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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ever want to speak to my Mother again

33 replies

Whooptydoo1 · 06/01/2018 21:04

I’m sorry if this is a bit long but please bear with me, I really need some help, for as long as I can remember my mum has been a nightmare, she married my step father wen I was 5 and after unsuccessfully trying to palm me off on my father and his new wife cut them out of my life completely. My mum and step dad rowed constantly and would fight physically, smashing up the house etc, u would often get dragged into these arguments eg on a couple of occasions by step father dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night to make my mother tell me “she was leaving us” they both had issues with drink and my step father also abused drugs in the home. They split up 15 yrs ago but my mothers drinking got worse, eg she turned up on the post natal ward at tea time the day I had my son so drunk she was slurring her words. 2 years ago she got a place in a rehab, checked herself out after a week and within 6 hours had drunk a litre and half of brandy and a bottle of wine, she then tried to attack me and was restrained by my brother, I’ve only seen her in a few occasions since and avoid her as best I can but she won’t leave me alone. She has called 6 times this week and I’ve ignored her but had a text saying she really needed to speak to me so I stupidly called, she apparently doesn’t understand why I “dislike” her, I’m a liar and a fantasist and she’s not a bad person, phone call ended with her literally wailing incoherently for several minutes until I agreed to see her face to face, I just wish she’d leave me alone, I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is so long but it’s just the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 06/01/2018 21:09

Block her. For your own mh.
I am nc with both dps and honestly life is blissful.
Don't feel guilty, you owe it to yourself to have a happy life.

Floellabumbags · 06/01/2018 21:12

I'm NC with my mother and my only regret is that I didn't do it 20 years earlier.

Traffig · 06/01/2018 21:12

I went nc for similar reasons. Best thing I ever did.
Have a happy life with your own family.

SlartyFarkBarstard · 06/01/2018 21:15

Block her number, move if you have to.

Snowysky20009 · 06/01/2018 21:15

Went nc with my mother 18 months ago and life's been so much less stressful.
Block her, or don't answer her calls, is all I can suggest.
Oh and don't feel guilty!

Piffle11 · 06/01/2018 21:17

Block her. Don't for one minute feel guilty. Good luck xx

sparklepops123 · 06/01/2018 21:20

Wow sounds very familiar to my mother, there were many times I was no contact with her. Difference is she’s dead now, and has been approx 13 yr . I can honestly say her as a person I’ve never missed . all she brought was heartache into my life. Is yours ever going to be the mother you need or want? She’s not been the mum she should be up to now so why will she change? I’d keep clear, sorry

Gilead · 06/01/2018 21:22

Not spoken to my mother for years, it's bloody wonderful. For the sake of you and your family go no contact. Block her on everything and ignore emotional blackmail from other family members. Trust me, the benefits outweigh any guilt!

Original poster

Whooptydoo1 · 06/01/2018 21:27

Thank you everyone, none of my other family speak to her so I won’t be under any duress to maintain contact, it’s just the guilt and feeling like I need to justify myself, should I send her a message explaining my position or just out right block her? I agreed to meet face to face wen they hysterics started but I don’t want to see her

OP posts:

outofmydepth45 · 06/01/2018 21:30

You don't need to justify your choice to anyone especially her just block and ignore (easy said than done )

Touchmybum · 06/01/2018 21:36

If it makes you feel more comfortable with it, just tell her straight what you have posted here. She loves no-one and nothing more than the bottle, so there is no point whatsoever in you trying to put up with it.

I very seldom recommend NC but I can't see any good reason for you maintaining a relationship in the circumstances you describe.

Walk away and make a good life for yourself x

mummmy2017 · 06/01/2018 21:37

Text her this..

Due to your past behaviour and since speaking to you tonight on the phone , I feel a face to face meeting will simply result in yet more disagreement and have decided it is better if we just call it quits..
Whoop.....

krustykittens · 06/01/2018 21:38

I went NC with both my alchoholic, physically and verbally abusive parents 18 months ago and like a PP, I wish I had done it 20 years ago. The guilt was terrible and I had therapy as I became so depressed, so it's not an easy answer. When there is abuse there is a lot to work through but it was the RIGHT answer and I don't regret it. My MH is much better and we are all far, far happier for having them out of our lives. No siblings and no extended family so it was easy for me to cut the cord. Go for it. Life is far too short, people who love you are supposed to make life better for you, not worse.

sparklepops123 · 06/01/2018 21:44

I wouldn't contact her, if she's anything like mine was she would turn it all on you- use your words against you - play the victim. Go non contact you owe her nothing

OnTheRise · 06/01/2018 21:52

You'll gain nothing by explaining to her your reasons. She won't listen and won't understand.

Just block her and be done.

I haven't seen my parents for four years or more and it's wonderful. So much easier. I wish you the same peace and calm.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 06/01/2018 21:54

Sorry to hear of this :(

I echo This:

"I very seldom recommend NC but I can't see any good reason for you maintaining a relationship in the circumstances you describe."

jenm87 · 06/01/2018 21:58

i would send a message explaining why you dont want contact, how you have been made to feel, bring up things that you maybe need her to know what happened if she was drunk and doesnt remember it, that way you have said what you need too and you can block her. at the end of the message say that is why i cant have contact as im much happier now than my childhood and want it to stay that way please leave me to get on with my happy life now. the reason i would send it is incase she starts turning up at your home. you would have made it clear that you dont want a relationship and some reasons why

edwinbear · 06/01/2018 21:59

I went NC with my mother nearly a year ago. I just blocked, no explanation given. But she knows why deep down. Life is calmer and happier without her in it.

loveablether · 06/01/2018 22:02

Does she ever bring you joy?

If the answer is no then you know what to do.

My trouble is my binge drinker Mum is like jelly and Hyde - so crap and selfish and disappointing when she's drunk but see if she's sober, I love her to bits. But I'm let down time and time again in a shitty emotional cycle.

I really feel for you - it's a hard decision to make but i honestly think if there's no joy or happiness and not been for that long then got no contact. You may one day be like the above posters who feel happier for it!

Cindie943811A · 06/01/2018 22:06

Tell her you have changed your mind and there’s no point in meeting and then block her. If she comes to your home and makes a scene call the police and seek a restraining order.
She will never see your point of view- she’s too narcissistic
Good luck OP

StaplesCorner · 06/01/2018 22:22

My heart goes out to you. Please seek counselling or support for what you went through you need to bear witness to it. One day this woman might be able to be a decent human being and say sorry for what she did, but for now, block her and go no contact for the sake of your sanity and that of your family.

Original poster

Whooptydoo1 · 07/01/2018 07:30

Thank you for your advice, I’m going to send her a quick message along the lines of
I think it’s best if we don’t meet up to speak again as anything I have to say will only upset me and you further, I’m sorry that you’re unhappy with the way things are but I have to do what’s best for myself

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

Clankboing · 07/01/2018 07:47

You really shouldn't have been treated like this. I really feel for you. Does she turn up at your house? Would it be possible to move? I know that you shouldn't have to but if you were considering it anyway, I would.

Original poster

Whooptydoo1 · 07/01/2018 08:17

I don’t think she’d turn up at the house or school but ive thought about it, if she does I’ll do what a pp said and call the police if necessary

OP posts:

oursofas · 07/01/2018 08:28

YANBU. I don't know if I would send one last message saying you want NC. Not necessarily the reasons behind the decision because they won't be believed or acknowledged. It would depend if she's likely to turn up at your house if contact just stopped.

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