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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To object to DH being treated like a 3 year old because he has cancer?

62 replies

ruthboros · 07/01/2018 20:03

My husband has cancer and has been struggling to eat. On Friday the dietitian gave him this leaflet - inside there are various recipes she’d marked with a tick or a cross. Fair enough. However, she also felt the need to explain the meaning of a tick and a cross - despite the fact everyone is familiar with this system since primary school. I realise she has to deal with people in all kinds of situation and of different cultures, who genuinely might need an explanation. But my husband is very obviously British and also very obviously not intellectually impaired! AIBU to be angry he has been treated as if he is stupid just because he has cancer?

To object to DH being treated like a 3 year old because he has cancer?
OP posts:
TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 07/01/2018 20:44

YANBU. Sometimes medical people (and teachers) forget how to talk to fully functioning adults. Have a quiet word with her and just tell her to talk to DH like a well-educated adult. Just talk to him normally.

OTOH some folk she might have to deal with might be so ill they just need obvious signs.

MudCity · 07/01/2018 20:48

She was aiming to ensure her communication was clear by supporting symbols with words. That’s all.

Jaxhog · 07/01/2018 20:53

It's funny how patronising some 'medical' staff can be. I think they confuse it with being 'sympathetic and caring'. It's like they think they are so special because they have a bit of medical training and that the rest of us are idiots.

randomsabreuse · 07/01/2018 21:00

They knew - work related injury... plus discussion with aneasthetist about something technical should have been on notes too.

meredintofpandiculation · 07/01/2018 21:00

RavingRoo People in your acquaintance group may associate a tick with a strikethrough, but the wiki page you linked to is the discussion on the entry, not the entry itself. The entry itself makes it pretty plain that the normal us of a tick is "yes" "correct" etc en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Check_mark

Touchmybum · 07/01/2018 21:04

I think you've more to worry about that this tbh. Don't give it another thought.

TheFirstMrsDV · 07/01/2018 21:04

Really I expect she wanted to check you had a safe swallow rather than be able to swallow at all.
If you aspirate it puts you at high risk of chest infections

Flowers
SockUnicorn · 07/01/2018 21:06

I worked in a similar field so hope I can maybe answer from the oncologists point of view. Some people associate a X with a yes (like X in the box for confirmation on forms). So I think she wrote it to save confusion or "other opinions" coming into play when you got home. The amount of phone calls our clinic secretary got regarding "can i just confirm..." Plus with something like chemo or various cancer drugs (unsure your husbands treatment plan so this may not be valid) you can get memory lapses and confusion. Also every oncology appointment for you is so full of brand new scary information that perhaps she just thinks she is being thorough and saving unnecessary doubts or questions when you get home. I would not take offence OP and would think she is just covering all bases.

Plus if you did happen to misunderstand, you could do damage by not following correct advice until your next appointment (in some cases 4 weeks in between).

Flowers for you and your DH

WhatIsGoingOnNow · 07/01/2018 21:09

As others have said I would view it as can or cannot eat. Been in same position as your husband- really there are other things to be upset over and you maybe upset over something much bigger which is totally fine to be.

ruthboros · 07/01/2018 21:12

She’s met him several times and although he has been stressed and not his normal highly intelligent self at times earlier in treatment, he’s fine in that regard now.
I felt, given she knows him, this was not the right tone and revealed an attitude on her part.
But seeing the earlier post - obviously there are people who think a tick means don’t do it and a cross means do, so there you are - I never knew that!
As for Fortijuice, yes, it’s rank. I wouldn’t give it to a rat for poison but its been necessary....
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 07/01/2018 21:22

I'm sorry you felt patronised; but I think your reaction is disproportionate.

I hope your DH recovers well Thanks

reallyshortarse · 07/01/2018 21:41

TheFirstMrsDV - this was 8 weeks after being discharged and undergoing 2 weeks of radiotherapy and chemo - she didn't listen to my chest. I do understand she was trying to make sure it wasn't going into my lungs, but she was patronising and looked as old as my daughter - I am only 49 so not in my dotage yet.

sophiepotato · 08/01/2018 08:29

I felt, given she knows him, this was not the right tone and revealed an attitude on her part.

Maybe you've missed a bit of the story but if the dietitian met your husband several times and was generally respectful and reasonable then it seems like a hell of a leap to think from this one tiny bit of explanation that she was taking an attitude and not just either trying to be helpful or operating on autopilot.

