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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately want a baby but know now is not the right time

38 replies

lovescarbs · 06/01/2018 11:35

Hi mumsnetters,

This is my first post (though I am a regular thread watcher) so apologies if don’t know the lingo.

Essentially I know I am BU but I desperately would love a baby but know that relationship and finance wise it is not realistically an option at the moment. The thought of waiting just makes me desperately sad.

As a bit of background (don’t want to drip feed) I’ve been with my bf 5 years (we are 25 and 26) and we own our own home and we have always said we both want children. He is keen to wait 5-10 years before TTC, so that we have stable jobs (we are just setting up our careers at the moment) and are married etc.

Please help me rationalise and not go crazy waiting mumsnetters SmileFlowers.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 06/01/2018 11:36

I would not be waiting 10 years. It is much harder to get pregnant in your mid 30s.

What occupations do you both have?

Lottapianos · 06/01/2018 11:37

You are being very sensible by thinking about timing and practicalities. Broodiness comes and goes, hang in there. You absolutely have time in your side so no rush

CuppaSarah · 06/01/2018 11:37

Well if you can afford it, why not have children? That said you both need to be on board, I think you need to have a conversation with your dh to figure out some solid goals and times to work towards.

CuppaSarah · 06/01/2018 11:41

Has anyone's boobs changed shape? After two babies and 11 months breast feeding(total not each) they resemble this shape: UU but now they're a slightly more pert VV shape. It's quite weird, I feel like I'm doing a Madonna impression with the pointyness.

Original poster
lovescarbs · 06/01/2018 11:43

Lotta: thank you- I think that is exactly what I need to hear- just need to convince my non rational side Blush.

Fruit: I completely agree re fertility and would hate to not be able to have a baby. Don’t want to identify myself but he is training to be an accountant and I am a very junior manager.

Cuppa: you’re right- we need to have the conversation again. My bf always says he wants to engaged/have DC but always puts a long time scale on it actually happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescarbs · 06/01/2018 11:45

Cuppa: sorry no advice on boob shape as no babies, but you made me LOL with the Madonna impression Grin

OP posts:
ferntwist · 06/01/2018 11:48

Don’t let him put you off 10 years, it’s too risky. He might not be the one for you.

demirose87 · 06/01/2018 11:51

If you both know you want children at some point I would say now is as good a time as any. You're relatively young so there's no major rush, but 10 years is a long time and your fertility could drop dramatically. Imagine leaving it till you're 35 and then you find there you need fertility treatment and it's not as easy to conceive as you thought.
I don't think there is a " right" time to have a baby. I think they come along when they are meant. I could never imagine waiting that long for a family once I knew I wanted one, but that said, I had four children in my twenties.

Kittykatmacbill · 06/01/2018 11:55

Definitely not unreasonable to wait five years, get a property, afford to go on holiday etc.

Ten years is a bit long...

Lottapianos · 06/01/2018 11:56

I do agree with the others OP that 10 years is too long to wait if you do want children. That said, don't go rushing in to it now if you feel that timing is not right. Good luck

UnitedKungdom · 06/01/2018 11:57

I think there absolutely is a right time to have a baby, the only problem is that when you decide to have one, one doesn't necessarily magically appear. But at your age you've plenty of time and it's most important that your DP is on board. I personally would want to be very financially secure too.

FruitCider · 06/01/2018 12:07

I think it’s reasonable to wait until his training has finished and you are married. I wouldn’t want to be waiting much longer than 5 years though, but that’s just my opinion x

GrimDamnFanjo · 06/01/2018 12:14

Get married first so you have the protection this entails. Ten years is too long imho within a relationship where both want kids. Conception could be easy for you but if it's not then you have wasted your most fertile years.

Goldfishshoals · 06/01/2018 12:15

He is keen to wait 5-10 years before TTC

Thats extremely vague and unreasonable given your ages.

