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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say the in laws should stay only at the weekend?

51 replies

Flippetyflip · 07/01/2018 10:46

So we have recently relocated and have moved away from the in-laws (not on purpose ). The in laws were about 1.5hrs away and MIL used to pop and see grandchildren maybe once or twice a month, usually mid week. Sometimes this would even be while both myself and DH were at work, she would pick the oldest up from nursery to spend some time with her.

I struggle with the in laws, despite being with my partner over 10 years we have never really got any closer. We struggle for conversation. I find the time I spend with MIL intense and tiring, she is a very serious, very intellectual woman so doesn't really 'chat'. Over the years I've come to feel that if I can't back up what I'm about to say with some research there's no point in saying it!! I question everything I'm about to say and I guess I've become quieter. I also feel my parenting is judged. (After spending a day with her last year she then dropped off some parenting books because she felt I could avoid some of my two year olds tantrums ) She always comes saying she wants to be helpful but I end up making her hot drinks and making her lunch etc. It's even worse with FIL, conversation even more strained and from comments he's made in the past I get the feeling I'm just not their 'type'. Which actually is probably completely right.

Anyway we have now moved 3+hrs away and Im on mat leave expecting no. 3 and therefore at home full time with the kids while DH works. MIL rang to arrange the first visit and DH booked them in mid week for 3-4 days, staying with us, without even asking my views or preferences. He said he thought we might want our weekend to ourselves hence midweek. AIBU to say that I don't want to host his family single handed, while he is out of the house for 10 hours a day. I don't know how my mental health with cope with 3 or 4 days and I'll be running round preparing food for them and clearing up all the mess they create with the kids. (They do not believe in tidiness either!) We've just fallen out about it.

The relationship I have with my in laws makes me sad and I wish there was something I could do to change it. They are great with the kids and I envy those that really get on with their in laws. I dread everything family gathering. After 10 years I'm guessing we're doomed but if anyone has any tips, that would be great!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/01/2018 11:35

With that sort of distance it probably does need to be 2 nights. What are the train options like?

Due to traffic I would compromise and get them to travel up Saturday morning (early) and back Monday morning...

Yes DH to doing all the hosting prep Friday night etc. Go out for breakfast/brunch with them Monday morning and wave them on their way.

Absolutely tell DH he moves it to over a weekend or not at all

lurkingnotlurking · 07/01/2018 11:35

I'm also switching my original answer to getting it moved.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2018 11:40

I think ILs do find it difficult to “step in” in a DIL’s house. For instance, my MIL, who I get on very well with, would happily sort lunch for her & the DC if she was in charge and I was at work or out of the house, but if I was there she’d never help herself to lunch and would act as your MIL does - I don’t think that’s unusual, actually.

Your DH is unreasonable not to invite them over a weekend, particularly if he knows you struggle with them. Can they move it Friday-Monday, or Thurs-Sunday?

You need a plan - briskly give everyone jobs/options e.g. send them to the supermarket, get them to take small DC to park & cafe while you rest/sort out something you’ve been meaning to do at home, ask them to do something specific e.g. if MIL is into gardening or whatever give her a project that doesn’t bother you but makes her feel busy & useful. If she enjoys researching things ask her opinion on something (again, you don’t need to care, just gives her a job!) or say DC is really into XYZ, please would you look up stuff like craft projects or outings or something.

Basically, busy them on your terms, and absolutely insist your DH is around as much as possible.

Wdigin2this · 07/01/2018 11:47

How dare he, obviously he doesn't want to entertain his parents 24/7, so he arranges for them to stay when he's mostly out of the house!
Tell him, he either takes the time off work, or he rearranges, because if the visit goes ahead as planned....you'll be somewhere else!

Makehaywhilstthesunshines · 07/01/2018 11:50

This could have been written by me, so similar it’s actually scary. Your post has really struck a chord with me. My inlaws are lovely people and we get on okay but I really struggle for conversation and find long periods of time with them completely draining and just not in anyway enjoyable. I wish it were different and we were all best friends but it isn’t and I guess that’s that.

