To try and force him to go to school

[Justturned50]

DS almost 14 refusing to go today - first day back after Christmas. Some bullying at the end of last school year means he's quite anxious and has experienced panic attacks. School have been great when he feels like this and he has had some school based counselling which gave home some coping mechanisms but nothing working today.

At a similar age I also refused to go to school because of bullying. My parents forced me to go, saying they had no way to make the bullying stop and it was a legal requirement for me to go to school. I felt afraid, isolated, vulnerable and unsupported.

They continued to force me to go to school and face daily bullying for the next four years. I gave up trying to tell them what was happening to me because they obviously didn't care and couldn't protect me. I learned that I was helpless and worthless. I withdrew into my shell and developed depression and social anxiety, and started having panic attacks at weekends because I was afraid of going back to school on Monday. I became distrustful and afraid of people because I had learned to expect them to hurt and bully me, and I isolated myself through fear.

The effects of this have been lifelong. I'm still very withdrawn and mildly agoraphobic because I'm afraid of what people might do to me. I still distrust people and battle depression and isolation. I still feel worthless and like everyone hates me. It's made it very difficult for me to live a normal life and make friends, or even get a job because I'm so withdrawn and fearful.

Please don't force your son to go to school if he's afraid and is being bullied. All he will learn is that he's vulnerable and helpless and has been abandoned to suffer. It can have serious lasting effects.

Oh bella your experience makes me sad and is exactly what I'm worried about. He isn't being bullied now but says he has no friends and doesn't trust anyone. So what should I do? I can't let him stay home forever.

Must be so hard. Is there anyway to help him find friends outside of school? is there a club he might be interested in?

Might be to hard for him to try something new but if he can it's worth looking at. I always felt more able to avoid peer pressure and happier to be myself at school when needed as I had good friends outside school. Not sure what the right thing is for today, so hard for you and your son

@bella so sorry to hear of your experience

The bullying was in the summer term last year but he seems worse now than when it was going on. He did have a good group of friends, but they seem to have excluded him a bit over the Christmas break (playstation problems) and he's worried about them ignoring him.

Pastoral support have offered for him to spend today out of lessons as long as he attends, but even that isn't tempting him.

I have suggested all sorts of things to do our of school but am getting the the point of exhaustion with trying.

Is there a hobby or even a school subject that he enjoys at all? I’m just thinking if it was something like electronics or gaming for table tennis (sorry you can tell I have no idea what teenagers like) could you maybe talk to school about looking at some extra curricular groups? I was quite quiet for a long time at school and found that by attending clubs set up by six formers I found friends in other year groups and classes. Plus I didn’t have to sit on my own at lunchtimes because I could go and join my activity group.

In my experience, once a child becomes a target it's difficult to reverse that. Even the non-bullies used to ostracise me because they were afraid they'd also become targets if they associated with me. With hindsight it would have benefited me if my parents had sent me to a different school to start over, especially if the new school had also helped by selecting a couple of decent kids and asking them to buddy up with me. Extra curricular activities where I could make friends would have also helped.

Thanks pengwynn but how?

Different school is not really an option. Only one alternative school in the area which is 100 x worse for bullying and poor behaviour.

pengggwn nothing that wouldn't seem like a punishment and he does seem genuinely scared to go.

Different class in the same school? Or does the school organise any activities at break or lunchtime so your son doesn't have to go out in the yard and be bullied? Or could the school buddy him up with a couple of other mature, kind kids so he isn't alone? Extra curricular activities would also help, although he may be fearful and need support in getting started (ask the group leader if they can assign him a buddy until he gains confidence, or go with him if necessary).

Can you home educate? It may really help him to be able to get on with his education whilst not worrying about how horrible other people can be.

Thanks for all of your suggestions but they all assume I can actually get him to school. I still have point blank refusal to go as it's all too hard and scary. He's just refusing to engage with any kind or support.

I am completely at a loss and have lost my temper with him, something I was trying to avoid.

Surely as his mum I should be able to fix this but can't get through to him.

hungry I work full time so not an option.

If he is worried friends will ignore him because of PlayStation issues the best thing for him is to convince him to go because surely it is unlikely his friends will ignore him?

Is there any of his friends you could invite over after school so he isn't worried tomorrow?

I sympathise, it is much easier said than done.

I will certainly not make being at home and attractive option, but was hoping to find a way of actually getting him to school today as tomorrow we do it all again.

Arrange a meeting with the school and your son to see if anything can be done to help ease him back in and encourage building friendships.
Once all options at school are exhausted, perhaps consider home schooling (and I'd encourage extra curricular activities for the social aspect).
I know my friend had trouble with her daughter being expelled and one option for her was attending a college instead.... could be something to look into?
Good luck xxx
Find out all your options and stress the importance to your son he continues his education and eat him choose the way forward x

*or let him

If you’re working full time and he isn’t attending already then he must be spending a lot of time at home alone, so maybe part-time HE would work? I’ve never done it, so quite possibly talking out of my unmentionable here, but I think some children can study at home through online programs. Couple that with some attendance at school maybe?

Also, don’t discount the other school too hastily. I think once a child has been bullied at one school, a change of scene can help a lot. Could you travel further to get him to a different school out of area?

Fwiw, I was bullied at school too and I wish my parents had let me move. I asked a few times but they totally refused to consider it. I started to fit in a bit more by the time I was 16 and lots of people left the school to go to college. It’s made me quite anxious socially and I think the not fitting in did badly effect my MH. I was a bit off the rails for a good while after school. I still don’t always fit in socially now actually, but I’m happy enough with that now I’m allegedly a grown up.

Don't punish him. I used to force my child in kicking and screaming to school during school refusal. Eventually I saw first hand why he didn't want to go to school and I pulled him out straight away and put him elsewhere. There's been no school refusal since. As you've said, this isn't an option for you. But school refusal is complex. I spent years making the situation ten times worse by forcing my child to go into school when I really shouldn't have. Sounds like he has issues at school which have not been properly resolved.

There are even part-time schools for HE children. So you predominantly HE (he could potentially do a lot independently at his age) but pay for a day here and there at one of the schools. Some state schools will let children attend pt too I think (though again, I’ve never done it).