To feel bitter and lonely - DH has left me

[Tazmum01]

Trying not to drip feed, so here goes.
My DH walked out on me mid December after a shitty shitty year. I've been off work with depression/anxiety since September and he finally decided that he didn't want to 'handle all this shit' anymore.
He came home a couple of days before Christmas, moving all his stuff back and we talked loads and decided that we would both give it 100% and try to save our marriage. First couple of days were great, but his heart wasn't in it and I knew it was a matter of time before he left again, despite what he was saying.
I honestly gave it my all, enthusiasm for us and the kids, running round like a blue arsed fly trying to make him and kids happy. Maybe I tried too hard?
He left me again earlier this week, this time for good and I'm heartbroken. I can't eat or sleep and feel like all my recovery from my black time is out of the window. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got no friends to talk to, don't want to tell my parents (can't handle their judgement, especially from my mother)
The bottom line is I don't know what to do, where to turn and he won't answer calls or messages except with a thumbs up or one word answer.
I know it's over for him, but I'm so lost.
I feel like he's made a fool out of me, did he just want company over the holiday?
I really need help to stay strong. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face for the kids, but I'm struggling.

Please, please any positive comments or words of wisdom will be gratefully received. Tell me how you coped if you went through anything similar. I really need help.
I know I put him through hell this last year, but I'm now on medication, going to a group and trying to help myself recover from all of this. I just feel deserted when I'm finally on the way back up to the old me.

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible grief you're experiencing.

If it helps then get to docs and discuss if there's something you can take to help you.

And never ever ever take him back again. Forget other people's reactions. If they judge then they're arseholes that you don't need.

Time will heal this

Sorry just saw you're on medication.

Do you take anything to help you sleep? That might give you a rest

Take it a minute and then half a day at a time. Be selfis and th8nk only of why you need and what helps you make you feel better.

Block him on EVERYTHING, time heals but only if that time is your time

You poor thing.

Have you thought about posting in Relationships - lots of good advice there from people who have been through this and are now doing well.

Thank you so much eastwest, I know the risk of posting anything on here, you are bound to get good and bad responses, but I am so desperate. My kids seem to be having sleepovers at their friends more and more and I feel deserted by them too. Maybe they don't want to be around me and see me upset? I'm struggling to hide my emotions. GP started me on meds back in September, but things have got much much worse since all this happened.

Ffs this new iPad update!

Be selfish and think only of what you need.

How old are the children? Focus on achieving something positive every day. It doesn't matter how small - if you can think of ONE tiny thing you've achieved that day as you go to bed it is enough. It will get better - and you will discover one day that you are happier without him and that life is good, so hang on in there. I wrote myself lists of things to do - and I started each list with 2 or 3 things I'd already done so that I could immediately cross them off. Seriously - even if you write:-

1. Get up
2. Get dressed.
3. Put washing load on.

And then a list of things you never manage. At least you can feel that you crossed some things off your list. Don't text/call him - it will make you feel worse. Good luck.

Thank you Dailymail and deadgood.
I got myself a new book and have been trying to stay positive making lists. Keeping a daily diary, three positive things every day, problems I'm having and how to resolve them. I've thrown myself in to the gym. I've made a playlist of lively music that I play when I feel anxious.
I made a list of all his bad points, all the things I miss about him and then reasons why I can carry on without them.
I feel sad without him, but feel worse when I've seen him. He's been today to collect the last of his things and I've been sobbing ever since. I hate my kids seeing me this way.

Thank you bless. I know it's going to be worse when kids go back to school and college, I've got a 16, 11 and 9 year old.
I made a huge list of jobs to do in the house and I'm working through it. Started back in December, but redid it when he left again. Good advice, thank you.

I've posted this on relationships too, thanks for that, DeadGood x

It's good you are going to a group. that will help. And take each day or even hour at a time. Don't overstress with the house repairs. Small steps. Hope things improve soon

Thank you Viviennemary, it feels good just to see things written down. I wrote him a long letter earlier and sent it via messenger. I can see that he's opened it, but no response (didn't expect one) but just getting out my frustrations and saying the things I've not been allowed to say made me feel slightly better.

Have you considered that he is causing your anxiety and whilst this is difficult, now that he's gone for good and you can start to get on with life you might actually realise you're strong and can cope.

