AIBU to feel scared to leave a controlling and EA marriage?

[user1499434529]

Posted before about DH not wanting me to work, and had some amazingly supportive replies so thought I'd ask you lovely people for advice again please. I am facing up to the fact that he is very controlling and I've been accepting of his behaviour for so long I didn't know any different.
Don't want to drip feed so here goes (might get long, I'm sorry, I'll try and keep it all as short as possible)
Been together since just before I turned 20 (8 years ago) married for 2, DCs 5 and 4. Only had one proper boyfriend beforehand so I just naively let a lot of what I recognise now as EA behaviour go. He calls me names (fat lazy bi**h- I'm a size 8 but not as toned as before the DCs- stupid, pathetic being his favourite ones) makes me feel awful if I don't do what he says, he genuinely thinks he is always right and never makes any mistakes. Whenever it gets so bad he makes me cry I still end up apologising as he accuses me of being awful and breaking up our marriage.
My DGF passed away this summer and I had to fly abroad for the funeral (4 days) had a massive argument with him saying I'm selfish leaving him and the DCs to go off galavanting, telling the boys how I don't care about them, how my DGF wouldn't care anyway cause he is dead now, and I should have made more effort to see him when he was alive- I saw him as much as I could and loved him dearly.
His behaviour slowly escalated and he developed an awful temper and it was always triggered by the fact that he always wanted me to be home tidying and he ended up grabbing me by the neck and dragging me from the fridge towards the doorway saying "this is the reason you can't work" pointing at the kids (4th of July, won't ever forget the day) whilst the DCs were in the other room because I went for a walk after school run instead of coming straight home.
He keeps saying how I take him for a mug, how he is the only one working even though i have had job offers before which he made me turn down as I had to focus on the house and kids, that was my job. And now that I'm starting on Monday he is moaning that I'm selfish and want to be away from him and the little ones, how I don't love him as much as he loves me, etc.
Haven't told anyone as he will probably deny it as he is great with being the perfect DH in front of other people but he told me the day after my birthday that if I ever did anything or left him I should never feel safe again, then laughed it off as if he made a joke- he wasn't joking.
The DCs are picking up on things and they keep saying daddy is always mean to mummy, I don't want them to be affected by this and I feel like I've had enough but I'm genuinely scared to do anything as I haven't got anywhere to go or anyone to talk to- family lives abroad, all our friends were his friends first as he disapproved of any friendships I tried to make.
I just want to be able to leave as calmly and amicable as possible for the DCs sake but how on earth do I begin?
How did you leave an abusive relationship?
Scared of the repercussions and I'm thinking am I being unreasonable in wanting out, I don't want to break the family for the little ones, if I just do what he wants me to and just keep quiet will they be happy? Struggling and panicking about it all. I want the best for them and worry they'll suffer if we split.
Sorry it's so long, will be very glad of any advice.

Woman's aid will probably be able to advise you about reporting to the police. Unless someone on here can give you any more information.

Custody will depend on mediation or through the courts. He may want shared custody, he might buggar off and show no interest in his kids. You will know more than anyone else.

There is a divorce/separation thread on here, they will have lots of advice and knowledge.

But you shouldnt stay with a man that grabs you by the throat. This is NEVER acceptable.

A man that isn't sorry for the loss of your GF and isnt phoning you saying "how is the funeral, are you ok? We are fine don't worry about us" is an aresohole.

I'm starting to see how this is most definitely not normal and I shouldn't allow it to happen, especially for the wellbeing of the boys. The scary thing is thinking ahead and planning it all without being caught.

At the moment he has access to all passwords, my phone, he even insisted and installed an app on my phone to monitor all my phone use. I refused and deleted it after (that caused arguments too, saying how I am worried he will find something, it's for my own good to show me how much time I actually spend on my phone etc.) I don't know how if I suddenly change this status quo he will catch on that something is happening and I'm planning to leave.

Dreading this but I want and need to get away for my own sanity. Lost count of the amount of times I've felt like I'm going crazy, that there's something wrong with me.

He drummed into me that I'm lucky to have everything I need, that I should feel grateful and now struggling with the idea that I'm being awful for wanting to leave. I'm not, am I?

the time when you leave and after you leave can be a very dangerous time indeed, perpetrators realise they are losing control.. try not to let him know what you are planning. I did the freedom programme and one of the rules was don't tell anyone to leave if at all possible plan carefully. The women running the programme also helped women planning to leave and afterwards, with all the fallout from that.
I'd really recommend going along to a group if possible, you can go when you are still with him or after. It will also help you recognise warning signs, if you meet someone else, there were women there who'd been in several violent relationships and they felt as if they would be much better able to spot the warning signs if they met someone else

You are not awful for wanting to leave, you are working towards reaching a safe and loving environment for you and your DCs. Do not be grateful towards a man who abuses you. Can you buy a really cheap phone to hide with a PAYG SIM card if he monitors your phone use and looks at your calls?

Wishing you the best user

You are not being awful for wanting to leave.

I would never stay with a man that called me a fat lazy bitch.
I would never stay with a man that grabbed me by the throat
I would never stayed with a man that gave me grief for going to a family members funeral.

He has done ALL 3! You are more than allowed to leave, you should leave.

And I bet there any more more examples of his EA towards you.

That bit about keeping any evidence you have of controlling behaviour. It's important for 2 reasons.
1 - you asked about custody of the kids. If he goes to try for it your argument will be based on the fact that you are the person who has brought them up so far (including at his demand) and b he's been emotionally and physically abusive. Any evidence will support this and demonstrate the risk he might pose to the children in terms of trying to manipulate, etc.

2 - Going to the police. Whether the physical incident can be proven or not I don't know but I recommend writing everything down including that and going to the police. The way he has treated you amounts to coercive control which is a criminal offence. Read this page.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

With some evidence to support it (e.g your phone will probably show that it had that app installed, his devices will show logging into your passwords, and texts and emails you have etc) they might be able to convict him or at the very least the fact you went to the police and got all your evidence together will help in a custody court case if that ever happens.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Do you have an orginisation near you called harbour at all? Theyre a fantastic charity who do amazing work to help people in dv situations. Have you heard of the freedom programme before? Harbour are facilitators of this and it sounds like something you could really benefit from. There is also a book of it by the creator of the programme, Pat Craven, Living with the dominator. There are many great organisations to help you safeguard you and the dc in these situations. No one should have to live scared and be emotionaly/physically abused. Stay safe OP and sending hugs xx

Yes you can talk to the police. They can do an assessment with you that ascertains the danger you are in and will do things like put an emergency response on your home phone number. They were brilliant. It doesn't have to have just happened.

Thank you everyone again, you have been a tremendous help! I'll look into harbour and the freedom programme, haven't heard of it before.

I have written down some of the stuff he has done, a bit like a diary spanning months now more to calm me down and so I can look back and not think I imagined it all as he is very good at making me feel like it never happened and that I'm wrong.

He would go for as much custody as possible as he had said before that I will never take his kids away from him.

I'm not sure how my phone will show the app as it was deleted as soon as he installed, he put his own thumbprint on my phone to be able to unlock it and has read my messages on social media and made me delete my most used one as I wouldn't post a "look at my wonderful husband" post about him on there.

How on earth have I let him get away with so much for so long I do not know. I think feeling trapped and reliant on him as I had no funds to leave blurred my mind and made me think it would change, etc.

I'm slowly putting my life in order now with all your wonderful advice, it's so helpful knowing I'm doing the right thing, thank you all for your kindness and support!

Good luck with the next step.

Keep posting for support, there is a wealth of knowledge in these mumsnet walls.