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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bitter and lonely - DH has left me

58 replies

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 21:12

Trying not to drip feed, so here goes.
My DH walked out on me mid December after a shitty shitty year. I've been off work with depression/anxiety since September and he finally decided that he didn't want to 'handle all this shit' anymore.
He came home a couple of days before Christmas, moving all his stuff back and we talked loads and decided that we would both give it 100% and try to save our marriage. First couple of days were great, but his heart wasn't in it and I knew it was a matter of time before he left again, despite what he was saying.
I honestly gave it my all, enthusiasm for us and the kids, running round like a blue arsed fly trying to make him and kids happy. Maybe I tried too hard?
He left me again earlier this week, this time for good and I'm heartbroken. I can't eat or sleep and feel like all my recovery from my black time is out of the window. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got no friends to talk to, don't want to tell my parents (can't handle their judgement, especially from my mother)
The bottom line is I don't know what to do, where to turn and he won't answer calls or messages except with a thumbs up or one word answer.
I know it's over for him, but I'm so lost.
I feel like he's made a fool out of me, did he just want company over the holiday?
I really need help to stay strong. I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face for the kids, but I'm struggling.

Please, please any positive comments or words of wisdom will be gratefully received. Tell me how you coped if you went through anything similar. I really need help.
I know I put him through hell this last year, but I'm now on medication, going to a group and trying to help myself recover from all of this. I just feel deserted when I'm finally on the way back up to the old me.

OP posts:

BringMeTea · 06/01/2018 22:46

Hallo OP. So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Feel free to ignore but you might get a super response on Relationships (though you are getting responses here I know). You can message MNHQ and ask them to move the thread for you. . And fwiw I agree he fancied an easy Christmas with his kids...

BringMeTea · 06/01/2018 22:48

Ignore me! You’ve already done that!

eastwest1234 · 06/01/2018 22:56

taz

You sound like you've been an emotional punchbag for him. No more, you hear? That's the end of it. You'll be devastated for a while and then it'll pass and you'll start to slowly recover. What you don't need is for this to keep on happening every time he changes his fickle mind

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 22:59

Thank you all so much for your supportive responses, I am so so grateful. I am so sad to hear of what some of you have already gone through, my heart is breaking for you too.

I know he's a coward and a selfish one at that and when I do start to come out of this, I can focus on that. He's behaved and treated me in a way that no man should treat his wife. He was my best friend, or so I thought. I need to keep strong for my kids, he's their stepfather, but he's been in their lives for many years now and they miss him.
I'm doing my best to stay positive, but it's so hard. I know this blackness won't last, but I'm going through it right now and it feels like shit.
Thank you again for your lovely positive words, I really appreciate them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 23:00

Eastwest, that's what I need.
Thanks hun xxx

OP posts:

Barnyforever · 06/01/2018 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 23:02

f1ck, so sorry to read your news.
We can both do this, chin up, chest out.
Massive hugs from me sweetheart xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 06/01/2018 23:04

Thank you Barny, I can and I will.
I'm so sorry I haven't replied to you all individually, but just know that I am so grateful for each and every reply.
Thank you so much x

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 06/01/2018 23:10

You poor thing he sounds like an absolute cntwaffle. Im fuming on your behalf! Please don't take him back and let him keep mucking you about you now need to focus on yourself and your kids. Maybe when you have some time to think it iver you might realise you are better off without him. How about a change of scene? Maybe a nice holiday with the kids if you can afford it or one of those holiday homeswaps? Or do something the arsehole would never have approved of!
Go to a gym, join a club, dye your hair blue, get a piercing or more resonable alternative redecorate the house (erase all traces of him) or a move closer to relatives for support or just a fresh start somewhere else where you can pretend to be confident until your feeling it.
Wish I could smack the bstard in the head for you but for now Hugs OP xx

IlikemyTeahot · 06/01/2018 23:13

Barnyforever wise words and much more eloquently put than my own. I think I'll remember your words for when I need a boost x

Newyearnewyew · 06/01/2018 23:24

It's an huge massive thing you going to feel awful, it may not be the end, occasionally people need to part, find thier feet again, and get back together, sometimes they don't.

Allow time too grieve.

AhhhhThatsBass · 06/01/2018 23:25

I read somewhere ages ago that “the best revenge is to live well”. It has stayed with me. Take it day by day but concentrate on getting yourself well and strong and then try to live well. We are indeed the architect of our own happiness, you’re getting back into the gym, listening to good music (music is great for the soul, I think). Anything else you like doing but haven’t had time for. Seize the day. Take back your life for you. You’ve got this.

givemesteel · 06/01/2018 23:25

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time OP

Please take your medication correctly and if you don't feel it's improving your depression and anxiety, then please go back to your gp, there are lots of options for treatment if the first type doesn't work.

Your husband is a "fair weather" husband, if he is only there during the good times but not there to support you during the bad times then he's not worthy of you. In the future you'll be glad he's out if your life.

It's better to be single then be with a one I've who doesn't value you or have your back.

oodlesofnoodless · 06/01/2018 23:30

So sorry this has happened OP I always think that someday I am going to look back on hard times and laugh at them! Time heals all wounds. Be strong!

Possum123 · 06/01/2018 23:31

As another poster said have you considered that he is causing your anxiety and depression?

