To be so anxious about 2 year old starting nursery

[SaltAndPeppaPig]

I was going to post this in Childcare, but thought it would get more traffic in AIBU...

I'm a SAHM to DD who turned two at the end of November - since she's been born she's probably been out of my care for about 3 hours max...and it didn't go very well! She's not particularly clingy, she's just only used to being with me or her dad (but mainly me, as DH works 12 hour days) I suffer with depression and anxiety, so my life is really insular, I don't go out much, and find a strict routine with DD works best for us. I don't have any support from family or friends.

Lately my DH has suggested putting her into nursery for 2 half days a week, to give me a small break and to also get her used to other children and prepare her for school. I totally agree with this, as I don't have any friends that have young children, and tend to avoid places like soft play. DD has a 4 year old step-sister, who she adores, but they only get every-other-weekend together.

We went to view a lovely nursery yesterday, great ofsted report, amazing staff, lots of activities and they take the children's development really seriously - so I'm confident that this is the best nursery for her, plus it is only a 5 minute walk away from where we live - so everything is perfect really...

The only problem is, I'm SO worried about how she's going to react to this new change. She was silent and scared just looking round the place, and clung to my hand the whole time. I felt really overwhelmed by the whole thing, and actually cried when we got back in the car!! I'm desperate for a break, but I don't know if I can bring myself to make this massive change and let her go! I really want to do this, I know it is the best for her. And to be honest, after looking after her (mainly) by myself for 2 solid years I would love to have some actual time back for myself - I think I've "lost" myself a bit since she's been born... she's so in love with me (and vice versa) I feel guilty as hell to be leaving her with strangers, especially when I don't technically "have" to use childcare.

I just know she's going to go wild and scream for me when I leave her as it's so far out of her comfort zone! I didn't mean for this to be so long so thanks if you got this far... I am hoping I can get some advice from others who have been through the same thing, right now I feel like a pathetic excuse for a mother - I want to get a grip and make this new experience a positive one for us both!

If you're dd is with you all the time, and not going to playgroups etc, the nursery environment will be unsettling for her as she's not use to all the noise and commotion.

Could you perhaps attend a few playgroups/softplay/rhyme time with her for a few weeks in order to build up to her being left at nursery.

If it's any consolidation, my dd was quite clingy with me the few months before she turned 2 but after the summer holiday (and a lot of time stuck with just me as playgroups were all cancelled over the summer) she shot off and pretty much ignored me for the next 1.5 hours the first time we returned to playgroup.

Hi there,

I'm going to go against the grain here - and suggest maybe you shouldn't do it. My reasons - I had a similar experience when I visited a nursery. Second child arriving very close to the first and I thought it would give me a break. After lots of reading about research done there seems quite a lot of evidence to suggest that cortisol (nicknamed the stress hormone) rises in children placed in institutions IE not with their attachment figures at a young age. Now, this doesn't mean that nurseries are 'bad' that sometimes we have to use them, and that often they can provide lots of good things for kids (routine, social stimulation, safe play areas etc) and obviously good nurseries for parents who work are vital. However I think there is a good reason why people report that three seems the 'right' or a good age to start with some nursery - children become more social and capable of playing 'with' each other rather than just side by side. In other words their world opens up a bit and they embark on the journey of becoming the social creatures that they / we are.
After visiting this nursery which was perfectly nice I went with my gut instinct and left it until my child was older. I'm so glad I did. When it was time for them to go to nursery both my kids went without clinging to me and didn't experience any anxiety about being left. I started slowly with mornings until 4 years.

I could have done with some time out so decided instead to use the sure start and church playgroups to build up their confidence and meet other people in a gentle way. It meant my two young children had me there but also experienced circle time, snack time and songs and activities. Also these sessions were mostly free. I'm sure there are places around you - start by googling sure start or playgroups near your postcode. Often they are very friendly and relaxed. Making it part of our routine to go a couple of times a week helped to provide variety to the home setting.

If you can't find this sort of thing close by I would use the nursery money to fund a few classes - plenty of music classes, soft play gym classes. Even one of two a week will help you get out a little. You have plenty of time to prepare her for school but for your own happiness and your child's it might be nice to explore the world a little with each other. If you are prone to anxiety it may be better to try this approach rather than nursery. I'm a very confident person usually but leaving my child at 2 at a nursery made me feel anxious. Listen to your instincts.

P.S if you can afford it it might be worth cultivating some nice babysitters. They would allow you a few hours to yourself or to go out with your partner. I was super cautious about this (as I had no idea what to expect) and used to trial my babysitters by staying around the house for the first time. Slightly painful to pay for but it did mean that when I left the child/ren with them I trusted them and goodbyes were much easier. I found this helped a lot to reassure me that my kids were happy (as well as referencing the sitters of course). Being a SAHM can be very isolating and sometimes just the company or knowing you have some backstops that your DD knows in case of emergency is very reassuring

Nursey sounds both lovely and convenient. A few tears are inevitable on the kid's part... I really think you need to conceal yours as it will be noted by her. Two mornings a week sounds a good start. But whether you do nursery this year or next year, you absolutely have to start getting out daily to parks, playgrounds, libraries, swimming pool etc especially if your child is not seeing relatives or other children.

My advice would be to split the days up. If you send her in for example Monday and Tuesday it's a long time again till Monday comes back around again! She might think it's all over with and then she's there again!

My son has learning difficulties and lacked basic social skills he's been going to playgroup since he turned 2 and he's 3 in a couple of weeks. It took him 3 long months to settle (Mon,wed and Fri mornings) but now he loves it.

My middle daughter was like that at 2, and she absolutely hated nursery at that stage. Eventually they gently suggested I take her out and try again when she was 3.

We did exactly that, and she loved nursery at 3.

She's now a very confident 14 year old. She just wasn't ready at 2.

See how it goes, hide your fears, but keep communicating with the staff. She might get used to nursery or it might not work at all yet.

Children do seem to start nursery very early in the UK, I guess because there's this pressure to have them ready for school at 4. They don't start school till 5/6 here, so it's pretty normal for them to start playgroup 2 mornings a week at age 3, then 3 mornings a week at age 4.

On the other hand, if all they sense is positivity, if they are ready then they'll dive right in.

...and if they're not ready they won't, speaking from experience...

Well exactly but if they are not settling in you'll know that it is they who are not ready and not the parental vibes.

I totally sympathise - I'm a childminder and usually it's the parents that are more upset then the children in the beginning! I would suggest beforehand do some settling in sessions, have lots of positive conversations about being a big girl going to nursery, read stories about starting school, make it an exciting prospect for her. When you drop her off say goodbye then leave her to it - ive found the longer the parent waits around the more anxious the child becomes. Usually the child will settle fairly quickly and start to have fun. Be prepared for her to cry at drop off for a while. I find usually the tears do not last very long as good childcare providers will give cuddles and reassurance whilst trying to gently distract by reading stories, playing with toys, puzzles etc. Good luck

This is what I've struggled with as she's got older, and more in tune with "the mood" I may be in or the type of emotions I show.. I love being so close to her and since becoming a mum I feel like I can be my "real" self when I'm with my DD (as in not self conscious like I am out in the world), but obviously now she is more aware I have to remember to filter out the bad shit and tbh I find the whole happy clappy mummy thing odd and it doesn't come naturally to me

Again, thanks to everyone for your opinions and insights, I found being a mum pretty easy in the first two years (I was way too lucky, she was an amazing baby, good sleeper, never ill etc) so these new phase is a bit "reality bites"!!