To be quite honest in my experience it's the intelligent and thoughtful patients who are most likely to ring up with extra clarification questions as they are the ones who think about all possible meanings of the information they've been given and care about getting it right. I once had a patient ring me to ask how many sets of under he should bring to hospital for a scheduled operation. He was clearly very intelligent and I'm sure perfectly capable of working it out for himself but was also obviously very anxious about the whole process and keen to make sure everything was "right".

sophiepotato · 08/01/2018 08:31

*How many sets of underwear - typo fail

ruthboros · 08/01/2018 14:18

Sophiepotato,
I think she meant well - and yes, I do think she was on autopilot. When I said it revealed an attitude I didn’t mean she was deliberately being snide or obstreperous. I meant it betrays her underlying assumption that cancer patients and carers need something as basic as a tick and a cross explained to them in writing. Why not assume we are normal adults just like her? Particularly given she has met us several times and knows who we are.
It is only a little thing in itself but there have been other examples of patronising behaviour and they do add up when you’re on the receiving end.
But yes, I guess maybe I am over sensitive - I feel pretty flayed alive by the fact the man I love is in such pain and I’m terrified I might lose him, so I accept I’m probably in displacement mode.

OP posts:
Colouringoutsidethelines · 08/01/2018 14:25

ruthboros I work in a hospital as a HCP and the amount of arse covering we do is phenomenal. Cynical me says that one patient five years ago misunderstood the tick and cross system which NOW results in every patient being condescended too in such a manner, lest any human error ever occur again. Hmm
All the very best with the husbands treatment Flowers

roofio87 · 08/01/2018 14:33

Op, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I had mouth cancer 7 years ago and found eating a real struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy let alone the person I love. He'll find things to eat, even if its just a couple, stick with them. The only part I enjoyed was the freedom to eat as much sponge and custard as I wanted! I hope you are getting support too, you will find some hcps that you hate and some that will save your sanity!

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 08/01/2018 14:38

I’d know that tick meant yes and cross meant no, if I saw them together but if I saw a single page where everything happened to be a X then I might assume it meant “this one recommended”. And if I had no guidance at all other than tick and cross then I might worry that X meant “this will interfere with your medication with possible fatal consequences” rather than “not ideal”.

brownelephant · 08/01/2018 14:39

yabu
some people are not very bright and some people get frazzeld in stressful situations.

sorry your dh is ill.

Loubilou09 · 08/01/2018 15:04

I can't see how anyone would think a tick means no and a cross means yes but you always get one on MN who likes to stir things up Hmm

ruthboros · 08/01/2018 15:44

She put a tick or a cross against various recipes in the leaflet.

She then verbally explained to DH what a tick or a cross means, then she also wrote it down on the leaflet.

Of course crosses alone can be interpreted as meaning ‘yes, opt for this.’

But in a context where there are ticks and crosses, I think most people would interpret the tick as positive, and the cross as negative.

It’s interesting how many people are urging me to see her p.o.v.
and I can. I imagine she deals with all sorts people and that there is arse covering. But does that really stop her using judgment and relating to the people actually in front of her?

I think she meant well but it betrayed an unconscious assumption that patients and carers need to be treated as if we are pre-schoolers, not as functional adults who happen to have cancer.

And surely cancer professionals should try to see things from the point of view of the patient and the carer.... isn’t that the aim?

Eg - don’t patronise but treat people with respect as normal adults....

Yes, you do get chemo brain and radiotherapy brain - but it doesn’t wipe out your entire basic understanding to such infantile levels that you stop knowing what ticks and crosses mean, or what does red and green mean at the traffic lights, or being able to count to ten - though I realise someone will come on and say yes it does!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/01/2018 15:50

I think she was just doing her job. I honestly don't think she was being patronising or undermining your DH. Maybe she has to explain to each patient what it means?

Try not to dwell on it OP. Best wishes to you and your DH Flowers

MrsFezziwig · 08/01/2018 15:55

Perhaps she thought your husband was a friend of RavingRoo’s and might get the tick and the cross the wrong way round. Confused

ruthboros · 08/01/2018 16:02

Hee hee hee!

OP posts:
Thisisanoutrage · 08/01/2018 16:06

My DH’s kidneys failed and we spent a lot of time in hospital and spoke to dietitians a lot. I found they were very used to elderly patients which had the knock on effect of us seeming like youngsters that needed a lot of help (we were in our early thirties). It did all feel a little patronising at times but they were helping the best way they could so I just went with it.

I’m sorry to hear about your DH. Make sure you look after yourself too.

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