To be so anxious about 2 year old starting nursery

[SaltAndPeppaPig]

I was going to post this in Childcare, but thought it would get more traffic in AIBU...

I'm a SAHM to DD who turned two at the end of November - since she's been born she's probably been out of my care for about 3 hours max...and it didn't go very well! She's not particularly clingy, she's just only used to being with me or her dad (but mainly me, as DH works 12 hour days) I suffer with depression and anxiety, so my life is really insular, I don't go out much, and find a strict routine with DD works best for us. I don't have any support from family or friends.

Lately my DH has suggested putting her into nursery for 2 half days a week, to give me a small break and to also get her used to other children and prepare her for school. I totally agree with this, as I don't have any friends that have young children, and tend to avoid places like soft play. DD has a 4 year old step-sister, who she adores, but they only get every-other-weekend together.

We went to view a lovely nursery yesterday, great ofsted report, amazing staff, lots of activities and they take the children's development really seriously - so I'm confident that this is the best nursery for her, plus it is only a 5 minute walk away from where we live - so everything is perfect really...

The only problem is, I'm SO worried about how she's going to react to this new change. She was silent and scared just looking round the place, and clung to my hand the whole time. I felt really overwhelmed by the whole thing, and actually cried when we got back in the car!! I'm desperate for a break, but I don't know if I can bring myself to make this massive change and let her go! I really want to do this, I know it is the best for her. And to be honest, after looking after her (mainly) by myself for 2 solid years I would love to have some actual time back for myself - I think I've "lost" myself a bit since she's been born... she's so in love with me (and vice versa) I feel guilty as hell to be leaving her with strangers, especially when I don't technically "have" to use childcare.

I just know she's going to go wild and scream for me when I leave her as it's so far out of her comfort zone! I didn't mean for this to be so long so thanks if you got this far... I am hoping I can get some advice from others who have been through the same thing, right now I feel like a pathetic excuse for a mother - I want to get a grip and make this new experience a positive one for us both!

My daughter is 14 months and started nursery two months ago, once a week. I cried the first three times she went and still hate dropping her off there as she still isn't as keen as being with me or her dad but I just keep telling myself it's good for her to socialise with other children.

I don't have any advise as such, I just wanted to say that you are not the only person to feel this way and eventually you and her will both get used to it. Mine still cries two months on but she's younger and only attending once a week at the moment. The workers always tell me she has had a nice day when I pick her up and she's always done lots of arty things that aren't my cup of tea, so definitely good for her!

You're not pathetic at all.

I would say two can be a clingy age. If you waited until she was 3, it might be easier for both of you. I know loads of 2 year olds go to nursery, but they've normally been in childcare from a younger age. Just my perspective though. She might be absolutely fine. Two half days isn't much - which is good and bad. Good, because again, I think she'll cope much better with a half day, but bad because she won't be there much and it might take her longer to settle.

How about finding a childminder for the two mornings, so you still get a break and she gets to mix a bit more (but in a less overwhelming way) Then at three, definitely nursery as she'll probably love it then?

From an infant teachers perspective going to nursery for a bit a week would be a really positive thing :) socialisation with a variety of children is so important for developing the early social skills that will help her all her life. Children do tend to adapt quickly and the nursery staff will be able to give you lots of advice on separating positively.

It also means that when she starts school she will be used to being a bit more independent and hopefully make the transition easier. :) hope that helps!

I had something very similar. Mine went to Nursery 2 days a week from 2.9 (returned to work) and the first 4-6 weeks were tough on her and me but now I can see the absolute benefit and it was the best decision. She loves nursery and the routine is great and she is so much more confident. Even just approaching other kids when I take her out I can see she is no longer as shy as she was.

I can understand how you feel but I think both you and your daughter would benefit from nursery.

Can you talk to the staff about settling in? Most nurseries will allow a few short sessions before the child starts their full hours. They should also be willing to let you stay with her for the first few visits and then you can gradually leave.

First, you could simply step out of the room, build up to bring out by going for ten mins, 20 and so on.

The nursery should support you both with making the transition and it will help in the long term when she goes to school .

Yanbu to feel worried. She will probably find the transition difficult and so will you. She will probably cry when you leave her and it will break your heart and you will spend the whole time she is away worrying about her and not enjoying your time to yourself. However this will pass, she will settle in and overall it is likely to be positive for her, particularly seeing as she does not socialise currently.
Imagine how hard it would be for her to start school without any preparation? It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

My little boy is 2 and has been at Nursery for over a year. He still cries most of the time when I drop him off but stops immediately (after 30 seconds or so, I look through the door) and they and he report he enjoys it.

Nursery is a positive thing for 99.9% of children. It helps them socialise for fun, deal with social situations like sharing and communicating and prepares them for school.

Both my children attended school (2 years old to IB) 5 mornings a week from 2 and loved it. They're 6 and 4 and still love going. Children are far clingier and often have bigger issues when they haven't had any kind of childcare until they suddenly begin school full time. Especially eldest or only children in my experience.

Tried to send dd at 2 but gave up and waited until she was 3. I took her to Playgroup instead, but had to stay for the first few sessions.

Sorry to be blunt but it's never going to work if she sees you are upset about it
You have to be positive about it and not let her see that it bothers you

Honestly? Two and a half days is far too much in my opinion. You would both benefit from a few half day sessions of 2/3 hours I reckon and she would settle to that easily compared to a whole day which I believe is just too much for a wee one used to being at home all day.
I also think if you had whole days you would actually be more likely to Ben unsure of what to do and “waste” them...whereas having a few hours only concentrates the time so you get focussed eg an exercise class one day or a specific task another.

