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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel devastated my 8 year old has hurt herself deliberately?

39 replies

Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 21:57

It's just started this holiday. When trying to do something tricky, like piano, she has deliberately scratched her face or bashed her elbow. It's been three times.

We have had a big talk tonight and if it persists I will head to the GP

I feel so worried. We are a loving and open family. I am a relatively relaxed and non pushy parent. We have had a terrible year and my husband has been shouty, and impatient and I have struggled and possibly by been giving as much attention as she needs. She is (or so I thought) my independent and resilient child.

I'm really struggling myself at the moment in coping with my depressed husband.

We have had no problems at school, she is bright and seems well adjusted and confident, and has friends.

I just feel really sad.

OP posts:
BigBaboonBum · 06/01/2018 22:00

I’m so incredibly sorry Flowers . The best thing you can do is love her fiercely and tell her you are there for her 100% of the time. You already are I’m sure, but sometimes we all need to hear it. Create time where you two just talk about your days and things that bother you - you go first to start with, talk about your day and maybe somebody who upset you at work or at the supermarket. Just get in the habit of sharing and listening and hopefully she will open up and it will help her

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/01/2018 22:04

((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))). I'd be booking an appointment with her GP first thing Monday morning . I wouldn't be waiting until it happens again.

Something is clearly wrong, op. You say there's no problems in school. You can't be 110% without a shadow of a doubt certain about that .
You say your dh has depression. I don't want to frighten you but it can be hereditary.

grumpy4squash · 06/01/2018 22:05

Is the piano her choice or your choice?

KateGrey · 06/01/2018 22:07

I started off like this at 11. I couldn’t do my maths homework so I scratched my arm with a compass. It escalated within a few months when I found my days razor blades. This isn’t a healthy way to express emotions and she needs with your help to find a safe way to express herself. Her emotions maybe too big or she can’t explain why but she needs another outlet.

TooManyPaws · 06/01/2018 22:15

I started at much the same age and it was over thirty years before I stopped self harming. My father was also impatient and shouty as well as being depressed.

Get her some help ASAP. She's struggling with emotions and feelings, and how to express them. Self harm is a way of coping with huge feelings. It may be depression, or it may be a mixture of family dynamics and incipient teenage hormones all over the place. Whatever it is, she needs your support.

Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 22:16

There is a troubled child st school who has been bullying my DD and her friends. It seems mild and my DD speaks to me about it but I'm wondering if it's more.

DH is depressed as he is bereaved. His behaviour is angry and sad and impatient. It's making me depressed so I'm not surprised. I just spoke to him about DD and he reacted by saying he was doing his best. He struggles to look st his own behaviour.

I think I will speak to school.

Piano? It is my piano and I suggested it but if it is making her stressed I will stop. She seems to enjoy it.

kate I'm really sorry. Did you get help early on and did it help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 22:18

big we had a wonderful and happy chat tonight and I feel she is much more settled. This makes me more guilty asthe last month I haven't been doing enough of this as I'm struggling myself.

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 06/01/2018 22:19

Good advice above.
A visit to the GP if it persists is a good plan.
Could she see a counsellor at school, or is there some kind of emotional literacy / communication skills group? Is there a trusted adult - teacher, piano teacher, friend of yours, aunt etc... who she could talk to? If the Flowersfamily dynamics have been difficult with shouty snappy dad and you taking care of him, she might find it easier to open up to someone outside the family.
Being the independent, strong one in the family is difficult.
If piano is stressing her it's worth looking at that, although I know you're just using it as an example - sounds like she might needit to be kept fun and low - key.
There are some great books for kids on dealing with their emotions etc, worth a try.

Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 22:23

broken thanks - that is very helpful. I think I label her as independent which hasn't helped. She has younger siblings.

I think the books are a great idea.

I had a horribly stressful childhood and picked the skin on my feet until they bled. I still pick my fingers till they bleed. I suspect there is a genetic component. I haven't self harmed though. But on the plus side, I am quite in tune with emotions and have a number of techniques that help me like yoga. But I know kids are different and I don't want to balls this up.

I am terribly upset that this is the start of a pattern of behaviour

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/01/2018 22:27

There is no such thing as mild bullying, Wormy.

TooManyPaws · 06/01/2018 22:29

To be honest, I don't really see much harm difference between you picking your fingers till they bleed and what you seem to think of as self-harm. A razor is just a tool. Your daughter is scratching and banging; you are picking.

As your husband seems to be at the centre of the family problems, is he getting help? It shouldn't be just up to you to support him. And, as an adult, he should be getting help rather than allowing his children to suffer from it.

How are the younger children doing? Any changes in their behaviour?

dottycat123 · 06/01/2018 22:35

Don't make too many excuses for dh, he has responsibility to his family and to take steps to accept any help/treatment offered.

