05

I totally understand why you wouldn’t want him to see them. If it were me, the only doubt in my mind would be what if, when they are older, he tells them that he wanted to see them and you wouldn’t let him and they ask you why.

Is there no room for a conversation with him about how he can’t just drop in and out of their lives, and if he wants to see them he needs to commit to some kind of regular phone calls/ FaceTime?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/01/2018 20:07

Father of 2 of your DC.
Do your other DC see their Dad?
Do your 6yo and 8yo ever ask about their Dad?

Spadequeen · 08/01/2018 20:12

How would hanging out with a stranger benefit the children? Why does he even want to see them if he doesn’t want any kind of relationship with them. Does he think they’re pretty little dolls to pick and and play with whenever suits him?

This isn’t about what he wants or what you want. It’s about the children and their welfare and best interests.

MaisyPops · 08/01/2018 22:14

ginswinger
I agree.
It depends entirely how the visit is managed and what the expectations are.

The gut feeling I have is that saying 'no you can't see your children because I've decided it's not in their interests' is a potential own goal if they have contact when older and he says I tried to see you here and here but was told no.

Jon66 · 08/01/2018 22:20

The children have a right to a relationship with their father. It's about them, not him. Perhaps a first brief meeting in a coffee shop, followed by another the next day, and maybe a supervised visit to a play park. I wouldn't feel happy without supervision from you, your mum or somebody else close to you, as they don't know him, and you don't know him either (not having seen him for some years).

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 23:32

I agree with some posters in the fact that what will you say if they find out you stopped this when they are older and could potentially resent you for it.

Basecamp21 · 09/01/2018 00:00

I think it depends on how well it is managed. As long as expectations on all sides are managed then why would you stop your kids from having a few fun days with a relative.

Your children have an awful lot of life ahead of them and having even some contact with their Dad could have unforeseen advantages in decades to come.

Personally I can't see what you have to lose in letting him see them. Yes they may be upset when he leaves but this will be short lived.

If they have no contact with their father at all then you will have to face the strong possibility they will have similar or even worse feelings of rejection anyway. If they think you have prevented them from seeing him then they may be very angry with you in the future.

You know your ex - and whether he can be trusted to not build up their expectations of on going contact and then let them down. His lack of contact gives you the right to call the shots on how this happens but this is not about what you and him want or even what's best for your children now - it's about what is best for your children for the long term - and without knowing you all - I would imagine it is spending some fun time with their Dad.

SD1978 · 10/01/2018 09:05

I think they are too young, it would be co fusing and upsetting to have co tact for a few months, if he even managed that, for him to take off and have nothing further to do with them. Do you think they are old enough to meet him once, or that they would want to? I’d imagine they must be curious about him at least a little.

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