DH messaging other woman

[fmlidkwtd]

Found out before Christmas that DH had been messaging another woman. Had it out with him and he promised there was nothing more to it, he would stop, he felt awful for making me feel bad etc etc. Have found out tonight he is still messaging her (surprise surprise). What should I do?

love u isnt sexual?

if its not u his family or a very close friend then no yanbu

I don't believe people text "love you" unless things are already well beyond texting.

Especially when at least one party is married so saying "love you" is fairly significant.

I'd say more haha love you ( I was looking at it upside down)

This is true Carbohol my boyfriend sends messages like the former to his best female friends and very occasionally the latter. But he doesn’t hide it and I started a relationship with him knowing about both women (1 of whom is a lesbian so is not a threat in that way at all) and met them and there is no vibe at all.

I’ve learnt to be wary by my ex and the female “friends” he would accumulate after I got with him. He was secretive too. And I never got to meet them even tho “you’d really like her!” I swear these types are such a cliche it’s embarrassing.

At least I hope it was

Id want to see all messages, if he refuses then there is obviously something hes hiding. If this was me i would read every message and then go mental if i was unhappy with what was being said.
Is other woman married/in relationship? Does she respond to his affections at all?

Sorry that was an add on to previous post!

I’d confront the woman, not saying that is the right thing to do, but it’s what I did. She might be horrified at your assumptions, or (like with me), explain how she knew our relationship was in trouble because of MY affair?! and she was ‘supporting’ him

Id read all the messages and take it from there

I wouldn’t confront the woman. The women (the “friends”) my ex cheated with (at least 3 that I knew about) all had huge egos and no way was I giving them the satisfaction of seeing me vulnerable in any way because of their actions (and his obviously). Pride definitely stopped me and I’m really grateful for that. My sister confronted one of the OW though and she was predictably right up her own arse and her brain appeared to be there too. Stupid cow.

Ditto to demand full disclosure of all messages, take a really strong line here, if he “gets away with it”, he’ll do it again and again

I would want to see the messages. if there's nothing to hide he will show you.

I did meet her after the Christmas debacle and we blamed it on him, but the messaging has started again.

Sorry but he told you he would stop and didn’t even though he ‘felt awful’ for making you feel bad. Whether or not there is anything in it, that alone is reason for you both to have a serious talk.
And the ‘I love you’ comment isn’t on.

You should tell him that you know he’s still messaging this woman. Find out why he feels the need to do this behind your back.

I’m not saying he’s having an affair and should be burned at the stake by mumsnetters but at the same time don’t let him walk all over you. Get some straight answers. If he’s not willing to give them you have to ask yourself ‘can I trust him anymore?’

Definitely make sure you see all of the messages. If he won’t let you then you know what that means. Same if they’re all conveniently deleted.

And yes needless to say if he gets away with it this time he will do it again because he can.

I’d be pretty pissed off and worried that he’s continuing to message her behind your back when he said he’d stop.

If you have spoken to her, has she shown you the messages and how did she seem to react to the conversation? If its all on him then dont let him get away with it

Make sure you look at every message before deciding what to do next.

Read the messages if you can. You can't seriously be trusting these 2? After you've "had it out with her"
They're so damn disrespectful

I have been the 'other woman' in a situation similar to what you describe. He was an ex of sorts, he also had a DD but told me he wasn't involved with the daughter's mum Even so, I stopped texting and mailing and told him to respect the mother of his child. He told me he adored his child, not the mother and spun me a whole web I suppose but I'll never know. He stopped for awhile and then resumed contact under a new name (he had hidden it somehow so it wouldn't appear on his phone if his girlfriend picked it up as she had found the messages and had read all of them) I then realised they were in a relationship and cut him off entirely. I don't think I was the only other woman he contacted and while we weren't sexual, it certainly wasn't innocent either.

Would I trust your DH to stop? Honestly? No. He will just hide it better the next time.

When I first met my DH to be we had been goin out for about 4 months and he sometimes stayed over night at weekend, he 'accidentally' read some of my text , I found this odd but i did not have anything to hide, so was not that worried.
About a week after he asked me was I having a affair , I said no!
he said I must be because of the messages he had seen on my phone , when i asked him to explain he said he had read messages to some one called T saying we would meet for meal / coffee / beer and most times finished the msg by saying I love you,
I could not help but laugh, T is my brothers nick name , and I do love him and tell him often.
make sure you have you facts correct before jumping the gun

Thanks everyone
I've drunk enough gin to get to sleep now so will deal with him in the morning with the power of Mumsnet behind me (and not just thinking I was overreacting)

I'd say more haha love you ( I was looking at it upside down)

If this is the case, then ignore my last post. What I was in was an emotional affair, not a ha ha type thing.

Why the fucking hell do men DO this?

Why?

Absolute cunts. They just love to have their pathetic egos massaged by other women don't they? Saying all the right things to the other woman, making her laugh, making her think he is 'a great bloke !' No he is NOT; he is fucking his long suffering wife about, and destroying her soul.

You can bet they would not tolerate their wife behaving this way with another man. I agree OP, that you should ask him how HE would feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

If any men are reading this, why do you do it?

WHY?!

Why the fucking hell do men DO this?

Why?

Absolute cunts. They just love to have their pathetic egos massaged by other women don't they? Saying all the right things to the other woman, making her laugh, making her think he is 'a great bloke !' No he is NOT; he is fucking his long suffering wife about, and destroying her soul.

You can bet they would not tolerate their wife behaving this way with another man. I agree OP, that you should ask him how HE would feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

If any men are reading this, why do you do it?

WHY?!