AIBU to feel scared to leave a controlling and EA marriage?

[user1499434529]

Posted before about DH not wanting me to work, and had some amazingly supportive replies so thought I'd ask you lovely people for advice again please. I am facing up to the fact that he is very controlling and I've been accepting of his behaviour for so long I didn't know any different.
Don't want to drip feed so here goes (might get long, I'm sorry, I'll try and keep it all as short as possible)
Been together since just before I turned 20 (8 years ago) married for 2, DCs 5 and 4. Only had one proper boyfriend beforehand so I just naively let a lot of what I recognise now as EA behaviour go. He calls me names (fat lazy bi**h- I'm a size 8 but not as toned as before the DCs- stupid, pathetic being his favourite ones) makes me feel awful if I don't do what he says, he genuinely thinks he is always right and never makes any mistakes. Whenever it gets so bad he makes me cry I still end up apologising as he accuses me of being awful and breaking up our marriage.
My DGF passed away this summer and I had to fly abroad for the funeral (4 days) had a massive argument with him saying I'm selfish leaving him and the DCs to go off galavanting, telling the boys how I don't care about them, how my DGF wouldn't care anyway cause he is dead now, and I should have made more effort to see him when he was alive- I saw him as much as I could and loved him dearly.
His behaviour slowly escalated and he developed an awful temper and it was always triggered by the fact that he always wanted me to be home tidying and he ended up grabbing me by the neck and dragging me from the fridge towards the doorway saying "this is the reason you can't work" pointing at the kids (4th of July, won't ever forget the day) whilst the DCs were in the other room because I went for a walk after school run instead of coming straight home.
He keeps saying how I take him for a mug, how he is the only one working even though i have had job offers before which he made me turn down as I had to focus on the house and kids, that was my job. And now that I'm starting on Monday he is moaning that I'm selfish and want to be away from him and the little ones, how I don't love him as much as he loves me, etc.
Haven't told anyone as he will probably deny it as he is great with being the perfect DH in front of other people but he told me the day after my birthday that if I ever did anything or left him I should never feel safe again, then laughed it off as if he made a joke- he wasn't joking.
The DCs are picking up on things and they keep saying daddy is always mean to mummy, I don't want them to be affected by this and I feel like I've had enough but I'm genuinely scared to do anything as I haven't got anywhere to go or anyone to talk to- family lives abroad, all our friends were his friends first as he disapproved of any friendships I tried to make.
I just want to be able to leave as calmly and amicable as possible for the DCs sake but how on earth do I begin?
How did you leave an abusive relationship?
Scared of the repercussions and I'm thinking am I being unreasonable in wanting out, I don't want to break the family for the little ones, if I just do what he wants me to and just keep quiet will they be happy? Struggling and panicking about it all. I want the best for them and worry they'll suffer if we split.
Sorry it's so long, will be very glad of any advice.

They will suffer more if you stay. Find a way to leave. Children in homes where there is abuse are abused themselves.

Are you in the Uk ?

In the UK, yes. I know I have to leave, just worried about how I can do it.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They can give advice and practical help.

Who was your best friend before he pushed all your friends away? Can you tentatively start reaching out to old friends?

Get professional help. Call Women's Aid, Shelter, your health visitor, your GP and tell them everything you have said here.

There is a way out but you have to push through it and never look back. Any half hearted attempts to leave will result in more punishment for you and more abuse for your kids to witness.

It's not too late to save them from it.

Get a bank account he doesn't know about and start saving if possible get new wages directed there and claim there was a payroll delay as a new starter. Get an escape bag kept with a good friend/at work with change of clothes for you and kids. Also have private email account he doesn't know about (and delete browser history after using)
See a solicitor.
Tell family that you can trust that won't tell him that he has been emotionally and violently abusive to you in front of the kids and you want to leave (if you don't think they'll believe/support you, stay quiet till you've left).
Contact woman's aid.
Next time he attacks you, call police.
Be careful. He's escalated to physical attacks. The next could be worse.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I'll try and save as much as I can, get rid of things I don't need. Just want to be happy, feeling trapped now. I need to get a plan put together I think. Worried he will use the kids against me or to hurt me, I find that terrifying.

I think you are quite right to aim for "as amicable as possible" rather than "amicable"... I think if you waited for a time/way of doing things where he would be happy with him leaving I think you will be in he relationship forever. Even where abusive men are the ones to leave they (and normally the OW) will continue to feel deeply agrieved towards their former wives. However, please don't, in trying to be as amicable as possible, give up to much of the things that are important to you in the hopes of appeasing them, I did that with my partner and regretted it as he just saw weakness and continued to believe that I "always had everything my way" when I realized I could just say "no" to his unreasonable demands it was soooo liberating, although I was living in another house by this point so it felt safer to do so.
I also think that, if possible, you should have somewhere you could go to immediately if you needed, even if it's only your friends sofa or parents spare room, even if you are making a longer term leaving plan as well. You need a fast exit strategy for if it all kicks of. And I think you would be totally justified in going to the police about him grabbing you by the neck. I reported a much more minor attack from my partner to the police, although I didn't want to press charges (no point in my case, it would not have resulted in anything other than enraging him) and they recorded it - it might be useful to have a record of what he did in the future and puts you on the polices radar as well.

