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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just have a ranty fucking rant though IABU?

57 replies

Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 14:16

ExH and I generally get on very well. He has our DD every other weekend. My friend (who's DD was born on same day and is my DDs BF) suggested we book a cottage for the weekend of their birthday. She's not free other weekends because of her shifts at work. It's exH's weekend and he's refusing to swop, even though he's no plans for her. I'm pissed off, but can't really demand he swops. We were going to have hot tubs, games, buffet, make own pizzas, let the girls make mocktails, watch films, chat, sip wine and pretty much have an awesome time Sad I'm fucking pissed off but IABU. Just wanted to rant. Feel a little better already Grin

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2018 15:00

That was to grow.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2018 15:03

Ach, you know YABU but it’s OK to be disappointed! Plan it fit a different weekend- presumably next year it’ll be your turn for her birthday to fall with you, so you can do the joint celebration when they’re 9?

SoupDragon · 07/01/2018 15:25

Why don’t you just go two weeks after or two weeks before.

As the OP clearly states, the friend can’t do other weeks.

And 2 weeks before or after would still be the fathers weekend.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2018 15:26

OP, your rant is fine as it’s just that, a rant.

AnathemaPulsifer · 07/01/2018 15:35

Bit of a weird idea- but can he tag along? I don’t know how well you get on.. but you’d both be able to spend the weekend with her

My eyes keep getting drawn back to this post - I’m wondering on what planet even a lovely ex-husband would be welcome on a girly weekend break Grin Grin Grin

Ginormoustrawberry · 07/01/2018 15:49

soup you’re right I didn’t RTFT properly.

The point I’m getting at really is that this can be rearranged for a different weekend and everyone is still a winner.

(OP’s friend will just have to book holidays from work or they’ll have to go midweek during the school holidays)

ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 15:56

Could you and your friend not go away for the amazing hot tub weekend together?

Her dd can either be with her dad, or your ex could have both girls for the most amazing birthday sleepover weekend ever.

You're happy, the girls are happy, ex is happy......

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/01/2018 16:08

Your friend is the one at fault, not your ex. She mst be able to get more than one weekend a year off so just go another time.

GoReylo · 07/01/2018 16:11

It's a shame but if it's his turn to have her for her birthday weekend I can understand why he doesn't want to change, he is probably making his own plans. Arrange to do something amazing next year when it's your turn.

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 16:15

As I say, I just wanted a BU rant Grin we will book it for another weekend, just the way our weekend are, it won't be until around April time. She gets very few holidays with her shifts and they aren't flexible. I'll do all this, but as I say JUST WANTED A RANT Grin

To the person who suggested this weekend was tailored for the adults sake: so not the case. We know our DDs very well and know how they enjoy spending their time.

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Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 16:16

And no, I won't be asking my exh to come along... we would actually kill each other if we had to spend a full weekend together Grin

OP posts:
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 07/01/2018 16:17

Is your friend really not free other weekends? Does she work every weekend?
So as not to drip feed I was going to suggest as your DDs are best friends why don’t you sync her DD’s contact with her own Dad - assuming they’re not together or why would she be taking DD away without her dad for bday - with your own Dd’s alternate weekends for future socialising full stop?

JacquesHammer · 07/01/2018 16:21

Can you just refuse to hand her over. What a bastard

What a stupid idea - is this a serious suggestion?

He's her parent. He's equally as entitled to see his DD on her birthday Hmm

OP - it's a shame but you're doing the right thing venting on her because you know you're being a bit unreasonable. I hope you find a time to re-schedule the weekend

AdalindSchade · 07/01/2018 16:21

Yabu. It's his weekend and he has every right to say he wants to spend her birthday with her.

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 16:21

She works a weird shift pattern. She does have some weekends off but they don't tie up with my free ones till April. We've now booked something else in any case and at least the weather should be milder Grin

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Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 16:22

I agree Adalind... I am BU. Just ranting and sulking Grin

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AnathemaPulsifer · 07/01/2018 16:27

You’ll have a much better time in April, and your DD will get two treats because surely your 3x will do something nice with her for her birthday.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 07/01/2018 16:44

Sorry crosspost re friend’s weekends but most of my comment still stands.
Also - no way would I even ask DD’s Dad not to see her on his scheduled weekend when birthday fell.
For anyone else reading who is not in this predicament yet when setting up contact arrangements, use the calendar on your phone to see when DCs birthday will next fall on a weekend and you can then set contact arrangements accordingly. My DD’s was set up in 2012 when she was 2. Contact order was for alternate weekend and overriding that was alternate birthday and alternate Christmas, so I selected next Christmas (2012) and suggested to him next birthday (2013) knowing that she didn’t have her bday on a weekend until oh look 2018 that has flown by Blush when it falls on a Sunday. She will be 9 and at home with me. Next time it will be on a Saturday by which time she will be 14 so no doubt will want to go out with her friends. Turned out to be pretty much irrelevant in my case because he was only doing it for a narcissistic power trip and can’t be bothered with her so he’s never seen her on her birthday anyway...
Hope this is helpful to some! x

RavingRoo · 07/01/2018 16:45

Easy. Don’t swap with him when he wants it. Turn around is fair play.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 07/01/2018 16:47

Oops DD was 3 in 2012 (2 at the beginning of that year!)

reallyanotherone · 07/01/2018 16:50

*Could your friend rearrange her work to go the weekend before or after?

Is your friend really not free other weekends? Does she work every weekend*

You lot have obviously never worked shifts.

I work 2 weekends out of 3. I can’t take holiday unless a) I have cover and b) it’s not a weekend where no one is allowed to take leave- so that’s any special events like gigs or music/sports events.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/01/2018 16:56

He’s not a bastard but it’s a shame he can’t put her first and let her have a lovely weekend for her birthday.

Barbie222 · 07/01/2018 16:56

!!! at people who say he’s being unreasonable! He’s probably been excited at the one time his dd’s birthday happens to fall on his contact weekend. With the chance of that being 4 in 14 or 1 in 7 he could well be waiting until she’s a mardy teen for it to happen again.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/01/2018 17:01

Why would allowing the child to go to her Mum's on his access weekend be "putting her first"? Some of you are mind boggling.

Original poster
Wanderlust1984 · 07/01/2018 17:11

The only thing that annoys me is that all he's planned is getting her a takeout. I always let him choose which way round we do Christmas (we split the day each year) and I think the other way round I'd have swopped as if I'd have had her she'd have had a full weekend away rather than a pepperoni pizza from the local takeaway... but I'm not pushing it or making demands, just want my unreasonable rant to MNers Grin Gin

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