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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mental load capacity - aibu

60 replies

Quiddichcup · 07/01/2018 09:05

Just a massive rant. Probably abu.

My brain is full up. I got back from a big holiday a week ago. House is a tip, 10 loads of washing, suitcases out. Stuff in piles to be sorted. Awful jet lag that saw me fall asleep at my desk wednesday.

Lone parent so no one to help and just concentrated on getting through the day. House gets in worse state.
Brain tired.
Brought a car yesterday so spent time doing extra stuff for that, have 2 job interviews next week, same day, 1 hour apart. Both would make a huge impact to my lifestyle if I got them. Need to find an interview outfit and prep like crazy for them.

My mother has 'sold my old car. I wasn't even going to put an ad up till next weekend because I have so much to do this week ( also work 33hrs) my mental load is full up. She just called me lazy and said I'm crap because I don't immediately know where all my old car paperwork is ( I know the general area) and that i should sort myself out.

So. Basically. Am I a lazy cow or is this enough on my plate.

OP posts:

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 09:28

Then ignore the mess! As long as you have enough for a few days until the interview in term of clothes, just let it go.

Concentrate on preparing your interviews. You can always tidy up the house in the evening after your interviews or next weekend. In a month ,you won't even remember if the house was a tip, but you will remember how you perform for your interview.

If mess stresses you out too much, hide it. Dump everything in a room and close the door. You only need enough outfits for you and the kids for a few days. As long as everything is clean anyway, you can always rummage in the pile if you are desperate later this week.

Prioritise. Prep for interviews, not dusting or hoovering.

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 09:30

Cambionom

Patronising? Because someone is overwhelmed by LAUNDRY and nothings? It makes a moquery of what mental load is, and the reason why no one takes it seriously.

RJnomore1 · 07/01/2018 09:31

Acht you're grand op. You're doing what I do and displacing your stress.

So the interviews are main thing. Plus if you can find car papers it makes life easier later. As long as everyone has clean clothes and food washing and cleaning can wait.

JustCallMeJanet · 07/01/2018 09:31

I agree to the 'helpful' mother who simultaneously makes you feel bad. I once (in nearly 50 years of being criticised) just said, well we can't all be perfect.

I find it's easy to become overwhelmed when there's so much to do, and feeling so tired. Can you start with a list OP which prioritises the most important things - interview prep and outfit / or tidying putting away washing if that helps you focus?

and good luck with the interviews.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 07/01/2018 09:35

Laundry and work and children stuff and new car things ( insurance and tax and picking the damn thing up) and jet lag and returning people's suitcases and needing to clean them first and interview prep while being very tired and not thinking straight. And trying to fit in seeing people and the stuff dd needs for school. The back gate that needs fixing as it's somehow broke while we were away and I need to go to the bank. And the bathroom needs a scrub and I need to go to the bank and go good shopping.and I'm at work at 7.45sm tomorrow.

It's lots but I can do it. But I can't do with selling my old car right now because i can't deal with another thing o have to do. That was the point of this post.

OP posts:

snackarella · 07/01/2018 09:37

YANBU sounds stressful, whatever the reason.

People are so mean! You are totally allowed a rant x

blackheartsgirl · 07/01/2018 09:38

I disagree about household chores not being mental load. It is. I have a dp who barely does anything household wise. I work full time and sort EVERYTHING from paperwork to housework. Mental load is less about the actual chores but the added worry and stress of being the only person who does them and worrying about the consequences. For example I’m on a prepayment meter, it needs topping up. Dp will never check them and has left the electric and gas to go off, he then either sits there all day (on his days off, works nights) until I come in and get some or texts me constantly asking how to top it up online. The stuff in the fridge has gone of in the mean time. So now I take responsibility for utilities. I left the mental load to him as an experiment for a couple of months..we got into rent and Council tax arrears and had bailiffs at the door over Unpaid Council tax

NB dp does have some special needs and I have adhd and asd. The stress is immense

Idontdowindows · 07/01/2018 09:47

Yep, tired and overwhelmed just makes it that much more difficult to deal with the mental load that comes with running a household.

Don't let anyone tell you that that doesn't count as mental load. Organising, planning and then executing definitely is.

Any chance your mum can help out a bit? She was a bit quick to sell your car, but at least it's done now and you know you'll get the money from that :)

Bunchofdaffodils · 07/01/2018 09:49

Llangollen
What is mental load then? It’s a new term to me and just assumed it meant a kind of to-do list you have in your head. The more you have to think about/cope with, the more weighed down you feel. Is that wrong?

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/01/2018 09:58

You have got a lot on and being jet lagged and having post holiday blues won’t help.

Write down the todo list and recetegorise it re important / urgent and focus on the important AND urgent ones.

Interview prep. Yes do it.

The bathroom can’t be that bad, there’s only you and DD? Put that off till next week.

Clothes? Just do enough for school and work / interview.

Clean out suitcases? What’s happened in them?!? Shake out any sand and job done.

Bank? If you have to go then you’ll have to go but can you really not do it online or a bit later?

The car paperwork - just find it and get your Mum off your back.

Maybe you could take some steps going forward to have a more organised system re paperwork and also have less stuff and clutter so it’s easier to keep on top of life?

@blackheartsgirl does your DP have significant SEN whilst also being amazing in bed? because that is the only reason I can think of for living with such a useless human being who would sit in the house with no electricity all day.

eurochick · 07/01/2018 10:00

In my experience jet lag will resolve by about a day per hour of time difference and there's nothing you can do to change that. Knowing that has helped me to work out when I should feel back to normal.

