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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for some guidance / help? Child with stomachache due to constant stress.

61 replies

LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 20:43

I really want to help my son Sad

He's 8 and is on the route to ASD assessment ; although I'm certain he is autistic.

He has been acting out a lot this week (returned to school) ; he has angry outbursts , claws at himself (no damage done as he chews his fingers bare) and is generally shouty and upset .

Today he says he's so sad Sad he says his tummy hurts when he is so angry all of the time . I think this is down to stress.

I talk to him about his feelings but he can never explain why he feels like this . He doesn't know how I can help him and sadly , neither do I Sad

WTF do I do ?! The waiting times are so long I fear he's going to go without help at all anytime soon and it breaks my heart to see him so sad.

I can't get him to do anything without a big , distressing battle.

CAMHS won't deal with us because of the ASD potential .

If I were to seek private help , who would I see ?

A psychologist ? A psychiatrist? A psychotherapist to help him manage his anger ?

I'm at my wits end. Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 21:49

Thankyou for sharing . Assessment is hugely out of my budget unfortunately.

I could stretch to some type of emotional therapy - psychotherapy was a suggestion from his GP.

Does anyone have any idea if this would be beneficial ?

OP posts:
ToeTouchingTitties · 07/01/2018 21:49

My DS, 8, is very anxious and under CAMHS. He also suffers with stomach pain when he's really worked up or under stress and has been diagnosed as suffering with abdominal migraines.

Laying down in dark places while listening to quiet relaxation music, plus pain relief help him.

Hope your DS finds something that reduces the symptoms.

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 21:49

I have difficulty getting mine out of the house too, but we insist upon taking him for walks - quiet ones near the trees, birds, water etc. This is calming for him (and me).

The anxiety is a constant and exhausting companion when you’re autistic so we don’t put too many demands on him and we allow him lots of time on minecraft and sims etc. (nothing violent ever).

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 21:51

If he has asd then psychotherapy won’t help. Nothing helps to relieve the anxiety apart from rest, avoidance of the stressor/s and medication.

Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 21:53

I've set away some relaxing sounds on his tablet to get him to sleep - the chugging of a train on tracks Smile.

Pps are right , I shouldn't feel guilty . I need to remind myself not to base my parenting around what I should do if he was NT . I think if I relaxed a bit and accepted I might have to adjust things , it might help .

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 07/01/2018 21:54

Well, he's lucky you recognise that he's telling the truth. I got stress stomach aches and got fucking fed up with The Boy Who Cried Wolf probably nearly 1000 times. Flowers

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 21:54

If you can afford it then get him to see a paediatric psych for an initial consultation and discuss meds for anxiety. If he can get the anxiety under control then he can get on with life’s challenges (school).

We only paid that much initially due to the cbt sessions.

MistyMeena · 07/01/2018 21:58

OP, if you use Facebook there's a fantastic group for school phobia/refusal. The vast majority of parents there have children with ASD and your struggles are very familiar. It's incredibly supportive and informative.

Search for school refusal support service on FB.

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 21:59

Yes, don’t feel guilty. The best thing you can do is minimise stressors and let him do what he needs to do to relax. I spend hours and hours on YouTube watching animal videos and faffing in the garden. I give ds vitamin D supplements to help if he’s not getting lots of sunlight (he can’t play out due to the bullying from other kids on the estate) and make sure he goes on the exercise bike twice a day for exercise.

With autism, it’s always just making the best of a difficult job and constant compromising. I’m nearly 50 and still living this way.

Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 21:59

I think I'm going to have to overhaul my way of thinking .

I have set days he is allowed to have his tablet , this is to make sure he doesn't overdo it on screens and that we have a variety of stuff to do.

On the days he doesn't have it , I usually insist we go for a walk or similar after a slight break after school .

Maybe this is where I'm going wrong.

OP posts:
StopTheRoundabout · 07/01/2018 22:02

Would something like sensory or play therapy help? Your GP may be able to recommend the best options.

ColonelJackONeil · 07/01/2018 22:04

Yes I would try changing what you are doing. If you are worried about the tablet you could alternate with books about his favourite subjects. A walk outside might be too stimulating for him if he is already overstimulated. Something indoors might be better. He might do better with an outing at weekends when he has had a chance to rest.

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 22:05

Give him his tablet. It’s fine to need to detach frequently as this reduces anxiety. Try to focus on activities which are none demanding and quieter. A walk is great. Ask him what he needs and what helps. Mine can’t describe what’s bothering him emotion wise, but he knows what makes him feel bad and what makes him feel good.

Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 22:07

Play therapy is something I would look in to . I thought this was the same as psychotherapy as ones I've researched mention the focus of play .

It's very confusing Confused

OP posts:
ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 22:09

Do you have a dog or a cat? These often help relax asd people. They can get a lot out of a relationship with a pet as it’s non threatening and straightforward.

Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 22:09

Valuable advice from everyone Flowers

chickenpaws DS can't explain why he feels a certain way but he suggests ways to fix it which usually involve him getting his own way / what he wants . Even when it's not possible .

It's often trivial stuff (usually the tablet way past bedtime) but it's a huge deal to him and it makes him upset .

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeAintQueasy · 07/01/2018 22:10

We have a dog ; DS does adore him Smile

OP posts:
ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 22:13

Most therapy - particularly talking therapy - doesn’t work with autistics because our problems are sensory and socially based stress reactions. No amount of talking can change this. It’s something you can learn to tolerate and bear, but it never ever goes away and it’s worse when you’re stressed. The stress doesn’t come from our thought processes but from something more fundamental (brain wiring).

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 07/01/2018 22:13

Would he enjoy drawing trains, making puzzles of trains, building trains with Lego, making train tracks with straws or small sticks collected outside? Or even making train tracks in the mud?

ChickenPaws · 07/01/2018 22:15

I hear you, obviously he can’t have the tablet past bed time Grin

Have you looked at sensory lights for his bedroom? Ds has a star one which is relaxing. Does he read?

Snowysky20009 · 07/01/2018 22:16

I see social stories have been suggested, what about que/emotion type cards? Where you have one with a smiley face, one with a sad face, one crying etc (like emojis) so that he can show you how he is feeling as a way of communicating it to you rather than verbally trying to express it. You can buy them, but can easily make your own, and add to them as different emotions come up.

ColonelJackONeil · 07/01/2018 22:19

Autistic children often have trouble sleeping so this may explain why he wants the tablet at night. You might find if he has more time on it during the day he will cope better at bedtime and you could compromise that he could read a book if he can't sleep.

Osirus · 08/01/2018 00:21

I suffered terrible stress-related stomach issues from 12 to 21, on and off. The longest period I suffered constantly was 2 1/2 years. I was sick every day and lost a lot of weight. My mum was very worried, but nothing she or the GP did worked; I eventually worked my way out of alone as I got older.

I used to take an alternative medicine juice drink which used to help, but I’m sure it was a psychological effect, after all the issue was psychological. I believed it would help though and it did, maybe you could try something similar for the stomach problems?

I will add that I didn’t know until I turned 17 that my issue was stress and anxiety related - it hit one day out of the blue and I took a week off school, and stayed ill until I finally left.

sazza76 · 08/01/2018 02:11

My son is 9 and he's Autistic he has had stomach and bowel issues on and off since he was born. Last year he started getting stomach ache every day, I knew it was stress but took him to the GP anyway to be sure. GP examined him etc and suggested that even though he didn't seem constipated to try a daily laxative they give to children. Oddly enough it worked, helping things move easily got rid of his stomach aches completely and he was much happier. GP said it seems to work quite often with children on the spectrum. It's always worth a trip to the GP even if you are fairly sure it's anxiety.

IlikemyTeahot · 08/01/2018 03:26

If you have ruled out any issues at school or suspect there is something else happening look up social stories. It's a way to help kids who might struggle with communication to understand how to deal with certain situations and helps parents understand how the child wishes to be helped. I think there is a comic strip style app for the tablet that you can do together or perhaps he could do alone and you have a peep later? Another thing you could look into is his diet maybe add remove certain things, introduce some vitamins minerals Omega 3 etc if necessary...Dr Google will advise. I'm willing to try most things that are easier to slip into routine like subtle diet changes and ive noticed they have had small effects, by no means life changing and maybe doesn't work for everyone but I've noticed my DS is not as highly strung. I've also been trying Aromatherapy with my son and I find it really helps Ive got about 3 different blends I use for certain times of day but he does love smells the stronger the better so maybe thats why it works for us Hmm My DS has ADHD ASD SPD and a couple more letters of the alphabet thrown in! He is also prone to terrible anxiety (except he is affected with headaches/blurred vision and more of a butterfly feeling in his stomach) when something is coming up or if something changes unexpectedly it can trigger a massive outburst. I agree with PP a visual timetable is extremely helpful (works for my other DC too) it doesnt have to be over the top it can even just be simple posters with bullet points around the house for example: Bathroom would be
•brush teeth
•wash face with soap and water
•hang towel
Bedtime
•put on pjs
•prepare schoolbag
•devices off by X o clock
Going out
•plan for the day (map to destination leaflet for event bus timetable?)
•choose outfit
•prepare bag-meds snacks drink etc
•check shoes keys wallet etc
Tell him what you need him to do and help him mentally prepare (in advance) hopefully it may help him feel calmer if he knows what to expect. Maybe if he has an easier time with the small stuff you will both be able to focus more on what could be bothering him xx