If the nursery wasn’t able to do just half sessions then I’d look at a local childminder as they can often be accommodating and also a home environment which your wee one is used to.

You have described my eldest perfectly, I sent him to nursery fifteen hours a week at three and didn't have a single problem.
Maybe wait till three?

Hi Isadora - she will be doing 2 half days a week, so 4.5 hours on each day (say 1-5:30 on Thursday and again on the Friday. I wouldn't put her in for a whole day until she was properly settled in, or had made a wee friend who does a whole day for example.

The nursery does do settling in days, where I can leave her for 30mins, then gradually build that time up to an hour as she gets more used to it. I can go for a coffee round the corner and be literally 30 seconds away if the staff think I need to come back.

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I feel a lot better reading that I'm not a cry baby loser who can't let go I agree with a previous poster who said I have to keep my worries away from DD - she's very empathetic to my emotions as it is - and I don't want her to be feeling that on top of her own wee worries - it's really hard though!!

It's two half days, not two and a half days.

I totally feel for you, SaltAndPeppaPig. It's so traumatic, isn't it?

You'll get it again, when she goes to big school, then secondary school, then University!

But nursery is the first and therefore, possibly the worst.

The only advice I can offer is that sometimes we just have to go through the worry. You will never be able to make all the choices for your child and keep them protected and happy forever . That's not the way it works. Neither should it.

Giving your daughter the tools to be able to socialise and make a small step towards independence is vital for her future well-being.

It doesn't help your pain in the short term though.

It's quite true that she may well be upset (as will you, definitely) but that's normal and natural.

If you can grit your teeth, nail on a smile and let her go, do it. Give it three weeks. And then review the situation.

You will get a feel as to whether she is acclimatising.

Her fear will be that she doesn't have you to rely on. So she will be forced to rely more on herself. That is by far the best way to deal with the natural insecurity that comes with separation. Finding your own resources.

And of course two years old is tiny. But it is only for a very brief period, twice a week.

When you pick her up tell her how wonderful she's been. Positive reinforcement.

Because you also need a break.

And just tell yourself that if, after a few weeks, it's killing you both, you can change your mind. Nothing is set in stone.

Don't beat yourself up. Your feelings are entirely natural.

I've got to be honest, reading about your DD not being out of your care for long and strict routines / not going out much is a bit concerning.

For both of your sakes I think nursery might be a good idea.

I would suggest mornings instead of afternoons as 2 year olds get tired in the afternoons

Crunchymum
I've got to be honest, reading about your DD not being out of your care for long and strict routines / not going out much is a bit concerning.

For both of your sakes I think nursery might be a good idea

In the nicest possible way I agree.

My 2 and a half year old has just started nursery twice a week. He's behind on speech, still not saying any words, so we thought this might help as I also don't have any friends or family with young children. The only time he socialises is at playgroup or soft play. The first two weeks were hard. He cried a lot and I cried a lot too if I'm honest. However in just over month he's started making noises and actually attempting to speak, so nursery is working in the way we hoped. A break is good for both of you. Your daughter needs to socialise and so do you. Do you get treatment for your depression and anxiety? I've been where you are and staying indoors all the time isn't good for anyone.

I understand. I still feel guilty sending my youngest to preschool so I can have a break but he loves it. He's 3 though and we did a year of just 1 morning a week. He does 5 mornings a week now, term time only and he really enjoys it.

You sound a fantastic mum and I bet you will both love the nursery time. She will soon settle am sure he can you do something positive too like a nice coffee break or a swim/run?

Good luck

I don’t think Nursery at 2 is necessary for all children. But I think you and your dd might benefit from a small amount as you suggest.

I put my then 2 year old into nursery 2 times a week for half days.
But after 2 months of dropping him off and him crying for the whole session (every single one) I decided to stop them.
Now at 3 he has just started nursery (the funded that all 3/4 year olds get).
And he absolutely loves it, he cried today because it wasnt on.
So I would really try it and give it a good go, but if it doesn't work out then its not the end of the world.

My soon to be 16 DD and I have an extremely close relationship and always have done, with very similar circumstances to you in our early years together.

She found nursery at 2 years and 8 months a whole lot easier than I did. I was guided by her initially and she settled far more quickly than I would ever have predicted.

Some parents stayed for the first few sessions, interacting with other children and leaving theirs to wander off, but always being visible as a reassurance.

Other parents handed them over, bid firm farewells and departed swiftly.

You’ll find your way. Best of luck.

I totally sympathise - my twins are 16 months and had never been looked after by anyone but me and (rarely) DH. I had a couple of work events (I work very part time and they come with me) where they had a crèche so I decided to try it. They were quite stressed initially but I left them to it - when I came back they were having so much fun they didn't even notice me! I think it will be good confidence building for both of you.

I had a very clingy 10 month old when I went back to work and left her at nursery 2.5 days a week.

She had inductions days to hold her confidence where I could stay in the parents’ room in case she was upset. She would cry initially but invariably the staff would come out to say she has settled and was fine

It’s been the best thing for her. She’s settled in really well, made friends, they’ve brought her on really well. We had a wobble recently where they had a high staff turnover and the standards slipped but we had a quick word with the manager and things have been great again since

Trust your instincts. You know your child. However don’t ditch the idea if she cries initially, sometimes they (and us) need to be pushed. It was hard for me at first Bennie I can see it was the best thing for both of us.

build her confidence not hold! Sorry for typos, trying to type on phone while aforementioned DD is being a pain!