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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM, babysitting and the jumperoo

58 replies

SugarPlumpFairie · 06/01/2018 09:42

I had to leave my 6mo DD the other day as I had to go to a meeting that wouldn't have been appropriate to bring her along to. My DM very kindly offered to have her for a few hours. I had to concerns as she's looked after her several times before with no issue and they have a good relationship.

When I picked up DD after the meeting, my mum was eager to show me videos and pictures of her having fun in a jumperoo. I have told my mother several times that I don't want to use a jumper for her because of lots of research showing it's not great for babies hip development. It transpires that she'd gone out and bought a second hand one anyway behind my back.

When I expressed how annoyed I was that she'd ignored my wishes, she tried to justify herself by showing and saying how much of a great time DD had. For me though that's not the point, it's more so that she ignored my express wishes for DD not to use one and the reasons behind why I made that decision.

AIBU to be really annoyed that she's effectively ignored my parenting choice and to worry about trusting her to babysit again? I'm prepared to be told I'm overreacting about my pfb.

I don't want this to turn in to a debate about using or not using baby bouncers, you go for whatever works for you and your child, it's just not for me.

OP posts:

FloatyFlo · 06/01/2018 10:11

NeedsAsockamnesty

I see what you're saying. It wasn't ignoring me as such - more like didn't realise I was being serious at first? It wasn't malicious. To her it was just a little blob of icing and no big deal. Which it wasn't really.

MissClareRemembers · 06/01/2018 10:17

This reminds me of when we left DS1 with my MIL and I said he could have a dummy only if he was REALLY upset (separation anxiety). When we got back the dummy was firmly in his mouth but apparently he hadn’t been upset he “just wanted his dummy”. MIL has taken lots of photos during our absence too and the dummy was in his mouth in every single pic. At the time i was really annoyed...

...but now, years later, I realise it was a one off and no harm was done. MIL lives too far away for regular babysitting. And it was free childcare. She was doing us a favour.

But most importantly, she had managed to successfully raise 3 children of her own. Yes, different times with different rules etc but nonetheless she still parented children!

Pick your battles. You’ve got YEARS of this stuff to get through.

Original poster

SugarPlumpFairie · 06/01/2018 10:18

Thanks for all the replies.

I think most of you are right. Whilst it's really quite annoying that she's ignored what I've said, it's not been done maliciously.
I think pizza is right. She's done it because she wants DD to enjoy it and to see her happy. Perhaps if I suggest she might be better spending her money on a nice play mat as DD isn't rolling yet, and this would better help with her development. Although I'm not sure whether she can return the jumper if she's used it?

I don't want to fall out with DM over it, but I just hope that I can trust her with other decisions I make for DD. We do generally have similar parenting philosophies, so will just need to wait and see and hope she respects me when we have a difference of opinions.

OP posts:

Beamur · 06/01/2018 10:19

I can sympathise with your annoyance. If your Mum continues to undermine your requests (which are motivated by the best interests for your child) But..keep it in perspective and bear in mind she'll be less aware of current thinking on certain issues than you. She loves your baby and annoyances aside, this is a special relationship between them.
My Mum used to look after DD 2 days a week when I went back to work and in many small ways she was a disobedient and subversive Granny and my DD loved this and was secretly quite thrilled by it!! Sadly my Mum passed away when DD was 8 and I'm still hearing the odd mildly horrifying bit of detail...

HettySunshine · 06/01/2018 10:25

In my opinion it's not whether or not the jumper was good or bad for the baby which is the issue. The issue is that the op specifically told her dm she didn't want her baby to go in a jumper and her dm went out and BOUGHT ONE behind her back and used it against her Express wishes.

Seems very controlling to me.

Paperdolly · 06/01/2018 10:30

DM was doing her a favour. Free babysitting. The only way to have 'total control' over your child is to pack in work and become a helicopter mum.

Then wait for the backlash in the teenage years!!!

Notevilstepmother · 06/01/2018 10:31

I totally get what you are saying about her ignoring you.

However I don’t think you should worry, the concerns around jumpers and walkers is when children are left in them for long periods.

Maybe a compromise would be ask your mum to set the kitchen timer for 10minutes only?

Homemenu1 · 06/01/2018 10:33

Swap DM for MIL and I bet the responses would be different

Thetreesareallgone · 06/01/2018 10:41

I don't think it's fine at all to buy products you have specifically been asked not to buy and use with a 6 month old. If you said 'no dummies' and she went out and specifically got a dummy and used it on a baby, it's not ok.

It doesn't matter what the equipment is, when you look after a child, you try to do what the parent asked, within reason.

This wasn't a 'I made a common sense decision as mum wasn't around to ask' type of judgement call, it was a 'I've been told not to but going to do it anyway' one.

Not ok, my MIL did things like this and I didn't leave her to care for the children on her own as she couldn't be trusted to put their welfare first or follow the really basic instructions about feeding/keeping children safe. I don't remotely regret that decision or feel it was all driven by them being PFB, I'm glad they got to the teenage years in one piece!

ZoopDragon · 06/01/2018 10:42

I think you're being a bit dramatic. Your mum was kind to babysit and buy something your DD would love. There's no hard evidence to suggest it's bad for their hips, provided it's set to the correct height and you stick to 30 mins at a time.

My DD loved the jumparoo, it was the only thing that cheered her up at that age. And good exercise. They're very popular so I can see why your mum bought one. She may have forgotten you were against them.

