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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find it hypocritical that she is very judgemental about alcohol use but is morbidly obese?

39 replies

inthehat · 06/01/2018 19:36

I have a relative who is morbidly obese and has been for 20+ years. To my mind she acts no different to an alcoholic.. always going on about food, says stuff like "I need to eat something!" 10x a day, getting cross if she has gone an hour without food. As kids we were sent on a walk up the road to fetch chocolate in the evenings.

She had an alcoholic parent and there was a point when any time one of us has an alcoholic drink she makes comments about it. She frequently comments on her husbands use, talks about "alkies" in a derogatory sense and will dismiss any man I am dating as an alcoholic if I mention we've been to the pub.

She has been so overweight for so long that she has had joints replaced at 50 and more that need doing. She doesn't acknowledge the arthritis as being weight related, ignores doctors who tell her to lose weight and insists her arthritis is genetic because her 85 year old dad had it. I know she will need full time care in the near future as she is barely mobile and cannot walk upstairs without getting out of breath. To my mind, this is not much different to an alcoholic drinking their liver to death and being in denial.

She occasionally talks about being proud of herself for doing a tiny amount of exercise or "eating well" for a day, then rewarding it with cake. If I stay at their house I often find her secretly snacking or getting up at e.g. 4am to eat more.

Sometimes when she is on a rant about alcohol I want to say "how is this any different to you and food?" but obviously it'd be a heartless thing to say. I guess AIBU for finding it frustrating?

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 06/01/2018 19:38

Nasty.

Jozxyqk · 06/01/2018 19:40

You're entitled to think what you want, but don't say it. Like you say, it would be heartless.

wherethevioletsgrow · 06/01/2018 19:41

I presume that her feelings are tinged by having an alcoholic parent and I am not surprised that she is so evangelical about it. This might also be the cause of her eating issues- you never know.

Also, the two may have similarities but they are not the same. Yes, being overweight leads to increased health risks, but being raised by a fat parent is nothing like being raised by an alcoholic one. Alcoholism directly affects the behaviour, it makes you unpredictable and frightening. It can lead to family members feeling scared and helpless. Which is why SS will intervene if a parent is alcoholic but not if they are fat.

So in summary, YABU.

wherethevioletsgrow · 06/01/2018 19:42

If I stay at their house I often find her secretly snacking or getting up at e.g. 4am to eat more

So it sounds like she has an eating disorder and you want to publicly shame her for it? Nice.

tiredbutFESTIVE · 06/01/2018 19:43

It’s never good to play top trumps with problems. She has food issues. She also has issues with other people’s alcohol use. Addicts often compare their “good” behaviours to others bad behaviour to justify themselves. Sounds like she won’t change at this age so you need to find a different way to handle how you feel about her

Lethaldrizzle · 06/01/2018 19:43

Over eating and over drinking are both damaging. She can get a fatty liver just as a drinker can. She is being unreasonable to be so judgemental

Lordamighty · 06/01/2018 19:48

YANBU I have sibling who doesn’t drink & shoehorns that information into almost every conversation. On the other hand he is very overweight & has had type 2 diabetes for many years.

scrabbler3 · 06/01/2018 19:54

I find that drinkers, smokers and obese folks are all equally vilified when it comes to the strain on the NHS.

But re. your OP, I can understand why having an alcoholic parent has made her take this position. I don't concur with it, but I get it.

I hope she obtains help for her ED. Perhaps you could gently help her with that?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/01/2018 20:00

Well yes, it is different. You can give up alcohol. We don’t have to have it to live. We can take steps not to be around it and broadly speaking people will support that. Food is different. We have to eat. We can’t cut it out all together and so the temptation is very much in front of you all the time. It is a totally different level of will power and support that is needed to successfully conqueror an eating disorder. You should try it.

Original poster
inthehat · 06/01/2018 20:01

ohreally I'm a recovered bulimic.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/01/2018 20:06

Having an alcoholic parent tends to make you pretty anti alcohol imo - or an alcoholic yourself.
It's not just the fact that they are harming themselves it's the neglect, the lies, the violence and the poverty that tends to come with it.
Are you hypocritical to be criticising someone with an ed when you have had one yourself?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/01/2018 20:08

Then really you should know better than to be judging, surely?