No advice really, though I think I would hit the roof if my husband did that to me and tell him why. I do think men are a bit insensitive/ emotionally ignorant sometimes and just don’t realise when things are a bit awkward etc.

GreenTulips · 07/01/2018 11:56

I think men just like an easy life really - and it wouldn't occur to him that you wouldn't want them there because he likes his nice weekends so he's sorted !

I hope you've told him straight?

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2018 12:42

So have you point-blank refused? Because you should.

And if they come to see you when No3 arrives it must be staying in a hotel not with you.

Do you have visits from your family?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 07/01/2018 12:46

Totally agree with you. Either he rearranges or takes the time off.

And I say that as someone who does host the in laws alone often because we genuinely get on and enjoy each other's company. We share a sense of humour and a similar approach to kids, the home etc and I'm completely relaxed with them. They are also very helpful and take themselves off together when they stay so we aren't in each other's pockets.

imyourgirl · 07/01/2018 12:52

Fuck that.

Un-invite.

CherryMaDeara · 07/01/2018 12:54

They come on the weekend and he is responsible for feeding, hosting and any extra cleaning.

Nip this in the bud now OP.

ATeardropExplodes · 07/01/2018 13:08

MIL rang to arrange the first visit and DH booked them in mid week for 3-4 days

Did you not know you had morphed into a hotel when you moved? You do now.

Definitely stop this now. He takes leave and manages his parents when they visit, or they don't visit. End of.

You'd not book your parents in to visit him for 3-4 days whilst you weren't there would you?

bunbunny · 07/01/2018 13:20

Ring the inlaws yourself, say dh didnt check dates with me and I already have plans (you do - no need to mention they're not entertaining anyone and relaxing on your ml!) but how about coming the weekend of [insert weekend dh is free instead]. If dh complains then tough - you'll ring back and cancel trip and he can rearrange for when he is next home...

GreenTulips · 07/01/2018 13:20

You'd not book your parents in to visit him for 3-4 days whilst you weren't there would you?

Why not return the favour? Ask deaf granny while your at it

rothbury · 07/01/2018 13:32

You definitely need to start as you mean to go on or this will get even worse when new baby arrives.

Tell DH he either changes the dates to the weekend, takes the time off work, or you will book yourself and DC into a hotel and ILS will be at your house on their own.

He is a cheeky bastard!

Squeegle · 07/01/2018 13:43

Agree with all the others- he needs to take those days off. Literally non negotiable. I wouldn’t have dreamed of inviting my parents to stay if I as at work and partner at home looking after kids. He would not have supported me if I did either.

Original poster

Flippetyflip · 07/01/2018 13:55

DH has agreed to change the arrangement but we've had a rather unsuccessful argument conversation about it. He said I was aggressive and so took the hump. Said he just didn't think, that he was on the spot. I might have been a bit quick to get annoyed but this does build on previous arguments where he seems to think it's my duty to host his MIL. When we were closer by, she also only really wanted to visit mid-week when generally he'd be at work and I was at home so she could see the kids as it fit with her plans better. When I said I wouldn't expect him to spend the day with my mum, he always said he'd be happy to which made me feel i was being unreasonable.

Dox she is good with the kids. She once told me she would much rather spend time with children than adults as she struggles to talk to adults. She is aware she can be socially awkward. She doesn't have any friends that im aware of. But she is very assertive. She knows what she wants and she gets it. Whereas I really really struggle with being assertive so yes I am 50% of the problem. I hate myself for not being able to put my foot down or be more honest with my in laws but I fear even more awkwardness. Maybe I need one of those self help books: how to be more assertive and deal with the bloody in laws .

OP posts:

Squeegle · 07/01/2018 14:00

You are obviously a sensitive person and don’t want to cause offence. Sounds like she in particular is less sensitive and doesn’t mind being a bit bulldozerish. I suppose if you know this then you are armed to be a bit bulldozerlike back in the knowledge she is probably a bit less sensitive than normal? I would call your husbands bluff on the question of him looking after your mum for 3-4 days and go away somewhere if you can for a lovely break

RedDogsBeg · 07/01/2018 14:15

I hope you've also agreed that your husband will do the running around after your in-laws as well.

