Would you be offended by this?

[DidIgetitwrong]

Early 2017 my MIL was diagnosed coeliac. It's been really tough for her adjusting her entire life particularly as FIL has to have gluten in his diet for his own medical reasons.

MIL gets two christmas presents from us, one for me and DH and one from DD (whose 2). DH decided to make some shortbread from us, gluten free which I thought was really thoughtful.

I don't know much about coeliacs so decided to avoid MIL having a reaction or not being able to use her present from DD I'd get some nice toiletries which were gluten free (took a bit of research but I found them) and some nice candles with the letters on which spell out what DD calls MIL --would out me so can't say what she calls her-.

DD was very happy, helped me wrap it and on Christmas Day handed over the present. I was really pleased with myself. DD is PILs only grandchild so I like to show her how to buy thoughtful gifts as they spend a lot on DD buying her something nice that she will love.

Was telling a friend about it today and she said that I'd have made MIL feel stupid and inferior as I bought separate toiletries and I should of just got her some normal stuff and let her choose if she uses it or not. Apparently she'd have been both gutted and offended by the gift and would have returned the stuff unused to the shops or sent it to a charity shop.

I feel really gutted I may have offended my lovely MIL as that was not my intention she will know I chose the present from DD as she's too little to do so herself and I do all the shopping

So AIBU to have done this? And would you be offended if it was your DIL/DGD?

Is your friend a coeliac? It seems very odd that you're listening to her opinion over MIL's reaction otherwise.
If your MIL was a diabetic would you buy her a bar of Dairy Milk and 'give her the choice'?

I'm Coeliac. Although GF toiletries isn't necessary, I'd have been touched that someone cared enough about me to seek them out. You're friend is an idiot.

Note; the only beauty products we need to worry about are anything that we may get in our mouths: shampoo, conditioner, lip products, any 'face spray' type stuff (like a foundation setter). I use certain products that have oat derivatives and I just make sure I wash my hands after I apply them.

I think you may want to have a think about whether your friend is really a friend.

To make such a belittling and mean comment about an incredibly carefully chosen, thoughtful gift is very unpleasant and has caused you totally unecessary worry.

Your, not you're.

Both my OH and his mum are coeliacs and I have never heard of gluten free toiletries? Are they a thing?

Your friend is a complete twat. Find friends with bigger brains, it shouldn’t be be difficult!

Gluten free toiletries really aren’t necessary unless she has specific reason for it or is likely to eat them instead of shower with them!

It was a lovely, thoughtful present, don’t give it another thought.

Your friend is odd! My MIL has very sensitive skin so if we buy her toiletries we buy the ones we know she can use - that’s totally normal behaviour, why would you buy someone something you know they didn’t like or couldn’t use? Did your friend have an issue with the candles too?

Gluten in toiletries isn’t something I was aware of.

But I think, if I was in your MILs position, I’d be very touched that you’d been thoughtful enough to consider my diagnosis and go to the extra effort to seek out gluten free products. Regardless of whether it’s necessary for toiletries or not.

Your friend sounds toxic.

Yes friend is also coeliac.

I bought the toiletries as I wasn't sure if skin reacts to it as well, it was honestly bought with the best of intentions.

I would actually be more put out if you had bought me something that I couldn't use. I think that you were being very thoughtful.

Your friend sounds horrid. Does she often try to find fault with things you do?
Can't speak for coeliac but I have excema and would much prefer for people to get me special toiletries I can use than have stuff go to waste.
Even if she didn't NEED gluten free toiletries they wouldn't harm her so why would she have to donate them? Your friend sounds like she was being plain nasty!

Hi OP, DC and I are both coeliac. Yes, we have had Drs tell us to avoid products with gluten in them, so I for one am completely impressed with your research and your determination to find safe toiletries for your MIL! People saying that it wasn't necessary are forgetting that everyone reacts differently and some people are more sensitive than others. DC and I are very sensitive, so we avoid all gluten products. We both would be so thrilled and overwhelmed if that kind of due diligence was used to purchase a gift for us. You are a truly wonderful and thoughtful person!!

I’m impressed by your gifts and pretty sure MiL will be too! Ignore friend on this matter. Have a chat with MiL so you know what’s best for next time.

No, it is not at all offensive to buy someone a thoughtful gift!

I thought your friend was being really mean and negative to you but then I read that she also has coeliac disease so maybe rather than being intentionally rude, she is feeling self conscious about her condition and wouldn't want to be treated differently. However she shouldn't project those feelings onto you and your MIL. It was so thoughtful of you to be careful and considerate with your gift and it sounds like your MIL really appreciated it. Why on earth would she give them away? Even if she doesn't need her toiletries to be gluten free, she can still use them if they are! Sounds like your friend has issues, don't let her impose them on you. You didn't do anything wrong.

It's very thoughtful of you but, as a coeliac, I can tell you that there is no need to buy your MIL 'gluten-free' toiletries. If she had a wheat allergy that showed up on her skin then she would have to avoid toiletries with wheat in them but as a coeliac she only needs to worry about the ingested gluten. Basically, unless she's drinking shampoo, it's not a problem

However, you did this in a thoughtful way with good intentions so I can't imagine she's offended. At worst, she might have possibly been bemused since gf toiletries aren't necessary but offended? I just can't see how

Yes, I agree with Milennial re. your friend maybe having her own issues about being coeliac - but SHE shouldn't project her own issues onto anyone ELSE with coeliac.

I knew someone at school who had type I diabetes but he got very upset if anyone ever referred to it, or tried to suggest he shouldn't eat or drink something that was bound to raise their sugar levels (he was a bit of a drinker in 6th form and was forever having troubles with his sugar levels because he'd have too much to drink). He'd have been offended if anything specific to his diabetes had been bought for him.

But that still doesn't mean that your friend is correct about your MIL (although you now know that SHE doesn't want anything gluten free from you!) - so either ask your MIL to set your mind at rest or accept that most people would be grateful and touched that you had gone to so much trouble for them and your friend has issues.

Get new friends.

Yanbu. Your friend is being weird.

YANBU

You did a lovely thing.

Your friend is an idiot.

Your friend is as mad as a box of frogs!

🐸 🐸 🐸

As your friend is a coeliac herself, this does shed a different light on her comments.

I think it’s possible that some coeliacs (presumably including your friend) wouldn’t like this gift and would think “I’m still a normal person, there’s no need for me to use weird toiletries”. However, there’s no reason at all to believe your MIL thinks this too - I agree with Thumb that your friend is projecting her own issues.

Capelin
If that’s her reasoning, it’s still really wierd. She is a normal person. Arent we all. I know I am. 🤪

Your friend is being weird, it sounds like she's projecting her own feelings onto your MIL, unless they are very close friends how would she know what your MIL will think.