Juicyfruitloop · 06/01/2018 20:09

Yes it would be mean but I totally get it.

When I was a smoker, I'm slim fit go to the gym but smoked. I got the judgement from obese friend and relatives.

I hate the argument but you have to eat, You do not have to smoke, I always thought yes but you do not have to eat so much. The body needs 1500 to 2000 calories not 5000 a day.

That line always bugs me.

Dustbunny1900 · 06/01/2018 20:11

Both are addictions leading to bad health and possible early death. Of course different addictions affect the user and ppl around them but at the core... I think your problem w her is not her addiction, but her judgement to others addictions and extremism? Sounds like she’s hurting tbh so I’d leave it

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/01/2018 20:12

I think the point is that you have to moderate your intake of food rather than just give it up altogether which is arguably simpler.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 06/01/2018 20:13

Did you know that the adult offspring of alcoholics are statistically very prone to binge-eating? Very prone to developing alcohol dependence as well too, actually, but food is often the path for people trying to responsibly manage the triad of an inherited predisposition to addiction, poor parental role models (i.e. having been taught that you manage your emotional state by consuming something, whether it be alcohol or drugs) and the emotional and psychological effects of having a alcoholic/drug-addicted parent.

I'm not saying obesity is great, but as things go, being obese does not have the same knock-on effects on your life, career and family as dependence on intoxicating substances.

Cherrycokewinning · 06/01/2018 20:15

You relative is really fucked up though OP. It’s a real shame

Original poster
inthehat · 06/01/2018 20:16

f course different addictions affect the user and ppl around them but at the core... I think your problem w her is not her addiction, but her judgement to others addictions and extremism?

This exactly. I think maybe it's just that I've heard so much of it lately, as she's joined a support group for families of alcoholics and is constantly going on about it. Even random people she meets in life are "an alkie, I can just tell" or "he bolted his beer down quickly, clearly a problem".

I would never tell her what I think for the sake of shutting her up. I suppose I just wanted to vent about it.

I take the points about nastiness and will keep working to hide these feelings or deal with them in a nicer way.

OP posts:
AvtarRamKaur · 06/01/2018 20:17

We all have our demons. I would try to be empathetic; she is clearly struggling with issues that are causing her to suffer.
It isn't uncommon for people to project their issues onto other people in situations like this. Best to leave her be, I think.

Original poster
inthehat · 06/01/2018 20:17

Also arguably growing up with her contributed to my ED. So while alcoholism is damaging.. all the stuff about food, weight, the fact I was a seriously obese child and she didn't intervene as it would mean confronting her own issues.. yeah.. it took a toll. But I'm too old to play the blame game now and that part of my life is over.

OP posts:
Juicyfruitloop · 06/01/2018 20:18

I disagree Corbyn s.

Granted I have never been obese. But my sister was and a smoker.

She lost 4 stone with slimming world and has kept it off but still cannot conquer nicotine addiction, if anything there are equally difficult.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2018 20:19

You'd think if you cared about her you'd see that having an alcoholic parent has damaged in her and that she is suffering from the same compulsive feelings and denial as her parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2018 20:20

ex-posted. So your 'relative' is your mother?

In which case it's fairly obvious why it affects you.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/01/2018 20:23

If she is your mother then overfeeding you until you were an overweight child is much worse than her extreme anti alcohol stance imo.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 06/01/2018 20:29

Also arguably growing up with her contributed to my ED.

Quite possibly. If you can, recognise that she is a product of her upbringing too, though.

It requires tremendous amounts of self-insight, verging on navel-gazing, to completely overcome circumstances. There are so, so many people who don't even manage to channel the addictive behaviour they've been taught from the cradle down less harmful routes than those of their parents, never mind avoid it completely.

Please know, I'm not meaning to minimise the effects of having a parent with an ED, because I know the effects of that first-hand.