You need a frank conversation about expectations, you also need to tell your husband how you feel about the visits, what is expected of you and how awkward and uncomfortable you feel in the presence of his mother. Keep it factual as you have here and try very hard not to get emotional. If he is a decent person he will take on board what you say and ask his mother to not expect a waitress service and if she wants to help to actually ask what you would like her to do and not unilaterally decide what she thinks you need help with and do it without any reference to you.

An alternative is for you to talk directly to his mother and say the above but I don't think you feel able to do that.

It is your home and you should not feel uncomfortable in it at any time and you should be able to make reasonable requests of those who want to stay there with you.

FundayMorning · 07/01/2018 14:16

She is your mother in law and so for everyone's happiness it seem sensible to try to make the relationship work.

But I fully agree this is your husband's situation not yours. In-law visits should be at the weekend. Unless you are unusually close to them, which you're not. Your DH needs to be responsible for them while they are with you.

But, I do feel a bit out of step with Mumsnet thinking on the hosting part of your complaint: is it really unacceptable for you to make a sandwich and a cup of tea for a guest?

It sounds like she loves your children - this is such a major bonus for you if you can harness it in the right way. She is good with them and wants to be with them. Use it to your advantage - set her up for the day and head out on your own - invent a series of appointments!

My own mother tells me how it can be so much to trickier being a grandparent to your son's children than your daughter's. Mainly because you are afraid of stepping on your DIL's toes. We read it all the time on here.

She can't help being intellectual, it doesn't sound like she puts you down, it's just how she converses. I have friends like that - surely you can just chat about the children instead?

The tidying up thing she got a bit wrong but had good intentions - I'm not sure why you were furious. Maybe she can do nothing right?? I'll admit I do at times feel the same way about my own MIL. It comes from a very primal part of ourselves. We just don't really like other women muscling in on our territoty.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/01/2018 14:31

She knows what she wants and she gets it. Whereas I really really struggle with being assertive so yes I am 50% of the problem.

I certainly don't think YABU, but I think you can make it easier for yourself by just stopping giving a shit. I'm very assertive and a bit awkward- I've had to work really hard to learn how to pussy foot around (what most people would call normal reticence). I find it much easier when people just tell me what they bloody want instead of me having to decipher their meaning.

YOU ring her and rearrange the dates. You shouldn't have to, but it will be good practice.
When they come, tell them what you want doing. Tell them to make lunch; tell them they are taking the kids out for a couple of hours etc. If they don't like it they won't visit as much.

Motoko · 07/01/2018 14:39

When I said I wouldn't expect him to spend the day with my mum, he always said he'd be happy to which made me feel i was being unreasonable.

He might very well be ok with spending the day with your mum, but that's different from expecting you to look after his parents for 3-4 days.

Tistheseason17 · 07/01/2018 14:41

YANBU and glad you spoke to your DH.
If it does get too much then take to your bed again. You can always undo her "helpful" tidying once she's left

Santasbigredbobblehat · 07/01/2018 15:01

He says he’d be ok spending the day with your mother on his own, but I bet he never actually has.

FundayMorning · 07/01/2018 15:12

When they come, tell them what you want doing. Tell them to make lunch; tell them they are taking the kids out for a couple of hours etc. If they don't like it they won't visit as much.

This is why I slightly dread becoming someone's in-laws one day.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/01/2018 15:22

This is why I slightly dread becoming someone's in-laws one day.

Well that wouldn't be my first suggestion for everyone, but OP clearly finds it very hard to spend time with them and communication has been difficult for a long time. By actually articulating what help she needs (they have asked) perhaps things will get easier.

If it turns out they didn't want to help and actually do want to be waited on, then no bad thing if they only come occasionally.

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