To feel devastated my 8 year old has hurt herself deliberately?

[Wormysquirmy]

It's just started this holiday. When trying to do something tricky, like piano, she has deliberately scratched her face or bashed her elbow. It's been three times.

We have had a big talk tonight and if it persists I will head to the GP

I feel so worried. We are a loving and open family. I am a relatively relaxed and non pushy parent. We have had a terrible year and my husband has been shouty, and impatient and I have struggled and possibly by been giving as much attention as she needs. She is (or so I thought) my independent and resilient child.

I'm really struggling myself at the moment in coping with my depressed husband.

We have had no problems at school, she is bright and seems well adjusted and confident, and has friends.

I just feel really sad.

Okay, a small theory on how kids cope. They have 3 main environments: home, school, social. Depending on family set up, the first of these can be split, and the 3rd can be more dependent upon home, or on school, or on say clubs.

If one of the home/school/social areas has become stressful, but the other 2 are stable, then most children cope. If two become stressful, an increasing number struggle to cope. If all three become stressful, most struggle to cope.

So, home life has become stressful. Her dad is bereaved (presume therefore that she has been bereaved too) and possibly depressed, certainly acting differently. And her mum is stressed out by this. And she's trying to be the strong coper.

School life has become stressful. Bullying is amazingly insidious.

We don't know about social life...though a bit worried that she is being stressed by an extracurricular activity, which could be a bad sign about that one.

The self harming may seem low level, but she's pretty young for it. She's trying to cope with stress. She's crying out for help. Partly she could do with some help coping with stress. But mainly she needs her environments to be stressing her less.

It's spot on nocool. I have struggled since summer as work and home have been hellish (so two out your three).

Her friends are good - but the bullying issue I think relates to this group of friends. I think it's maybe troubled her more than she has said.

Plus her rock at home is me and I am falling apart and she senses that.

I thought all night about she and i getting help until I realised the one who needs help is the one making life at home so stressful. And I need to speak to school to understand what is going on.

And I thought the hardest part of parenting was night feeds...

On the plus side...you've realised that this is a cry for help. And you're trying to get help for the things that are stressing her, not just expecting her to find a way to cope. Which sounds a pretty good start. So easy not to see the wood for the trees, and you are trying to see both. Good luck.

In case you didn't know, skin picking is a type of trichotillomania. Trich is often used to mean compulsive hair pulling but also covers compulsive skin picking. It's often a response to stress. CBT can reduce the trich symptoms and help you cope better. It teaches you how to manage your stress when you are in the here-and-now mentality of needing to pick.
I had CBT for my trich last year and it helped enormously. My trich is also a form of self harm. Trich is also hugely common so don't feel ashamed of it.

I agree with taking your daughter to the GP.

Advice I was given from Cahms when my young dd started self harming was hard but so helpful and 7 years on she's not done it since (14 yo currently). I had to sit with her while she self harmed (she would bang her head against the wall hard and scratch her arms and tip her bed over with everything on the floor in a broken heap). Incredibly tough thing to do. I wasn't to try to stop her but be there with her while she did these things. He said it was a huge sign of trust for dd to allow me to be there and to recognise her feelings. Thankfully it stopped after only a couple more times and she opened up about what was happening in her life. (Ex was manipulating her and playing mental games. She was so angry and frustrated. She chose to be NC with him and is now a feisty, mature and thoughtful young adult). You sound very capable and loving and you will get her through this. Tbf her father sounds a bit of an arse and needs to grow up and stop impacting his moods on his family.

Go to the GP to discuss this (you don’t need to take her with you). This is not a one off but an insight into how her mind works. My son started showing signs of OCD at that age - therapist said it’s the age children realise they are part of a bigger world and they have less control. Being a loving family is not part of it (unfortunately), by doing these things she is not expressing her emotions in a healthy way - but this can be easily solved by a professional helping her to identify triggers and teaching her what to do. Amazon also sell some great workbooks to read and work through with children at that age if you would prefer to help her at home.

Watch out with the piano playing. PPs are saying stop stop stop but it might be a big emotional outlet for her. It was for me, despite being massively frustrating at times (and I self harmed also). Your DD may not be able to articulate that either.

Do take your DD to the GP and get your DH to get some help. It’s really great that you’re trying to help her. Your DH needs to understand how his behaviour is affecting you all and you need to protect your DCs

Good luck OP.

Thanks... great tips...

The piano she does enjoy and the reason I'm reluctant to bin it is because of how much music has helped me. Even now, it's what I turn to when the world is a horrible place to be. But the moment piano is a stressor for her is when I need to think again.

Any recommendations for specific workbooks? I have bought the text book recommended above.

My own skin picking flares when I'm hugely anxious. I guess if it is a kind of self harm it fits in but I had a horrific childhood and don't remember doing it then.

DH is struggling but I just am not finding his reaction helpful. He thinks it's not a big deal and DD's recent behaviour generally (which has been difficult) is badness rather than the cry for attention I see. I'm very worried he will ignore her.

I wonder if I have married a very difficult and cold man

Dd has some struggles last school year that led to her hurting herself. She's now 10 and much more settled. Part of her reason was the teacher's approach to discipline clashing with her own anxiety/perfectionism and high standards for herself. She's also very independent with 2 younger sisters (twins) who are fairly all consuming.

2 things we did:

1. Bed time relaxation and chat together - controlled breathing etc
2. A note book that she could write in and leave outside her bedroom door so we could read it without her having to tell us face to face any worries. We'd then discuss the following morning/evening depending on what it is.

Plus lots of reassurance.

This year she's not writing us anything but is far more open chatting to us. I think part of this is maturity, different teacher and she finally believes that although Dh and I are busy, she comes above work when she needs us to. It's a work in progress though.

My resilient child is also my most sensitive. And he's the one most like myself (self-harmed at 15. Ongoing mild anxiety since adolescence). I'd be cautious of making a big deal of it by going to the gp, but do what you feel you have to do. Maybe you can help to find her a different outlet like a physical sport or something like krav maga?

Some really good tips on here. The one thing I picked up on is the elastic band around the wrist. Also, op, I noticed you said that music/piano was a good outlet for you. This may not be the case for your DD. ...what helped you, would not necessarily help her. This is by no means a criticism, trust me, I know what you're going through. We just need to find our own coping strategy

That's a fair point re the music. I assume DD is very like me but my music never stressed me out.

Today has been hugely better. Her behaviours has been back to normal so DH is less shouty. I feel my spending more quality time is half the battle.

I am finding a counsellor for DH and will speak tonight about him going.

lurking that is fascinating actually. Do you think these children appear more resilient and thus we label them so but perhaps they bottle more up? One of my more sensitive children dissolves into tears in a second but maybe this releases the emotions? Maybe it's more resilient! How is your anxiety? You sound similar to me

I think in my son's case he has never had the big emotions on the outside. Of course he loses his calm occasionally but nothing like my second child. What he does is gets disappointed easily rather than angry. Get angry, let it out. Get disappointed and maybe it all goes inside. That's how it seems to me. My anxiety isn't too bad, thanks, although I am run off my feet with three young children. But I also have a lot of things in my favour, without which I think I would be a lot worse. Xx

A really good book is Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky.
It's the CBT workbook I used on the course I did and is suitable for therapists and clients.