I was very anxious and depressed when living with my EA ex. I was't working and couldn't see how I could work. Move on 14 months and myself and my children are doing so well.

I have a decently paid job that I love and where I am respected. I went back to work after seperating and have worked hard and was promoted in under a year. I feel so much better and I am proud of myself.

My children are doing better as they are no longer living full time with his BS. Though they have to see him as he is their father.

Counselling really helped me and my oldest DD to move on. Also working has had a massive positive effect on me even though it was hard initially.

Your kids are at an age where they are going to have more sleep overs etc so don't worry too much about that. It may also be because they need a break from what is happening at home and if this is what they need to do to cope that is ok. Use the time to continue to sort things out. Maybe go to your GP and talk to them about how you feel and get some support.

you can do this!

Loonoonow · 06/01/2018 23:49

This is hard on you all, meaning you and your DC, you are all experiencing a loss. Don't feel guilty that they have seen you crying and hurting. It is a natural and appropriate response to a break up. You wouldn't want them to think that the break down of a marriage is trivial. Equally, don't resent them if they need to get away on sleepovers or nights out with their mates to have some down time and process what is going on for them.

He sounds a bit weak and spoiled, coming and going over Christmas and deep down you knew it wasn't right. It's better he ended it now rather than dragging it out even longer with you jumping through hoops to try and appease him.

Carry on as you are, practicing self care and taking your meds. This will be baby steps all the way. When you are on your own use that time to eat chocolate, watch DVDSs, talk to us on here.

frankiesamson · 06/01/2018 23:57

Buxtonstill, I don't mean to burst this positive bubble, but not every physical injury can heal, just like not every mental injury heals, so it's a nice cliche to say, but it's not always true unfortunately.

OP, I've been through exactly the same as you by the sounds of it- your story could have been written by me! Some men just seem to leave you when you're down.. they're the ones who are in the relationship more for selfish reasons than legitimate ones (I'm sure you identify with this!). Your ex-DH sounds just as flakey as many of them, but it's not just men.. many of us women are the same (I'm not)!

It's a sad truth in humanity that most people (maybe 99%?) only want to hang around during happy times but it takes a special kind of character to stick by someone during the rain.

frankiesamson · 07/01/2018 00:04

Tazmum01 - by the way, when I went through this almost exact situation you're going through, my ex DH wanted me back as soon as my life was great again, and I took some persuading but eventually I took him back. Everything was perfect but a few years later when crisis hit me again (deaths in my family, combined with me being the victim of some serious crimes in a short space of time), he suddenly left me again.. he also wanted me back again once I was going through good times again. Now I know better. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, because I wasted a lot of time learning from my own! :)

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2018 00:29

Sadly, I have no advice, but I wish you all the best as you recover from this.

If you had depression since September, that's only 4 months. A relative of mine has coped with her dh having depression for years! That suggests your dh is not really someone who can stay the distance. The fact you both gave it a go is good but maybe in the very long run it is better he has moved out.

I lost my mum a couple of years ago, around the time I turned 50 too. Either of these things can be very hard, normally the former is very, very difficult. But it doesn't mean he needs to leave his family.

I've not read all replies.

Please do not try to do too much too quickly. Allow yourself time to process this.

I agree with BlessYourCottonSocks "Focus on achieving something positive every day. It doesn't matter how small - if you can think of ONE tiny thing you've achieved that day as you go to bed it is enough. It will get better - and you will discover one day that you are happier without him..."

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2018 00:31

I've read all your replies OP.

frankiesamson · 07/01/2018 01:10

This happened to me also, and many years later I'm still struggling.

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 12:14

Thank you so for your replies, your positivity helps me to see that in not alone in this.
I really want him to be suffering, but I'm not sure that men feel things in the same way.
He's the one that left, something that was very easy and quick for him to do. He's my DCs stepfather, so whilst he may have loved them, he hasn't got that bond of a parent. I'm not belittling step parents in any way by saying this, I've been a step parent too, but it's not the same (to me). Hope no one takes offence at this x

OP posts:

eastwest1234 · 07/01/2018 12:24

Don't wish suffering on him taz I know it's hard but then you're wasting time thinking about him when you could be focussing on yourself and you are all that really matters (as well as your kids obvs)

I really believe he'll come back to you and, if you choose to take him back, you'll be getting into a vicious cycle.

It's all about taz from now on. Your kids will be happier if their mum looks after herself

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/01/2018 12:50

I think it was horrible that he raised your hopes by coming back for Christmas, only to depart again afterwards. It meant that you were put back to square one in terms of recovering from his absence and have to go through the whole process of grieving for your relationship again. It is essential that you never allow him to do this to you again - it is playing havoc with your mental health. Take pride in taking back control of your life and living as well as you can for yourself and your children. You will recover from this man and ultimately be the stronger for it. And allow yourself to feel angry - it's a powerful weapon to getting back your self-esteem and independence.

Original poster

Tazmum01 · 07/01/2018 14:07

Thank you for your positive words, it will help me so much. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually I will be able to focus beget and put into practice the things you're saying.
I've sorted out my new single tax credits claim and that's one big thing done today.
Got my music blasting out in the kitchen and doing little jobs to distract me. Tomorrow is another day and I'll aim to sashay busy even though all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep the day and night away.
Thanks ladies xxx

OP posts:

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