To object to DH being treated like a 3 year old because he has cancer?

[ruthboros]

My husband has cancer and has been struggling to eat. On Friday the dietitian gave him this leaflet - inside there are various recipes she’d marked with a tick or a cross. Fair enough. However, she also felt the need to explain the meaning of a tick and a cross - despite the fact everyone is familiar with this system since primary school. I realise she has to deal with people in all kinds of situation and of different cultures, who genuinely might need an explanation. But my husband is very obviously British and also very obviously not intellectually impaired! AIBU to be angry he has been treated as if he is stupid just because he has cancer?

Thank you, yes, oral cancers are terrible. Unimaginably awful and yes, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you are completely better now. DH is now eating puréed food having had his NG tube removed last week. The background to this is that the dietitians have been dire. But you are right, you see the best and the worst in the healthcare professionals in the NHS and some of them have been fabulous beyond words.

Hi Roofio,
I’m sorry to hear you had mouth cancer and I hope you’re well now. It is truly dreadful, you’re right. I’ve no family within 400 miles and have to keep on my demanding full time job as DH can’t work, so it’s hard to get support. It’s bad enough having cancer without feeling you are treated like an imbecile as well. He was really upset she thought he was, as he put it, ‘brain dead’. We probably are over reacting but it’s a very sensitive time when his whole appearance has changed, dramatic weight loss, visible tube on face 24/7. He’s gone from a big handsome relatively young man to an emanciated broken husk in the space of weeks. And now, it seemed to him , people think he’s stupid too. I’ve been reassuring him it meant nothing but I think it was a bit insensitive and patronising.

I'm well educated and my career is based on my ability to interpret and analyse information.

When I was post partum and not sleeping (ill baby), I lost the ability to interpret the most basic information from HCPs. I am really grateful for the idiot-proof leaflets and so on.

Have also been ill in Canada, where I received similar leaflets about nutrition... being told that a "hockey puck sized serving" was what I should go for, was incredibly unhelpful and frustrating. It's so important to take cultural difference into account.

I've worked in editing and the check mark indeed does resemble a strike through. When I was ill you better believe I'd have been in danger of stressing myself out trying to work out context etc etc and feeling stupid and befuddled.

Being ill especially with something that's complicated to recover from, such as what your DH is going through, is horrible and you do start to feel like everything is an assault on your personhood, your ability, and so on. I've been there. I'm sorry you are going through this x

really I have worked with SALTs for years.
Some are obsessed with safe swallow.
They drive the parents of the kids they work with insane with it.
I suppose I can see why. They don't want anyone on their case getting sick but feeding is so fundamental to well being 'just in case' can cause no end of upset.

Thank you Grunkle. I’m sorry you were ill too and you’re right, everything starts to feel like it’s undermining you. I hope you’re well again now.
I totally accept the cultural difference point - I have no idea how big a hockey puck is! - but DH is very obviously British so that didn’t apply here.
Ditto the confusion point - yes, at certain times during chemo and RT, DH was pretty out of it. I was there, I know what it’s like.
But he’s perfectly fine mentally now, sharp as a razor, as well he might be, he’s a finance expert who went to Oxford - again, it’s obvious to anyone paying minimal attention that he’s not a dunce, he’s just got a very sore throat.
In the context of the whole leaflet there really was no scope for confusion between what the tick and the cross meant, or between a tick and a strike mark.
I think looking at the response here, yes, we’ve got it out of proportion - it was one perceived indignity too many.
I do still think she was a bit off piste and that she should relate to the individual in front of her, not just run on autopilot.
But I accept I need to learn chuck it in the f**k it bucket!

Hi op. How are you and your husband getting on? I have been thinking of you. Is he managing to eat enough at the moment? Yes, having cancer changes you in so many ways, but it also changes how some people see you which can be really crap. He is still the same man he was, probably even stonger in many ways. You can always pm me if you need to talk!

At first I read the OP and was about to type that the hcp was being a bit rude. But then I remembered how I deal with patients day to day (nurse here). You really would not believe how silly people act when they are in hospital or in any unfamiliar situation. I don't mean this in a rude way, as I know being sick can be very overwhelming and it's easy to lose common sense, so I understand.

For example, I ask patients to come in lie down on the examination bed. I specify "please lie down on your back, head here points to pillow". This must sound ridiculous but if I don't, at least 2-3 patients per day will lie face down and put their feet on the pillow. I feel it's worth it telling everyone to save these patients the time and embarrassment. Even with my spiel, at least one patient per week puts head flat on the table and feet on the pillow.

This is just one example. Another is that you must explain how the hospital gown is to be put on, or almost everyone puts it on backwards and come out half naked.

Personalised care is ideal mostly, but when it comes to this type of thing, I find a short explanation given to everyone but targeted at no one is best.

Hi Piewraith,
You sound lovely! I think what you’re doing is perfect, no one would resent that or feel it was condescending. Because it’s right for that situation.
The point about this dietitian is she knows us and has been seeing us since September, twice a week, so it was a different situation. There were points much earlier in treatment where he was stressed and that kind of interaction might have.been appropriate but it’s past that stage now.
It was very jarring. I was trying to think of an analogy of someone who isn’t close but does actually know you a bit behaving like that. For instance, a hairdresser that you’ve had for a while saying something like - ‘if I dye your hair the colour will change you know’ or ‘if I cut it it’ll be shorter.’ You would wonder what the person was on and/or why they thought you were so dense!

Probably just an auto pilot thing on nurses part as you said she's dealing with many different people

Hi Roofio,
Thank you - it makes a huge difference people thinking of you doesn’t it? It’s true that cancer changes how you are seen by some others but the flipside is it also exposes you to the kindness of strangers like you. He’s tucking into some fruit and whizzed up oats now - we’ve been lounging in bed with the papers - and he’s generally been eating pretty well. It’s a long old haul though. If he gets a positive result from his pet scan st the end of Feb that will be a breakthrough. I hope you’re doing well yourself Roofio.
All love to you.
Ruth

Over reacting sorry, its not a big deal

‘if I dye your hair the colour will change you know’

ROFL