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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think ex could work a regular working week?

40 replies

IsabellaTruffle · 08/01/2018 08:05

Ex and I split when DC2 was a small baby, DC2 has a rare disorder that would make childcare incredibly challenging and I would mainly rely on the support of my family. I made a choice when DC2 was born that I would be a SAHM, but obviously with the split this isn't really doable.

I have been looking for 2/3 days work a week for the time being, my DParents have said they would care for the DCs 2 days per week (retired), and ex would cover the other. He has until now had one weekend day and one weekday.

He is now saying he cannot possibly "give me a day" reliably as his rota changes all the time. He works in a sort of sports centre, so I can't see how it is "impossible" to ask his boss for the same days off because he has DCs.

At the moment I am really flexible when he makes last minute changes to when he sees the DCs as I am able to be as a SAHM and largely home (on account of DC2), but I don't see how this can continue long term and it just looks like he can do as he pleases and I will just take the hit financially and emotionally with the DCs until school?!

OP posts:

Madonnasmum · 08/01/2018 08:10

It sounds like where he works is similar to retail where days off are never regular. Not helpful you you but I can understand there are some industries where flexibility is required. So, if you had a job you could find out you are both off at the same time, or at work at the same time. Can your parents be flexible for their days?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/01/2018 08:19

Sports centres are 7 days a week 6am until 10pm normally so regular days are very unusual. He could ask, he could put in a flexible working request. It may well be turned down.

flimp · 08/01/2018 08:20

YABU to expect his workplace to change how they manage their shift work. Lots of people work irregular shift patterns and it wouldn't be fair (or even possible) to let just one of the team work regular hours.

Sirzy · 08/01/2018 08:22

He can put in a request but that doesn’t mean they have to follow it.

Bluelonerose · 08/01/2018 08:24

I don't think him asking his boss for one set day off to help his dc out is too much imo.
To have entirely set days would be harder but he won't be the only one working there with childcare issues so surely something is workable.

otherdoor · 08/01/2018 08:24

I have worked in similar environments and everyone had regular shifts. Then if there were particularly busy times we might occasionally be asked to work extra, but it was unusual and if you turned it down it wasn't a big deal.

I'm not saying it's exactly the same at your husband's workplace but just because it's not a 9-5 office doesn't mean it's 100% flexible with absolutely no certainty. I'd be amazed if they couldn't accommodate "Jim is never on the rota for Tuesdays" or whatever.

Trills · 08/01/2018 08:26

There's no reason why his workplace couldn't set up a rota over one or two weeks where everyone always had the same shifts.

There's also no reason why anyone running a shop or a restaurant or a bar couldn't do this. But they don't, for some reason.

It's unlikely that your ex is in a position to make this happen.

PersianCatLady · 08/01/2018 08:27

I don't think any other staff would mind or even notice if Jim never worked on a Tuesday (as per PP). What they would notice is Jim never working weekends.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 08/01/2018 08:29

He can ask. I guess they don’t have to accommodate him, but I think it would be helpful if he put in a request for one set day off per week. If it’s mid-week I don’t imagine it would be a problem in some places. Asking for something like every Saturday off in retail for example probably wouldn’t go down very well though.

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 08:34

If he’s a trainer or business dev manager, I can believe this really. I think you just need to say, I will give you flexibility but don’t expect me to change my plans to accomodate you and don’t make promises you can’t keep. Be thankful he isn’t a paramedic - a lot of trusts that do the 4 on 4 off pattern make them work back holidays.

TheOrigFV45 · 08/01/2018 08:36

My ex finally got around to working out a more fixed work schedule when we went to court for child arrangement order. But this was from a man who wanted to spend time with his child.
Does your ex want to spend time with his child?

Ilovetolurk · 08/01/2018 08:39

Yanbu it’s only one day out of his working week and that’s what a flexible working request is for

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 08:39

Surely it is HIS responsibility to sort childcare on HIS day?! If he is working tough shit, he sorts it. He is an adult

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 08/01/2018 08:42

You're not unreasonable, but in that sort of job it can be tricky. If are full time and you've said you're "fully flex", you'll be rota'd accordingly. Depending on the work place, you're unlikely to get a regular day off and a weekend day off on the reg, especially. I've had a full time retail job with regular Weds and Sun off- but my boss had care responsibilities so I benefited from his need for a regular rota as we had to cover each other.

Depending on his employer and how they rota, asking for change could be difficult. But YANBU to expect him to ask to see if it can be done/what can be done, especially as you have very good reasons that should be considered.

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 08:44

@count - one of the kids has special requirements I think, so it’s probably easier for OP to take over

TiredMumToTwo · 08/01/2018 08:45

YANBU but I bet he wouldn’t even ask - which is what my ex did.

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 08:48

Why Raving?

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 08:51

Sometimes it is. One of my dn is anaphalactic to Dairy in the sense that he’ll react even if you’d eaten it. An allergy like that is rare and not really conducive to childcare as you can’t police what your employees eat.

FoxyRoxy · 08/01/2018 08:55

I work in retail, I get a set day off due to childcare reasons. So does my manager and my assistant manager. He ibu to not even put in a request for this.

Checklist · 08/01/2018 08:56

Ex will be a carer to a disabled child and is protected by The Equality Act 2010, by association. So long as he has been working for his employer for 26 weeks, he is entitled to flexible working as a reasonable adjustment - and his employer can only refuse if they have a sound business reason!

See Carers Uk factsheet on this:

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/work-and-career/other-rights-at-work

Checklist · 08/01/2018 09:00

Ps - by flexible working, I mean he could ask not to work one fixed day in the week as he has to care for DS! I assume his employer has a team of people, and could just change the roster around, so Ex never works say Tuesdays.

Trills · 08/01/2018 09:11

He could definitely ask. Some workplaces are just quite unreasonable on this and claim that they couldn't possibly have set shifts, even though the number of hours they are open and the number of staff needed per shift does not change from week to week.

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 09:15

Raving surely that means a parent is better placed, and not just the mother?

There is not reason he should not be doing more childcare. He just doesn't want to.

Akire · 08/01/2018 09:18

Agree with all the above, it tends to be more a man issue in that they can never be the ones to take time off or requests formchildcare. Surely there are women working there who have to pay for Childcare and need to know set days a week? They can’t all Be childless or students on zero hours.
One day is fine that leave him 6 days to be flexabe about his shifts, hardly a big ask.

Original poster

IsabellaTruffle · 08/01/2018 10:01

I understand its not a 9-5 job completely and know his hours are erratic but surely they could accomodate a day that is regular?! Surely others need similar for childcare/other work commitments they surely can't expect everyone to be able to change their days off every week there can't be many people who are available 24/7?!

OP posts:

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