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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say the in laws should stay only at the weekend?

51 replies

Flippetyflip · 07/01/2018 10:46

So we have recently relocated and have moved away from the in-laws (not on purpose Wink). The in laws were about 1.5hrs away and MIL used to pop and see grandchildren maybe once or twice a month, usually mid week. Sometimes this would even be while both myself and DH were at work, she would pick the oldest up from nursery to spend some time with her.

I struggle with the in laws, despite being with my partner over 10 years we have never really got any closer. We struggle for conversation. I find the time I spend with MIL intense and tiring, she is a very serious, very intellectual woman so doesn't really 'chat'. Over the years I've come to feel that if I can't back up what I'm about to say with some research there's no point in saying it!! I question everything I'm about to say and I guess I've become quieter. I also feel my parenting is judged. (After spending a day with her last year she then dropped off some parenting books because she felt I could avoid some of my two year olds tantrums Angry) She always comes saying she wants to be helpful but I end up making her hot drinks and making her lunch etc. It's even worse with FIL, conversation even more strained and from comments he's made in the past I get the feeling I'm just not their 'type'. Which actually is probably completely right.

Anyway we have now moved 3+hrs away and Im on mat leave expecting no. 3 and therefore at home full time with the kids while DH works. MIL rang to arrange the first visit and DH booked them in mid week for 3-4 days, staying with us, without even asking my views or preferences. He said he thought we might want our weekend to ourselves hence midweek. AIBU to say that I don't want to host his family single handed, while he is out of the house for 10 hours a day. I don't know how my mental health with cope with 3 or 4 days and I'll be running round preparing food for them and clearing up all the mess they create with the kids. (They do not believe in tidiness either!) We've just fallen out about it.

The relationship I have with my in laws makes me sad and I wish there was something I could do to change it. They are great with the kids and I envy those that really get on with their in laws. I dread everything family gathering. After 10 years I'm guessing we're doomed but if anyone has any tips, that would be great!

OP posts:
Arriettyborrower · 07/01/2018 10:50

He thought you might want your weekend to yourselves? I bet he did!
How does he get on with his parents? Does he spend time with them and talk to them?
Either he takes annual leave or he gets on the phone to his mum and switches their visit to the weekend!

Arriettyborrower · 07/01/2018 10:50

Would he normally arrange a visit without discussing it with you first?

gamerchick · 07/01/2018 10:51

Book a hotel and tell him to let you know when they’ve gone?

Tell him he either takes the time off work or he cancels.

Or change the way you deal with them/be more assertive. No running around after them/show them where the kettle is.

lurkingnotlurking · 07/01/2018 10:52

I'd accept the first visit now but make very clear that you will only agree to weekends going forward

Appuskidu · 07/01/2018 10:53

Tell him he either takes the time off work or he cancels.

This! Sounds like he doesn’t want to spend time with them and is fobbing them off on you!

Marcine · 07/01/2018 10:55

Tell him he either needs to book those days off work or move them to the weekend (or cancel).

Marcine · 07/01/2018 10:57

I wouldn't accept this visit - don't set a precedent!

My PiL are perfectly nice people but there is absolutely zero chance I would agree to entertain them for 3-4 days.

Fairylea · 07/01/2018 10:58

Oh hell no. Dh should rearrange for when he’s home and you can suddenly have an all day date with a friend!

ThePinkOcelot · 07/01/2018 10:59

I’d be telling him to either take annual leave or phone back and change the arrangements. No way should this go ahead!

NataliaOsipova · 07/01/2018 11:00

Tell him he either needs to book those days off work or move them to the weekend (or cancel).

Absolutely.....

Sevendown · 07/01/2018 11:01

Sounds like he doesn’t want to spend time with his own parents.

PhilODox · 07/01/2018 11:01

Is he expecting you to host them once you've had the baby? Shock

Original poster
Flippetyflip · 07/01/2018 11:08

Philodox - yes he would expect me to host them after I've had the baby because he and they genuinely think they are helpful!!

When I had baby no.2 MIL came to see oldest and help for the day. I took to my bed with small baby to get some sleep but also to avoid the tense, awkward lack of conversation and when I came downstairs 2hrs later I found her helpfully rearranging my living room. She'd decided that we needed to put some toys in storage and She'd taken everything out of the toy storage in the living room and put everything into plastic bags scattered round the living room. Suggesting this and that could go in the loft etc. When they were actually toys they had just got for Christmas- arrrgh!! I nearly exploded.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 07/01/2018 11:13

As with many posts on here-you sound like you have a DH problem!

