To not know where to go from here/feel completely overwhelmed?

[lessthanwise]

I have recently found out that my partner has been texting another woman for the past several months, almost a year (discussing me and our relationship as well as sexting and receiving pictures of her - that kind of thing. He hasn't met her whilst he and I have been together).

I have confronted him about it and he has behaved in what I would consider to be the most reassuring way considering the circumstances. He has apologised, taken responsibility and not tried to blame his actions on anything or anyone else (despite us both having had an extremely difficult year).

I have told him, although I don't think I really meant it, that I am questioning whether we have any kind of a future together and I have asked him to give me some space to think for a couple of days. He has gone to stay with his brother whilst I stay at home in his house.

He's devastated and has begged me to forgive him. He has assured me that I'm the only woman he wants to be with and that he wants us to make this work. He's said that he will do anything that I ask of him.

My main problem is that I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and unsure where to go from here. I do actually love him and I want things to work with him but I don't want him to think that I'm a pushover and will tolerate this sort of behaviour. A part of me really just wants to punish him. I want him to know how he has made me feel and to understand the risks of this kind of behaviour and what he will lose. I still don't really understand why he has done this.

Due to the circumstances surrounding our relationship - we were both married when we first started sleeping together and now I'm pregnant with a very unexpected baby which was the main reason my marriage ended when it did - I have nowhere else I feel that I could stay and little support from friends. I do have friends but I don't think they're particularly sympathetic to my plight for obvious reasons so I'm here to ask for some advice and support. Again.

I don't know if I should move out because, although I do think I need some space, I'm due to give birth within the next couple of weeks and I'm not sure that I'll even have the time to find somewhere suitable before baby arrives. Will I have the time or the energy to prepare a new house for a baby within the next few weeks? I'm also not sure how I would cope with parenthood on my own. It's not something I want to face alone. Single parenthood isn't something I had planned for.

Would I be better off continuing to live with him but perhaps have separate bedrooms for time time being? The house is big enough that we could avoid one another when we wanted or needed space but it is very much his house so I think I might just feel a bit awkward... I've only lived with him for a month up until now. We were hoping to sell when we were a bit more settled with baby and buy somewhere together.

I just need some advice. What would you do in my situation if you still felt as I do? I know it's difficult to trust him, especially as our relationship began as an affair, but I would like the final outcome to be to remain together.

Would I be unreasonable to ask to take the things we have already bought for baby with me to a rented property? He wouldn't be able to have baby overnight or even by himself for a while anyway as I am planning to breastfeed. I could rent somewhere with three bedrooms so that he could come and stay with us some nights and I could eventually replace everything so that he would have what he needed at his house for when he has baby by himself. Or do you think this is too final? I'd realistically have to rent somewhere for at least six months or a year which seems such a long time at the moment.

I'm sorry that this is all over the place. I hope that you can make sense of it.

Could you look to doing some kind of couples counselling?

I have suggested this and am planning to look into it but at the moment it just feels like something else to add to a very long to-do list.

I've suggested perhaps he could go on his own?

His dad cheated on his Mum whilst she was very poorly (she died last year) and left her alone and he really has a huge issue with this, can't forgive his dad but seems to behave in similar ways...

Why have you started a second thread about all this? It's been discussed at length on the other thread.

Different question.

I think that at 38 weeks pregnant, you probably need to wait until the baby is here before you make major life choices.

Do you have someone other than him who could be your birth partner? Can he move out for several weeks rather than a few days?

Make sure the baby has your surname in the birth certificate (you can easily change it later if you do decide you are a united family, but can only be changed from his to yours with his consent)

Dealing with affair fall-out is seriously shit. Stay a calm as you can, and remember that you can decide a timetable that suits you (and your baby) and if that means taking several weeks to work out what you want/need then that is fine.

And yes, go for a two bedroom place for you and baby. There is no need for a guest room unless you can easily afford it.

Well no he doesn't want to make it work. I want my marriage to work so I don't sext other men or send or receive inappropriate pictures.
Actions speak louder than words.

In your last thread you said he was putting you and your relationship down to this other woman and telling her he was trapped. He has made how he feels clear. I don't think you have a future. Your energy would be better spent planning your new life with your baby and planning to coparent with him and accepting that this is not the relationship that either of you want.

Didn't you post about this before?
I suggest you get your own place with baby. Being in an unstable relationship with a newborn is draining and stressful. If he hasn't cheated already, he will do when you stuck at home exhausted with baby.
You don't need him.

What's the big deal exactly?