This will get better, I promise. The mind is like any part of the body; it can get damaged, break down, and needs time to heal. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t attempt a marathon 6 weeks later. You would take baby steps, one at a time, knowing that by taking things slowly you were giving yourself the best chance to recover long term. Having your mind injured is just the same. You need to take this hour by hour; and you will get there. Wishing you strength xx

Sounds cheesy but when times are bad I remind myself that “this too shall pass”. Just a reminder that when at rock bottom, things will eventually get brighter. Sometimes all you can do is hold on an wait for it to happen.

You can do this. It will be ok eventually.

The other day I saw a poster on here somewhere say, “you are the architect of your own happiness”. For some reason that has really stayed with me. That I don’t have to just avoid the bad. That I can actually create my own happiness. Something I’m going to try this year and perhaps something for you to try too.

You’re on the right path. It will get brighter. Just hold on until it does

I'm really sorry to read your post, Tazmum, it's such a cowardly way to end a relationship and you were owed so much more than this.

From my own experience, similar to yours but a long time ago now - he left because he wanted to 'try the single life' and came back to see if I was 'sorry enough'. I wasn't and threw him out but it was easier for me, I didn't have kids then.

The only thing I can suggest is that you now take the actions needed to end your marriage so that HE is wrongfooted. Once you have all your paperwork stashed in a place only you know of, file for divorce. There's no going back from this because what's to stop him walking out and walking back in whenever the mood takes him. You deserve - and will get - so much better.

Hand hold for you though, I'm so sorry.

I didn't at first, but he had certainly dragged me down since he came back over Christmas. He lost his mum this last year and also turned 50, maybe that has something to do with it? I split with my childrens father years ago when I was 6 months pregnant with my youngest, I didn't think anything would be as hard as that, but I truly love and adore this man and for him to turn his back on me is breaking my heart.
Common sense tells me that this pain won't last forever, but when it comes to matters of the heart all sense seems to go out of the window.

OP I am so sorry to hear your story and yes you must take control.

"funnily" enough I logged on because my marriage is over too (definitely after tonight) and I don't know how to cope either.

Perhaps we both need to be "architects of our own happiness"

hurts though and my God does it hurt - good luck and take control.

Tazmum I'm sorry your husband has chosen to desert you right now, how incredibly hard. You sound like a survivor and you will get through this. You've already taken so many positive steps towards getting better, and although they don't all work like magic straight away, they will eventually bring you up again and you will feel better. It takes a while, and with this set-back it may take longer, but it sounds like you would have been treading on egg-shells anyway waiting uncertainly for this to happen- now it has, you are at rock bottom and you can build up.

I know it can seem a bit like your children are abandoning you- but they aren't and it's great that they have lots of friends/supportive people around them- it's not because there's anything wrong with you, but we all need the most we can have in terms of support and I would try to see their friendships like that rather than as a loss.

Buxton, thank you so much for that. Kind words are what I need right now. They make me cry, but it's lovely to read.

You poor thing. Breaking up is crap, especially if you don’t want to, and you had your expectations raised before Christmas.

If it’s any consolation it doesn’t sound like he gave it 100% at all, two weeks is nothing. Also, he sounds as if gave up easy. You really do need someone who will stick with you through hard times as well as good.

I’ve split from my DP, on and off it was last year, his decision, but now I feel actually fine. So it does get clearer.

Oh dear OP, your pain comes across all too clearly. Sending you strength.

If you can manage it, subscribe (free I think) to Tara Brach podcasts. Sometimes it’s a short talk, sometimes a guided meditation.

She teaches about anxiety, reframing your negative thoughts and (best of all) how to have profound compassion for yourself. If you are as low on real life support as you say, you may need to build compassion from within. It sounds a little hippy or cray cray, I know, but if you stick with it and practice it can be revolutionary.

Best to you.

Ermmm6, just reading 'you can do this' put hope into my heart. Thank you so much xxx

Please stop contacting him. All you're doing is pouring salt in your open wound. I hate to sound cruel, but he's checked out. There are no 'magic words' that will bring him back. I know. I've been there and tried. It doesn't work.

The best thing you can do now is to see your GP regarding your meds to be sure that they're the correct ones and dosages to help you through this period of emotional turmoil. Then, get a referral for counseling. Having a professional, dispassionate shoulder to lean on can be invaluable, especially if you aren't ready to tell others in rl.

It will get better in time. Trite but true. Don’t know what to say really, but you will be ok, you will get through and you will get over him, you might not believe it right now, but you will.

One day at a time. Look after yourself and indulge yourself.

Are you in a position to book a holiday for you and the kids, something to look forward to?