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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be offended?

64 replies

esk1mo · 06/01/2018 23:18

if your MIL got you a (nice) christmas present for £4, while spoiling her son with gifts?

or is the gift recipient being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 06/01/2018 23:49

Is that the sort of gift your MiL usually gives you?

Adrianflank · 06/01/2018 23:50

My mum spent alot more on my girlfriend, than she did on me, I don't mind, apparently she is easier to buy for lol

thenettyprofessor · 06/01/2018 23:51

you said it is nice. If I like it I buy it whether £1 or £1k consider is it nice or is there something else bothering you?

overduemamma · 07/01/2018 00:06

If it makes you feel any better my MIL bought some PJ's and slippers that don't fit (after already been told my shoe size) also hasn't offered to take my small slippers back for me and didn't leave a receipt.. we didn't get them until new year as that's when she got paid! After thought or what!! X

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2018 00:07

I'd resent it if it were a new thing since your 'troubles'. But if she's always done that, then no, I wouldn't.

If it IS a new thing, I'd be concerned that your DH has said something to her, either about you or about his feelings about your marriage lasting.

Original poster

esk1mo · 07/01/2018 00:09

mxyz yes to be honest, its sort of what id class as cheap and pointless. sounds harsh but its the sort of thing you open and think where on earth did they get the impression id want this?

after 6 years buying me a huge bar of my favourite chocolate, or a 2nd hand book by my favourite author, or a cute plant (because she has been in my house and seen my plant collection) - that has thought and shows she appreciates me, if the budget was £4. but she spent way more on DP, so i know it isnt a cash issue.

she is nice to me, so it isnt passive agressive gift giving (i hope)

OP posts:

Original poster

esk1mo · 07/01/2018 00:11

across it isnt new, last year was similar. the gifts have gotten smaller and cheaper over the years.

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 07/01/2018 00:13

yes to be honest, its sort of what id class as cheap and pointless. sounds harsh but its the sort of thing you open and think where on earth did they get the impression id want this?

In your first post you said it was my nice. That's a turn around

Original poster

esk1mo · 07/01/2018 00:16

nice as in not offensive, extra weird or passive-aggressive. like bin bags or shoe polish. or nuts when you are allergic.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2018 00:16

Well, then perhaps you should do the same and start 'downsizing'. If your H wants his mother to have nice, thoughtful gifts then he can do the shopping, the paying, and the wrapping.

BigBaboonBum · 07/01/2018 00:19

I really wouldn’t care. I think the whole point of gifting is lost when people are acting entitled to something above a certain standard anyway

WhatIWant · 07/01/2018 00:19

I only ever get a token gift if anything for my kids partners while I buy lots of gifts for my kids. It would not want to buy lavish gifts for them even though they are all lovely. I'm generous with other things during the year that benefit the partners, I'll buy things for their houses, do the odd big online grocery shop or let them have flights from my airmiles.

I'm confident they all think I'm nice! I like my kids partners but ithey have their own parents to buy them lavish personal gifts.

If my kids partners were visiting for Christmas o might give more of a joint present that they could both enjoy but I'd still give separate gifts to my child.
OP, I think YABU. The fact your partner gave you a hard time is nothing to do with his Mum and the fact your DH gets lots of gifts from your parents is nothing to do with it either.

Having said that a £4 candle is a bit crap.

AbbieLexie · 07/01/2018 00:20

It would help me acknowledge my place in the family. I would then step back.

SnapesTears · 07/01/2018 00:32

I don’t believe everyone saying they wouldn’t care. I would care. I would be hurt. It’s not the monetary value it’s the fact that no thought went into it. It says ‘you don’t mean much to me.’

Gift giving, however small or inexpensive, should surely be a token that expresses a genuine feeling of love/affection/appreciation?

WhatIWant · 07/01/2018 00:40

Snapes. Honest I genuinely don't mind with my MIL. In fact I prefer it as it means xmas and present giving is nice and relaxed all round. My MIL is really nice but I'm not her daughter or son.

I'm sure my DCs partners don't mind either.

Some families just aren't into the deep meaningful importance of gift giving. It doesn't mean we don't care for one another.

Also, I already struggle finding nice presents for my four kids ...I don't want to have to buy another 4 lots of presents .

Original poster

esk1mo · 07/01/2018 00:47

what wouldnt it be easier to buy two similar, equal gifts or a joint gift for DC + partner?

my parents do this, perfume/aftershave for me + DP and a bottle of something to share. that way im not getting loads more than he is. we’re adults so we dont need to be lavished with multiple gifts.

DPs aunt got us each personalized hampers full of goodies, specific to our tastes/dietary requirements. to me thats thoughtful and equal.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 07/01/2018 00:48

Have you worked through everything with your DP? It sounds as though the effects of that period are still hanging over you.

angieloumc · 07/01/2018 00:51

But your not her child, he is.
Your parents do it one way, she does it another. Neither are wrong.

lalalalyra · 07/01/2018 00:55

I think it doesn't matter as long as it's equal across the board.

So if she's got several DIL's and lavishes 3 out of 4 with gifts, but gives one nothing then it's not on. If she spends more on all her children and little on all their partners then that's obviously just the way she does things.

Original poster

esk1mo · 07/01/2018 00:59

buttery i have with my DP, but it will always be in the back of my mind how much effort it took for them to notice their sons self-destructive behaviour.

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 07/01/2018 01:06

we’re adults so we dont need to be lavished with multiple gifts

This

Lashalicious · 07/01/2018 01:12

I think she doesn’t like you and let it be known in her gift. I have evil in laws and they would do this all the time, actually it was the least of what they did. Buy my dh an expensive gift and me a chocolate bar. It was such a big difference between our gifts that it was embarrassing. A plain old chocolate bar from the grocery store. I like chocolate and that was the cleverness of their gift. “I know you love chocolate!” Big grin. One year I received mixing bowls for Christmas with Halloween decals on them. I guess they found them in the bargain aisles. I thanked them and used them, but on top of everything else they’ve done, I got the message.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/01/2018 01:18

I buy candles from primark and tk maxx and primary candles are really good fwiw
If they candle had been jo malone would that have made it better?is it the amount spent or that it’s candle?

ChristinaParsons · 07/01/2018 01:20

My MIL bought me a towel for Christmas one year. I’m totally outed now as I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who has ever received a towel for Christmas

Boulshired · 07/01/2018 01:25

Not sure how they can become involved in his behaviour, he is an adult in a long term relationship. He was self destructing, if they had of became involved would he have stopped?
My mum always spent more on me than DP, his mum sends a family cheque for us all. Different people do different things.

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