Original poster
Flippetyflip · 07/01/2018 11:14

gamerchick ive tried saying please help yourself to any food etc. When it gets to lunchtime MIL will say, oh well what are you having and if I say just a sandwich, she'll say great I'll have the same so I end up having to feed us both! It feels so awkward I don't know the way round it. Feels so rude making food just for myself or the kids. I just wish she'd offer, particularly when she keeps saying, how can i help.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 07/01/2018 11:18

That's sad, your DH has no right to expect you to stay with them for days.

How does that not effect your routine?

To make things easier I would tell DH only when he is there and he is to make their drinks/food etc.
Can you find one thing in common with DMIL? Cooking, crafting? Shows? Something to have as a conversation filler.

NataliaOsipova · 07/01/2018 11:21

I just wish she'd offer, particularly when she keeps saying, how can i help.

But then why don't you suggest that she makes some sandwiches for lunch for everyone? You're right, it is rude to make food for yourself and ignore her, but if she's happy to have what you are, she doesn't sound hugely demanding. She maybe doesn't want to tread on your toes?

meredintofpandiculation · 07/01/2018 11:21

ive tried saying please help yourself to any food etc. When it gets to lunchtime MIL will say, oh well what are you having and if I say just a sandwich, she'll say great I'll have the same so I end up having to feed us both! I Or you could say "Oh that's great, can you make a sandwich for both of us then? There's some bread over there, and some cheese and salad in the fridge..."

OohOohMrPeevly · 07/01/2018 11:21

If you're pregnant you could just say you're feeling lousy and tell them the best and most helpful thing they could do was to take your other children out for a few hours. This will probably suit everyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2018 11:25

I agree to moving it to the weekend. Your dh realises he’s not going to see much of them or whatever bs. Drop them a note explaining you’re not going to be up to doing much. So looking forward to having them over to help out.

Ask them to bring ingredients for a couple of meals they are going to cook for the family. Get a schedule of activities that they could do with your eldest 2. Soft play at the top of the list obvs and anything else that will be hellish for them. Hopefully this will reduce expectations for future visits.

Give them an activity to do to avoid her making decisions on your home. Perhaps they’d appreciate some pointers. Unless they’re incredibly thick skinned, it can’t be easy for them either. Give them instructions about tidying toys away.

Honestly, you don’t get on well with them. I wouldn’t think too hard about offending them. I’m not condoning insults either. But make it realistic and achievable for you. If they can’t change the dates, your dh will have to take the time off work.

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 11:25

He said he thought we might want our weekend to ourselves hence midweek.

Translates as - he wanted the weekend to himself so thought he'd palm his parents off on you, OP.

When it gets to lunchtime MIL will say, oh well what are you having and if I say just a sandwich, she'll say great I'll have the same so I end up having to feed us both!

I'd be tempted to say "Oh, I'm not hungry" and wait to see what she does. You can always reverse it after she's prepared hers and blame the pregnancy for sudden hunger pangs.

Rachel0Greep · 07/01/2018 11:25

YANBU. Nice for DH to have them visiting during the week while he is at work. He needs to be there and to actually do the work involved in catering for his parents, in addition to the everyday stuff.

Dox · 07/01/2018 11:26

I don't think you are doomed, I think you need an honest conversation with her about how you feel.

It sounds to me as though she is extremely clever but not very perceptive or good at reading signals. So spell out what you want.
You need to be more assertive. Say what you want her to do or not do.
Instead of a vague "help yourself to food" say "there is fresh bread and cheese in the fridge would you please make us all some sandwiches.
You say she is great with the kids - how? What is she good at? If she's more relaxed with them than you then you must be both at least partly at fault here.
Please don't give up.

letsdolunch321 · 07/01/2018 11:30

DH needs to go back to them & say an overnight stay will be enough for this visit then once you have baby no 3 they can come again.

lurkingnotlurking · 07/01/2018 11:34

I think the lunch/hot drinks thing sounds frustrating. She might not know how to approach it though - she frustrates you with toy sorting etc and so might feel you prefer waiting on her hand and foot.. uh making her food :)

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