Bluetrews25 · 06/01/2018 22:35

Slightly off point, but can you make 'games' of doing things wrong? Make it fun and funny? So she learns mistakes are ok?
Deliberately play the wrong note kind of thing, or draw something and make a squiggle on the page, or deliberate spelling mistake on the shopping list.....depends what kind of activities you can do together....anything to spoil the perfectionist thing, in case some of this is behind the self harm (often is, IME) Making a mistake can be the straw that breaks the camel's back which can trigger the need to DSH (deliberate self harm). This may not be the case with your daughter, OP, but the pattern is known - mistakes lead to emotions that can't be processed, therefore DSH follows as a faulty coping mechanism.
The less she wants to do this, the more important it is to do it!
Hope you can make some progress. Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 06/01/2018 22:38

Or you could advise less damaging DSH methods - hold onto an ice cube or snap an elastic band on the wrist, or draw a red pen line on the skin....

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 06/01/2018 22:39

I'm so sorry. I was devastated when my DC school called me in to tell me DC was self harming. I agree with a pp above, that self harming can take on any form, and picking until you bleed would be classed as self harm. First step is the GP, for a Camhs referral. Second step is the school, to discuss the bullying. I'm hoping I've caught my DC in time with the help and support that has been put in place. Hand hold for you xx

clopper · 06/01/2018 22:41

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144?tag=mumsnetforum-21
I found this book very helpful for my DD. There is a series of books about different things like controlling anger, anxiety and compulsive behaviours.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 06/01/2018 22:44

She’s doing it openly, obviously and immediately. I’m no psychiatrist but I’d take some heart from that, she is not hiding her frustration and is not storing up emotions to harm herself in her bedroom.

Not that this means ignore it, the opposite. I’d use it as the perfect excuse to give her attention. Talk about the emotion of frustration, how to cope, listen to her, joke if you must say it’s perfectly fine to cry out ‘this is sooo frustrating!’ And to get up, walk around, stomp her feet. Sympathise with her frustration and say it’s very normal to feel like this. Piano playing is hard!

You could take her for a relaxing treat instead. Listen to her. Give her time. Tell her direct that you can totally understand the feeling of wanting to bang her elbow / scratch. But that you love her and part of loving yourself is not hurting yourself. But that there are lots of ways to get out that emotion.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 06/01/2018 22:49

P.s. you do sound very worried, please try not to pass this on to your daughter. Emotions are fine! Give the sense it’s really ok, just picking better ways of getting it out. If you over pounce and focus on her actions, rather than what practical, positive and healthy ways you can cope, there could be a danger of hyping her up and frightening her.

Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 22:56

You are all very helpful and I'm very grateful.

Lots of great points. I have realised with absolute clarity, now, that the issue is my DH. I am picking my feet this last month till they bleed. DH constantly finds fault. DD mentioned this same aspect to me tonight.

I think DH needs a counsellor for his and anger and I need to get him to see this.

I am very close to my DD and need to use that now to support her. I have tried not to let her see I'm worried. It is true she has done it so I can see it - that is a great point. I think this is her crying for more help.

The book looks great.

Thanks - hugely grateful for advice here.

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 06/01/2018 23:02

Sorry, but picking your feet till you bleed is a form of self injury. I think you need to work through why you do that too.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 06/01/2018 23:03

Well you sound lovely OP, time to look after you and DD now, leave DH to fail sometimes on his own, he may need to reach a low point before he starts managing himself. Strengthen yourself, have fun! As in, go out with DD regularly and do some fun and silly things and laugh.

She’ll learn so much from you modeling how to keep going.

Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 23:04

blue your post was spot on. She gets upset when she makes mistakes. I can honestly say I don't believe this is from me - she is naturally like this. I suspect the piano possibly isn't ideal right now as it's hard and mistakes just happen. I need to think about that.

Your ideas are really good. I think I will try them out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 23:07

Thanks autumn I feel guilty and sad tonight so tired comments are kind. We used to go to the cinema or watch DVDs and has done that less. I'm going to make plans!

designed you are right. My own childhood was awful and I developed anxiety. I have hugely progressed but the last few months it's kicked off for me too. The house is so tense. I'm too ashamed to admit publicly that I am in pain when I walk due to the picks on my feet. I know this isn't normal.

OP posts:
Newyearnewyew · 06/01/2018 23:35

Goodness yes stop piano instantly. Who cares about it!! Stop everything that's upsetting her read riot act to your husband, get to bottom of school and totally change things for a while to break the rut your all in. Can you afford a weekend Away just the two of you? Or somewhere really exciting like theme Park?

Original poster
Wormysquirmy · 06/01/2018 23:44

DD told me I'm too soft with DH. I am known as being feisty but I just bite my lip with him. (He is very highly strung).

But he has a demanding job and is bereaved and so I have been cutting slack. Plus I try to minimise fights in front of the kids.

I can take her away for the weekend. Definitely. She would love it

OP posts: