To desperately want a baby but know now is not the right time

[lovescarbs]

Hi mumsnetters,

This is my first post (though I am a regular thread watcher) so apologies if don’t know the lingo.

Essentially I know I am BU but I desperately would love a baby but know that relationship and finance wise it is not realistically an option at the moment. The thought of waiting just makes me desperately sad.

As a bit of background (don’t want to drip feed) I’ve been with my bf 5 years (we are 25 and 26) and we own our own home and we have always said we both want children. He is keen to wait 5-10 years before TTC, so that we have stable jobs (we are just setting up our careers at the moment) and are married etc.

Please help me rationalise and not go crazy waiting mumsnetters .

Thank you all really helpful replies- making me think!

To posters asking about getting married, we have said we won’t have children before being married and I definitely haven’t just waited around for a proposal. We started having the conversation a couple of years ago and agreed ‘in the next year’. When that time frame came and went he said ‘once I’m exam qualifued’ though we discussed it again last week and he jumped in and was like no not when I’m exam qualified, when I’m TIME qualified (thus adding another 6 months to the time frame).

When I’ve pushed back and explained how it makes me feel (other people’s partners want to marry them but I have to nag you to marry me) he tells me to stop being silly and that of course he wants to marry me but not yet as we are too young. He then says all our family agrees with him (which unfortunately they do) that we are really young and shouldn’t rush to get married .

Sorry just realised that was a really long rant .

mostimproved: thank you that is so helpful to hear you can still build your career when having DC early

We waited till we had bought another property (for the future child) before we had children. Now they are financially set. My little one is not even 2 yet. Wife had our first one at 28 yrs, I have done the same again buying yet another property and we will now plan for child 2.

i.e. be smart financially coz this government aint gonna bail nobody out

Fertility doesn’t drop off a cliff in your early 30s though like some people have said. It’s not “so much harder” unless you already had problems in your 20s.

In your early 30s, your chances of getting pregnant are only slightly lower than in your late 20s.

If marriage and children are important to you, in that order, I wouldn't be staying in the relationship past my late 20s without a date having been set and a venue booked, minimum. It's certainly a good idea not to have children until you're a bit more established in your jobs. But there's no reason why you can't marry in that time. I would also not be choosing to push TTC much past early 30s if I knew I wanted children in the plural.

In these circumstances though, a sensible discussion with your partner is always a good idea. He can't be that much of a commitment phobe or traditionalist if he's bought a property with you and lived in it with you before you get married!

I would definitely have a discussion about the future and set timescales, if you want to be married first set a date. I know a few people who have waited until they're more established and then had fertility problems. I also know men who've just strung their partners along until it's to late.
I only met my partner in my mid 30s and had a baby very quickly, I've been lucky and hopefully will have another. I enjoy motherhood so much I do think if I'd started younger I would have had 3 or 4. So it also depends on how many you want and what gaps between children.

Now just need to change my mindset as I feel like I’m wishing my life away in the meantime!

OP you said this but I think that's the wrong way to think. You don't need to change your mindset at all, if you feel like you are wishing your life away it's because you are ready for marriage and children, your partner obviously isn't. You need to think about giving yourself a deadline in mind to make a decision about whether this is the relationship that will give you that.

Explain to him that he keeps changing the goal posts, you appreciate that he is not ready for that yet, but you are and would like to be married by such and such a time, and trying to conceive shortly after that. Ask him if he is comfortable with that timescale. If he says no, you have your answer. I would then seriously consider breaking free from the relationship.

I had a similar relationship from 21-28, met at uni, he was doing accountancy training too. He was also not ready. We also owned a house together. Eventually after wasting years waiting I found out he was having an affair at work. Got out of there fast and met my now DH only 6 months later. 2 years after meeting we were engaged, a year after that married and now we have two wonderful boys. I was lucky that I conceived easily at the age of 33 and 35 but I am surrounded by people who have had issues. It has also stopped me from having a third child as I personally now feel too old to go through it all again but we definitely would have had more children had we met earlier in life.

Life is too too short to wish the years away waiting for something.

My ex put off marriage and kids for 10 years give or take with comments like that, despite him knowing that it was something which was incredibly important to me. 'After we buy a house', 'We've just bought a house, we need some time to settle in here', i've just changed jobs, it's too soon', 'We're moving abroad, now isn't the best time', etc etc, until one day he came out and said, 'actually I don't know if I'll ever want to get married' which put a dampener on the relationship, especially when he followed it with, 'and I don't really want kids either'. And yes this was despite us buying a house together and living together, and despite us emigrating abroad together. He just never wanted to come out and say it until I put my foot down and forced the issue. We split up fairly qickly after that, I lost a lot of respect for him. I was prepared to forgo those things to stay with him, but couldn't get past the fact that he'd strung me along for so long.

Having said all that, I'm now pregnant with my first at 36 so waiting doesn't necessarily mean it will be impossible, but obviously the probability of getting pregnant with relative ease does reduce as you get older.

Thanks all- think I need to have the conversation again re marriage/DC. Not looking forward to it as I know it’s going to end in an arguement and him saying I’m manipulative for nagging him and he will propose when he is ready and that we are in position to bring a child into the world.

Give me strength

*in no position to bring a child into the world

How long are you willing to wait? That's what you need to work out.
Or propose to him. Tell him the you're ready now and ask him properly. If he says no then you have a decision to make.
I do think men think mid thirties to forties is the best time to settle down and that's when they start thinking about it. Sadly for women that can be too late.

He uses the word nagging? Urgh.

Is there a reason you think he would call you manipulative though? Ie have you talked about this before and that's been the response, or is him thinking you try and manipulate a bone of contention between the two of you normally?

polar
I concieved really really easily in my twenties, by the time I was thirty I had problems.
I think he is stringing you along.