For the other stuff, can you make a list and prioritise? I know you want the laundry done but I'm guessing most of it is summery clothes that you don't actually need to wear so that can slip down the list. Prioritise the interview stuff.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 07/01/2018 10:03

I'm usually super organised and have no issues.

Important paperwork is in one place. Just I can't face adding it on yo my list of things to do. Not this week. After the interviews , not a problem.

I need to get everything sorted so I have clear head space to prepare for the interviews. I can't prep when I'm tripping overstuff in the house and the sink is full of washing up and I can't find clean pants.

OP posts:

FloydWasACat · 07/01/2018 10:05

There are some harsh posters today! Call it what you want "mental load", "too much on your plate", "stressed out", whatever. The OP is clearly coming on here to vent and get it out somehow, stop picking up on a phrase to have a go at her, there's no need.

OP, leave the washing, put it somewhere that's out of the way but put things away a bit at a time. Concentrate on preparing for interviews when kids are asleep if possible, breathe

Equimum · 07/01/2018 10:05

YANBU. I know that it can be perceived as inappropriate to be stressed over things that other people cannot afford, but it does happen and it is real. Yes, it is potentially avoidable stress, but when you are in the midst of it, the feelings are the same. As others have said, you need to look at ways of reducing stresses, such as giving yourself a bigger window to sort yourself out after your next holiday, potentially arranging a cleaner, or whatever would help.

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/01/2018 10:06

Ok then have a POWER HOUR and blast through the housework. Can you tidy up the loads of washing so they are in individual bags (bags for life?) and at least much neater rather than piles?

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/01/2018 10:06

YANBU. I know that it can be perceived as inappropriate to be stressed over things that other people cannot afford, but it does happen and it is real

Yeah Brooke get mega stressed with stuff like buying a house but we don’t say ‘well it’s your own fault for buying a house’!

Llangollen · 07/01/2018 10:08

What is mental load then?

it's just the fashionable term to say you are busy (and sometimes an excuse to be disorganised)

house chores is not mental load.
Unless you run an estate and an army of staff maybe?

Booboobooboo84 · 07/01/2018 10:09

How old are your dc can you get them involved in at least getting laundry put away/in the right room?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/01/2018 10:15

You don’t actually have that much to do: it just seems like it because you’re trying to think about it all at the same time while suffering jet lag. For example, finding the paperwork for the old car, if you have everything filed in an organised way like you say will actually only take ten minutes or so but you are wasting much more time than that thinking and worrying about it.

Make a list and work through it methodically, ticking the jobs off as you do them.

blackheartsgirl · 07/01/2018 10:20

If I kicked him out I would not be able to work full time in the job I do, he does the school runs as I start at half six in the morning and don’t finish until half four. He was a lot better when he didn’t do nights tbh but this is the first job he’s stuck at, been there five years and he’s proud of this so I’m not asking him to change his job

He has a lot of problems which are not for this thread and I’m not kicking him out because that would trigger a universal credit claim and I’m not willing to do that, that would further double my stress.

I know things could be better but I have no extended family that can help with school runs five days a week and he is pretty good if I ever need a day to myself or want to go out with friends, he did his fair share of nightfeeds and nappy changes when the kids were little and he’s been a great stepdad to my older dc,

WellThisIsShit · 07/01/2018 10:22

Lots of sympathy

I find it rather irritating when posters do this knee jerk ‘if you only have THAT to worry about...’ type of reaction. They don’t understand that it’s not the laundry that’s the sole issue in a life of ease and plenty, it’s just that the laundry has buried you, its finished you off! It’s the laundry on top of all the other things that.

I could write your post in that it’s the school letters and random late notice requests, as well as yes, laundry piling up, that will get me on the point of tears. So I could sound like some have decided you sound like. But I’m seriously ill, very disabled and a single mother with no support network, who’s had to finally give up working as too ill and basically really really struggling right now. But it’s the little things that will tip me over the edge, & it’s the little things that you’ll hear me whine about.

Whining about laundry is Not a sign that someone doesn’t have anything else to worry about.

thecatsthecats · 07/01/2018 10:25

Hey, I get it. I've had two weeks off, no jet lag, but away from the home, laundry piled up. Been in and out of the house long enough to make it messier but not to clean it. This would be a great weekend to sort it, but we had a wedding, so no can do.

I find a combination of taking one thing at a time and lowering my standards helps.

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/01/2018 10:26

@blackheartsgirl glad he is good with the kids and does help you in some ways :-)

Timeforabiscuit · 07/01/2018 10:28

You have alot going on and you're tired!

I would have a careful think of what you must do and what you should do - so washing can be shoved to the side with only essentials done, the cleaning isnt a must, quick prep food for this week while you focus on interviews.

Car doesnt need to be sold, so tell your mum to pull the ad.

You are not lazy, interviews and single parenthood are tough enough!

blackheartsgirl · 07/01/2018 10:28

Llangollen maybe you are super smug or what or just don’t get it but household chores are mental load because I am the only one who does it. If I didn’t my whole house would fall apart. It’s the responsibility of it all. If I just had to flick a duster or did 1 load of washing a week I’d see your point but I have 4dc and 2 step, work full time, also have adhd and asd and a ds also with adhd and asd who is now going to be a dad in 7 months time and is clueless himself so I’m having to help sort his and gf housing out, this is all adding to my mental load.

A few household chores isn’t mental load but when you tie it in with everything else that’s thrown at you it’s all part of the problem

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