AIBU to find it hypocritical that she is very judgemental about alcohol use but is morbidly obese?

[inthehat]

I have a relative who is morbidly obese and has been for 20+ years. To my mind she acts no different to an alcoholic.. always going on about food, says stuff like "I need to eat something!" 10x a day, getting cross if she has gone an hour without food. As kids we were sent on a walk up the road to fetch chocolate in the evenings.

She had an alcoholic parent and there was a point when any time one of us has an alcoholic drink she makes comments about it. She frequently comments on her husbands use, talks about "alkies" in a derogatory sense and will dismiss any man I am dating as an alcoholic if I mention we've been to the pub.

She has been so overweight for so long that she has had joints replaced at 50 and more that need doing. She doesn't acknowledge the arthritis as being weight related, ignores doctors who tell her to lose weight and insists her arthritis is genetic because her 85 year old dad had it. I know she will need full time care in the near future as she is barely mobile and cannot walk upstairs without getting out of breath. To my mind, this is not much different to an alcoholic drinking their liver to death and being in denial.

She occasionally talks about being proud of herself for doing a tiny amount of exercise or "eating well" for a day, then rewarding it with cake. If I stay at their house I often find her secretly snacking or getting up at e.g. 4am to eat more.

Sometimes when she is on a rant about alcohol I want to say "how is this any different to you and food?" but obviously it'd be a heartless thing to say. I guess AIBU for finding it frustrating?

Well I have to say I am overweight but I will Be judge of some one who is alcoholic.
That’s because when someone is overweight/obese they only hurt themselves.
When someone is alcoholic, their actions are hurting themsleves and the people around them (incl the dcs as pointed by the OP herself)

So I think it’s comparable only up to a point.

And of course, that’s wo talking about the fact you can be obese for many other reasons than being ‘addicted to food’.

Also worth remembering that the OP is t talking about omoen with an eating disorder bit about someone who is obese. Not the same th8ng at all as you do not have the level of ‘addiction’ you get with alcohol dépendance and/or ED

YANBU

I know someone who does this. She has been morbidly obese for decades and was going on about how many cigarettes her SIL smoked, I thought at first she meant she was breathing her secondhand smoke etc but no, apparently SIL smokes out back garden.

I thought it really weird

I grew up with alcoholic parents, there is a big difference between that and eating disorders, because no one ever got so fat they decided to beat you, or tried to excuse their abuse with 'i had a bit too much cake' or ate so much that they didn't notice you being abused right under their nose. She is unreasonable to be so judgy of everyone who drinks or goes to a pub though. Just because some people drink way too much way too often doesn't mean the majority of people can't go out and enjoy a few drinks.

I often found myself going without food because my parents had bought drink instead, I don't remember ever having 3 meals in the same day as a child, there were often days where there was no food at all or weeks where we were surviving off rice because it was cheap. It has given me food issues, partially because as a pp said its having been taught that you manage your emotional state by consuming something, but actually more in my case because I learnt as a child that if there is food there you eat it, because there won't be food later, and if you have money you buy food and eat it in secret (so you don't have to share) because there won't be money later. It wasn't until I came to terms with my parents drinking that I was able to start to sort out my eating, hopefully this group she has joined will help her with that.

One of my parents had an ed and the other was an alcoholic. I didn't even know about the ed until I was an adult. I did know about the parent who was aggressive, missed my birthday parties after promising they'd come home, was violent and just generally scared me by being inebriated when they were supposed to be looking after me so yes I'm pretty anti alcohol, rarely drink and my kids will NEVER see me drunk. I also don't have any eating issues so have escaped that as well.

Also we never had money for nice clothes, outings and frequently didn't have a cooked meal in the evening would have to have cereal or something.

Also worth remembering that the OP is t talking about omoen with an eating disorder bit about someone who is obese. Not the same th8ng at all as you do not have the level of ‘addiction’ you get with alcohol dépendance and/or ED

Someone who gets up in the night to eat (and hides sacking from family) is pretty likely to be suffering from Binge Eating Disorder. It is not as well known as anorexia or bulimia but it is very real.

Hmm interesting armchair diagnosis....

Fwiw, I know several people who have gone through periods where they are fee,I gotta so hungry that they had to get up and eat at night.
None of them were obese or had issues with food, let alone an ED.
It also went away in its own, just ok,w it came but in at least one person, it was related to some medication they were taking.

In effect, on that information alone you just can NOT diagnosed someone with an ED.

What I find frustrating with people like the OP's friend/acquaintance/family member, is the lack of insight into their problem.

Many binge eaters have simply swapped a parent's drug or alcohol addiction for food.

My dad was a binge drinking functioning alcoholic and my mother had a number of mental issues including food related problems.

I binge eat. I am overweight and have lost weight to get here but to get to this point has necessitated a great deal of soul searching, therapy and set backs.

It's frustrating when I see someone with a clear problem, badmouthing someone else who is smoking themselves into an early grave, without acknowledging their own alcohol issues.

In effect, on that information alone you just can NOT diagnosed someone with an ED

No, nor can I diagnose bulimia if someone tells me that after eating, they make themselves sick. Some people might make themselves sick for different reasons. But getting up to eat in the night and secret eating are major symptoms of of BED, same as being sick after binges is a major symptom of bulimia.

I dont think describing someone in non-identifying language on an anonymous forum constitutes "publicly shaming" them, as a PP said.
Pronouncing anyone who goes to the pub or has a glass of wine an alcoholic is unreasonable regardless of any other behaviours / disorders she may have. But IME the most judgemental people are usually the ones least happy with themselves - I'm sure she's conscious of her weight and is probably just trying to deflect negative attention (her own and other people's) onto someone else.

Even random people she meets in life are "an alkie, I can just tell" or "he bolted his beer down quickly, clearly a problem".

My parents both had issues with alcohol. Now, as an adult, I can't help taking a lot of notice of what other people drink, signs they've been drinking, etc. Not from a judgmental standpoint, but because I've become attuned to it (or paranoid about it, really, because I think sometimes I'm probably wrong). Drunkenness and alcohol abuse make me feel anxious and sad because of my past experiences, and I'm just extra sensitive to them. Maybe your relative is similar.

She's probably just glad that she's not addicted to booze as well.

AnotherDunroamin - yes, the unhappy with self and the self conscious of their own weight is very true in the case of the person I know. She seems to get over invested in how much weight someone else has put on, I think it makes her feel better about herself. It's so sad.