Oh lovely - I've been where you are.
In the end I ran into the street one night and flagged down a passing police van for help, they ended up locking me in the back of the van to keep him off me, and took me to a friends house, and told me where to go next morning to contact women's aid for help.
XH had taken our son and driven him to XMiLs and left him there "for the night" - DS was 7 months old and XH just rived him out of his cot, plonked him on the back seat of the car without any restraints whatsoever and drove off at speed. I should have got out then but was too scared for my baby and in shock.
I left in my jamas, with nothing, and the following morning my friend went and "picked DS up" - she was a total star and acted as though nothing was wrong, just "I've come for DS, we're going shopping" and luckily XH hadn't told his mother anything was wrong as such, so she handed DS over.
We went to the council housing people who sent us to women's aid refuge and honestly, we NEVER looked back!
Possessions and clothes and "stuff" can be replaced, total strangers can come to be some of the best friends you will ever have, people WILL believe you, and help you, and YOU CAN DO IT!
You are NOT stupid, or weak, or useless, or a bad mother, or any of the other shit he has filled your head with - you are stronger than you know, and even if you literally walk out of there with a child under each arm in the clothes on your backs, you will make it and it will be better! I Promise.
You and your children are worth more and deserve more and it will all work out, just be strong.

Forgot to say, email copies of important documents to your new email. Kids birth certificate, passports, mortgage docs, wedding certificate. A copy of his payslip if possible.
Also e-mail yourself (when safe) after every incident, who saw it, what happened, what triggered it etc.
Another route is to tell the school head teacher when you're ready to leave. (Tell them, tell them, tell them). Get emotional support for your kids.

Great advice here. I would also say, don't warn or threaten him with your plans. Start taking steps silently and secretly.

There is good practical advice there. If you ring out go to your local women's centre or women's aid while he's at work and kids are at school they will help you develop a solid plan for leaving. They are experts at it.

I'd add to the advice collect any evidence you have of his controlling behaviour (texts emails, anything written etc) as this might be important later.

I just saw that last thing you wrote about separating as amicably as possible...

I'd be wary of trying that. The man is abusive, he's already been physical to you when he's feared losing control and he's done so in front of tbf children. He's also openly attempted to manipulate the children against you. I'm afraid trying amicably isn't going to work and if you tell him you're planning to leave you and the kids will be in danger.

You are doing absolutely the right thing for you and the children. They deserve not to see their fathers behaviour towards you.

Nothing to add you've great advice here but just wanted to wish you the very best.

It was one of scariest days of my life but also one of the best. Called my local Women’s aid weeks before (google your town and Women’s aid and it will give you the local WAs number) and they started the ball rolling and got me out. Left while he was at work on a night shift taking the DC with me. It was nerve wracking and I had to be so careful getting documents together before I left incase he realised things were missing but once we were safely in refuge they didn’t hang about. Solicitor came out to sort out the non molestation order, prohibitive steps order (to stop their dad picking them up from school/childcare) and while there have been a lot of ups and downs over the last year or so it’s all worth it. And it will be for you too when you’re free. Good luck!

Get out ASAP. His behaviour will get worse and your children will become pawns. They will also start to believe that this dysfunctional relationship is 'the norm' - you don't say what sex your children are, but if you have a DD do you want her to think that's an ok way for a woman to be treated? Or a DS to think this is the way to behave towards a woman? I got out of an EA relationship and the relief is immense - not having that sick, anxious feeling anymore, waiting for him to start on you. And EA relationships often lead to physically abusive relationships, once he realises that his words no longer have the desired affect. My relationship started showing signs of this - thowing things at me, kicking things at me. I remember there was an advert in a magazine about EA relationships: it was one of these 'if you can tick yes to one of these statements, then you are in an EA relationship' ... I could tick them all. Please get out, it really is the best thing you can do for yourself and your DC - you all deserve to be happy.

I would also second about the trying to be amicable bit ... I tried this: one minute he was crying and begging me to come back: as soon as I said no as gently as possible, I was the biggest bitch going. He started telling mutual acquaintances that I was physically attacking him (!) and that I was having an affair. I'm not sure when he thought I was having this affair since not only did we live together, we worked together and we never went out! Your OH has had years of experience in how to push your buttons and manipulate you: he will try and get you to go back. I only dealt with my ex when absolutely necessary and usually through a solicitor.

I’d believe you. Contact women’s aid!

Please make plans to escape that toxic relationship but do not tell him. This is not love, it is cruelty. You and your children deserve better. Please dont let them grow up thinking this is normal whereby the cycle is endlessly repeated. I am sure others will be able to advise as to who to make contact with for support and guidance. Take care x

Contact woman’s aid. Do you have any family or friends nearby you can stay with? Also please take the kids with you.

You have to leave, those children deserve to be away from this abuse.

Whilst they are young will be the best time to do it, they won't remember it as much, when they are 11 and 10 they will already have witnessed more EA and physical if he is grabbing you by the thought.

Be clever, get your ducks in a row, ask for support. Do you have any family you can talk to?

Sorry throat, silly predictive text.

You are all so lovely, thank you for giving me hope that I can do this. I'm going to contact Women's aid when he is at work and see what they advise.
Can I call the police to report his behaviour( the physical stuff) after it's been a few months now? I told my sister about how he behaves and what he says and she said that it's my fault for "teaching" him it's ok to do it as I never stood up to him.
What will happen to custody for the boys?
Sorry to hear some of you have gone through the same situations and thank you again for sharing that it gets better, I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is ok behaviour.

Also make sure that he doesn’t know any of your passwords: can’t log into your phone or pc etc.

told my sister about how he behaves and what he says and she said that it's my fault for "teaching" him it's ok to do it as I never stood up to him
It is NEVER your fault when being abused

The family is you and the kids. This psycho sperm donor is not part of it and needs to be removed from the situation. A bad parent does damage down the generations, get your kids away with you, the good parent.

Good luck - think of the relief when you are away from him.