You cheated on your ex, he cheated on his ex. Neither of you are the decent, faithful, trustworthy type so you seem made for each other. Seems a bit hypocritical for you to now be getting your knickers in a twist over him doing something that you thought nothing of doing to someone else.

Take him back & continue your selfish life together is my advice.

You are pregnant by a cheat, you're a cheat, you are already checking his phone and found out he is sexting.

You are heavily pregnant with no stable roof over your head and feel you can't solo parent yet you are in an unstable untrustworthy relationship.

Did I summarise that correctly?

The first thing you need to do is get secure accommodation for your child and start acting responsibly.
Would he give you a 12 month lease as a room tenant to give you legal rights?

Is this for real?

if i was you probably wouldn't be making any major decisions as yet, you've shown him what the consequence of his actions are and will be in the future. If you think what you have done so far is punishment enough and you know he is truly remorseful then fine, but i would keep a very close eye on him in the future until you feel everything is ok.

Or, once you have had the baby and in more control of yourself, and are mentally up for it, move on. You don't need to make any decisions now and you can always change your mind.

@whiskyowl
We have been together (on and off) for just a few years. It's not exactly how I would have planned my life but it's the situation that I'm in now, unfortunately.

Money isn't an issue, I could afford to move out, buy somewhere decent for myself and the baby, I don't need him at all. At least not financially.

But I want him. I have decided that I at least want to try.

This thread isn't really about whether or not I should leave him. I am aware that most other people are of the opinion that I should cut my losses and run but I don't want to do that. At the very least not yet. Not without trying.

Sit down with him and explaining the meaning of your relationship with expectations set by both of you.

You both need to work at building trust since this has all been built on lies.
It is important that both of you make a huge effort in order to show each other you are both all in and can be fully trusted.
If either of you cant be all in, then you need to seperate.

So far he has not been all in by any means.
I personally dont believe he ever will be, but i hope for you and your childs sake that he can do this

Well what is it about then?

@VikingVolva

Thank you. I think perhaps you're right about waiting. As it is I've never had a baby and I don't believe that as a first time Mum I can really be fully prepared for what is about to happen. I don't know how I will cope, whether I will get PND or anything like that.

As other people have said before, he might be out with other women, up to all sorts while I'm at home but, as it is currently, we're not in a happy, stable relationship anyway. I'd at least have a stable home that is baby ready so that I could focus on the baby while I needed to. Rather than getting very stressed out trying to find somewhere quickly and then trying to make it baby read. Once I've got myself together after the birth I could leave if I had to but I could take my time. Buy somewhere rather than rent and make sure the place is safe and ready to move into.

I feel at this point that nothing at all is stable so perhaps staying at his house might just be best. As I've said, we could live separately in the same home for now. At least I know that everything I want and need for the baby is already there and ready. As it's his house and not mine at all I don't feel I could ask him to leave. Although he has said he will do anything so perhaps I could. He could stay with his brother.

I would want him to be my birth partner I think. It's his baby and there isn't really anybody else I feel I could ask.

Realistically it's too short notice to now find a new house etc now.

I would suggest you stay put, but have separate rooms, drop the pretence of a relationship and love, have your baby, and then once you are recovered, find your own place.

If you still BOTH feel you want to try and make it work, start afresh - without feeling you HAVE to make it work or lose your home.

I think staying living together and then trying to make it work - with a baby added into the mix - is a mistake as it'll be under pressure rather than finding out if you both actually want the same thing.

lessthanwise - I am really relieved to hear that you are OK without him financially! Please make sure that you keep it that way - DON'T give up work or security. The situation just isn't certain enough to allow you to do that safely.

I do understand your desire to try to rectify this. And I think you should try. BUT I also think you need to bear in mind the possibility that this doesn't work out. This guy cheated with you, and now he's cheating on you, by text if not also sexually. Remember, he's been in the position of being found out before - he knows what to say to look suitably contrite. But the only way you can really judge someone is by their actions. You deserve better than this, you really do.

Good luck with the end of the pregnancy and the birth! I do hope things work out for you.

Ok lessthanwise

My advice considering what you’ve said:

You say you don’t need him financially and you have the means to be on your own, then you should make plans for this as quickly as is possible to do at 38 weeks. It’s hard you won’t like it but just let me explain why it’s important.

1. if you stay and keep the status quo your never going to be sure if he really picked you. He will stay because its easier and also because if he leaves you now he will look like even more of a shit then he already does. With pregnancy hormones and then post partum body issues plus a newborn you will feel insecure as it is without the added stress of trying to forgive/trust him. It will break you...honestly.