SleepFreeZone · 06/01/2018 10:43

I would have been pissed off too that she'd gone out and purchased something if expressly asked her not to and the reasons why.

diddl · 06/01/2018 10:45

It sounds as if she wanted your daughter to have a jumper, you didn't & she bought & used one at the first chance.

Sneaky!

Would it have been too difficult to entertain your daughter for a few hours without one?

Loonoonow · 06/01/2018 10:53

I saw your comment about DD not rolling yet, try not to worry about encouraging or accelerating her development. My DD rolled once when she was about 8 months old. The look of horror on her face made me and my mum laugh out loud. She burst into tears and never did it again. I worried a lot about that and the fact that she never pulled herself up on the furniture to walk around like other children did. The first time she walked she was about 18 months old when she casually got up and toddled over to get a toy that was out of reach as if she had been doing it for months. I think she was just naturally cautious and didn't want to do anything until she was quite confident. She is still cautious but also an award winning dancer and a qualified fitness instructor so her 'slow' physical development didn't have any long term ill effects.

Milestones are just estimates of averages and some babies will be ahead of the curve and some miles behind. You can torment yourself and your child by expecting them to meet a non-existent target or you can accept that every child is different and they will get there when they are ready.

Incidentally I would have been upset about the bouncer too, but a few minutes a week won't hurt her hips and they do love them.

Notevilstepmother · 06/01/2018 11:04

I’m not saying in any way you should or ought to compromise btw, not unless you want to. It just a possible choice for you if you think it’s right.

SparkleFizz · 06/01/2018 11:06

This would bother me.

I’ve got no concerns about jumperoos themselves, we used to have one ourselves, and I think they’re fine in short doses.
BUT, I would be concerned about a grandparent so blatantly ignoring my wishes about how my child should be cared for. And she’s gone to some effort to ignore OPs wishes, it’s not like she already had a jumperoo lying around from previous grandchildren and popped baby in it on the spur of the moment.

I’d be worrying about whether I could trust her to listen to and to follow my guidelines for my child in the future TBH. And the justifications instead of apologies wouldn’t do anything to reassure me either.

ontheedge99 · 06/01/2018 11:06

Ah I recall feeling these things.....

BertieBotts · 06/01/2018 11:07

I also think this is concerning.

I love jumperoos and think they are great but it's not the point - for example I don't like baby walkers whereas my DM thought they were brilliant. I would have been upset if she had gone and bought a baby walker to use at her house specifically because I said I didn't like them.

DearShirt · 06/01/2018 11:14

Chill.

Original poster

SugarPlumpFairie · 06/01/2018 11:18

Loonoonow I'm not too concerned about her development as I know they all do things in their own time. I do think however encouraging her isn't a bad thing, and she can't roll if she's in a bouncer.

DearShirt how is your comment helpful?

OP posts:

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/01/2018 11:33

I would also be v v annoyed.

I think you need to have strong words along the lines of - I am very upset about the jumperoo. you may not agree with me or my parenting style, but I need to be able to trust you to follow my wishes when you are looking after DD, otherwise I'm afraid that I won't be willing to leave her alone with you.

FWIW, my MIL was insistent on getting DS a jumperoo. I said no for the same reasons as you. She huffed and puffed a lot about it - and she always reacts badly when I mention research - I think she doesn't like to be reminded she doesn't know everything. so I changed tactic and said, I don't think DS will get much use out of that etc will you buy x instead? Worked a treat.

But I had constant battles with both DM and MIL about what they wanted to do versus my wishes and I ended up just getting blunter and blunter with them. They still do things against my wishes but I have always picked my battles. The jumperoo was worth making a point about IMO

simonisnotme · 06/01/2018 11:36

Ok so she went behind your back and bought a jumperoo which is sneaky but she thought your DD would like and she obviously did so all you need to say is that your not happy about going against your wishes and to not use it for more than half an hour or so.
As for not rolling if shes in it, shes not rolling if shes in your arms, pushchair, car seat etc, a little bit of bouncing is not going to cause development issues if its used for 30 or so minutes at a time as and when your mom looks after her

GinIsIn · 06/01/2018 11:46

The thing is, you are being a bit daft about the jumperoo - it’s only damaging to their hips if they are left in for long periods - so you do need to take into account the fact you are being PFB.

Thymeout · 06/01/2018 12:36

I think mums need to bear in mind that it's not as easy for granny to look after their baby as it is for them. Babies are often more difficult to entertain if they're not with their usual carer. At the same time, mums can put up with a bit of whinging because they know the baby loves them and they have plenty of happy times together. But a granny only has a couple of hours and she wants it to be a totally positive experience for her grandchild so that she's building up relationship that baby enjoys as much as she does.

I don't think DM should have gone behind your back, but she probably didn't see why you were so against jumperoos and thought you'd change your mind if you saw how much the baby enjoyed it. I can remember many a long afternoon with a 6 month old when I'd have given my right arm for a fun activity like that when we were both bored to death with peep-bo or patacake. At that age, they don't do anything for long. A granny needs more diversions and distractions than you do.

wasMissD · 06/01/2018 12:56

Your baby, your rules. She should respect that, whether she agrees or not.
Reminds me of my friend whose PIL used to feed her toddler Wotsits even though she was dead against it.

BertieBotts · 06/01/2018 12:58

The jumperoo concern might be daft but it doesn't matter, really - there was a thread recently about a MIL who had fed the baby custard to get it to sleep despite the parents being very clear they weren't interested in starting solids yet!

If she's willing to go directly against wishes then it's concerning.

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