At 26 I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait 5 years before starting on kids... 4 years later at 30 the same boyfriend still felt it was "5 years" in the future. I dumped him, started over on the dating scene and now have a family, but starting so late (mid thirties) has not been good for my health and has severely limited the number of children I can have.

If putting a couple more years into your careers is something that will pay off then consider it, but delaying for a decade seems extreme. I would get married before kids, but thats something that takes half an hour down the registry office, not something that will take ten years to sort out.

You have a house and have been together 5 years. Its time for sit down and serious conversation with actual plans in mind,. Not hand wavy 'in five or maybe ten years' which is actually just a way of him not thinking about it.

Original poster
lovescarbs · 06/01/2018 12:15

Thanks all Flowers- really helpful advice and consensus seems to be that waiting 5 years before TTC is a good plan.

Now just need to change my mindset as I feel like I’m wishing my life away in the meantime!

As an aside, I know he loves me but I have been waiting and hoping for a proposal for a while...I guess I have an underlying fear that he is just giving large timescales to prevent committing any further? Probably just me being irrational Blush.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovescarbs · 06/01/2018 12:17

Goldfish: cross posts but that is exactly my worry! I know he does want DC and loves me, but just don’t want to throw my life away waiting for something

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 06/01/2018 12:22

Talk to him about getting married OP. No waiting around for a proposal. Make a decision together

Headofthehive55 · 06/01/2018 12:26

Many more women will struggle to conceive at 30 than 25. I know I did!
I think he is just putting it off and will always do so.

jaseyraex · 06/01/2018 12:27

Have you spoke about getting married soon? If that's a step you want to take before children then of course the sooner that happens the better. You don't want to be getting married in five years and still waiting another five on top of that for a child. Start taking the steps you both want to take towards having children. There's no rush, but theres no need to waste time either.

Mrsknackered · 06/01/2018 12:28

Just wanted to Grin at Cuppa and the boob thing...perhaps the wrong thread!

There is no right time to have a baby, ever. Something always gets in the way and I wouldn't wait until late 30's, it'd be fine if you only wanted one but it might be difficult a) getting pregnant multiple times at that age b) having multiple uncomplicated pregnancies at that age.
Speak to him about your concerns regarding 10 years, and try to put it to the back of your head ATM, but don't let it be so far back that you become resentful.

Shmithecat · 06/01/2018 12:29

Don't even think about having children before you're married. Its madness.

mostimproved · 06/01/2018 12:29

Have you discussed getting married at all? I don’t really understand ‘waiting for a proposal’ - if you want to get married then why not bring it up in conversation and see what he says rather than just hoping the idea pops into his mind randomly.

Also re the kids/career thing, I think it is sensible to wait, but also wanted to offer the perspective that having kids earlier in your career does not end it or stop you progressing any further. My partner and I are a similar age to you and we had our DS at 20 so right at the start of our working lives. Since then we have both been promoted several times and have now got the nursery stage out of the way, and still have most of our careers ahead of us. You can both continue building careers and be parents so please don’t assume you can’t!

Addictedtohavingbabies · 06/01/2018 12:33

To be honest, if you definitely want children I would put that ahead of marriage. Marriage can wait, fertility doesn't.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 12:37

I certainly wouldn't put children ahead of marriage. Most people are beginning to see this isn't a good idea. At your age you don't have to rush into things but I think 10 years is far to long. Maybe in another four or five years.

Firesuit · 06/01/2018 12:39

There was a thread the other day where someone was complaining about judgement for having a child at the "young" age of 23. As far as I remember, something like 21/22 is biologically optimal, after that it's all downhill, with the pace picking up when you're in your 30's.

I don't know if there's a sensible way to restructure society so that it's possibe, but I suspect that in a perfectly designed world, the vast majority of children would be born to women aged 18-25. Maybe there should be a "pregnancy loan scheme" (analogous to student loan scheme) so that finances aren't the obstacle. Grin

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