2. he already doesn’t appreciate what he has with you, if he did he wouldn’t have been sexting another woman. If he doesn’t lose you and feel what he’s lost, he is never going to appreciate it either. He will just mop his brow and say phew that was a close call and then when your on your knees with nappies, sleep deprivation a fussy baby and no sex he will pick up the phone and text her again. It will be that easy and happen that fast, and why?? Because he’s already done it once before and this time you won’t be looking for it, you’ll be busy with the baby and he will tell himself he needs/deserves some attention too. He no doubt already gave himself that excuse this time he will just be swapping pregnancy for baby as the excuse.

3. I’m not trying to be the messenger of doom and I’m not saying LTB but I do speak from experience. If you go, set up your life for you and baby create yourself a nice little bubble and learn to cope with baby on your own you will achieve 3 important things. Firstly he will feel the true consequences of his actions and if he really loved you in the first place he will beside himself with how stupid he has been and what he has lost. Secondly if he does indeed realise his stupidity and how much he loves you, he will do anything to work on a way to get you back. He will work to earn your trust and forgiveness and hopefully learn enough from his actions to NOT betray you again. Thirdly and most importantly if he does not do any of the above then he really is a shit who would have continued to cheat, lie and make you miserable because that is who he is. You however won’t have wasted your time making yourself miserable feeling insecure trying to forgive him, trying to trust him and will be ahead of the game because you’ve already created a life for you and baby on your own. Yes it will be sad, yes it will be hard but at least it will be honest and true and you won’t be filled full of insecurities and suspicions, and you will be free to concentrate on you and enjoying your baby.

Make him work for it, let him win you back, make him earn your trust and forgiveness because if you give it to easily he will only throw it away again.

I went through trying to forgive an infidelity with a newborn and I honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It completely ruined what should have been a lovely time enjoying baby snuggles and being loved up with a new baby. Instead I was a mess, I cried all the time, if I wasn’t in tears I was holding them back. My self confidence was smashed into a million pieces and despite quickly returning to my pre pregnancy shape I felt horrible. I was terribly insecure and constantly checked and looked for signs of further cheating. I drove myself practically mad, all when I should have been doing nothing but adjusting to life as a mum and enjoying my baby. 15 years later the infidelity is long forgiven but I will always resent him for what he cost me during those first precious weeks and months with our firstborn. The timing really couldn’t have been more awful, so before you try so hard to make it work and to forgive really think about what it will cost you to do that.

Sorry this has been long, but I do hope it helps.

Actually I think your updates put a different perspective on it. I'm not of the crucify anyone who cheats mindset as others may be as I realise life drives us in many directions.

Anyways, it seems you're sure he's remained faithful and I think leaving two weeks before the birth would be crazy. So I also would wait. You also want to try and he says he does, so I think I'd give him a chance. But do be very on your guard because the fact is he kept texting and sexting this woman and he did that for a reason a reason that says a lot about his intentions and who he is.

So you and he cheated on your respective spouses you are pregnant by the cheater and now you and he are together he has cheated on you. You can't really be surprised can you?

You reap what you sow has never been truer.

Sorry. You've fallen foul of the view that the "grass is always greener". You don't sound very invested in the relationship, which isn't a big surprise. You were still married 9 months or less ago. That's not time to move in. Particularly with someone where all you've got in common is a tacky side fling and cheating.
Forget punishment for others and starting "hate me" threads on mn. Get out, get independent.

I really hope you're not looking for too much sympathy here, OP? You admit yourself that you were both sleeping together before your marriages ended. Seems to me you might be getting what you deserve. I'm sure his ex wife would probably believe that what's gone around has come around.
Sorry, but I've got no sympathy for you. The only person I feel sorry for in this scenario is your baby who has done nothing to deserve this.
If I were you, I'd find a way of leaving this situation behind you and maybe not sleep with somebody else's husband while you're both in a relationship next time.

You don't even seem that sorry for your previous actions either, that kind of makes it worse in my mind.

This thread isn't really about whether or not I should leave him. I am aware that most other people are of the opinion that I should cut my losses and run but I don't want to do that. At the very least not yet. Not without trying.*

Then you know exactly where you are going from here, nowhere.

Completely agree with lilygolightly.

Oh course you aren’t going to leave him - that would require good judgment, common sense and bravery. All of which you are clearly lacking by warrant of having a seady affair in the first place. Sigh... it’s going to be your baby that really loses out in all this.