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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Live in a big house with nice garden but no community, or move to a small house with no garden in better community. Or am I missing something?

66 replies

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 18:59

I know I'm missing something and just looking for your experiences and advice. I currently own and live alone (well with one small child) in a lovely and big house with a big sunny garden on the fringes of Brighton. I absolutely love the house, not because it's big but because it has a lovely feel (light, airy and homely) and I adore the big sunny garden. I've a driveway and a front garden blah blah. (The house was a bargain I'm still unsure how I ended up with this place it was a fluke that I bought it as I don't have that much money at all) .
But I live in such a boring and unsociable village and street. I have to drive to go and see friends and I just feel a bit bored, lonely and isolated.
However the areas around and in my city (brighton) which seem more community based all seem to involve houses that are tiny, cramped and dark with tiny patios and terrible parking, so I feel I would be unhappy there too. (Those houses are worth roughly the same if not more than mine, this isn't a snobbery thing if it's coming across as such)
I yearn to live in a fun, vibrant community but the pay off seems to be living in a house I don't like. Or is it? What am I missing?
Friendly advice please and no bashings!

OP posts:

Veronicat · 05/01/2018 20:17

You should organise a Brighton MNs meet up!

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 20:17

Blindmelons annoyingly I tried to buy in patcham but it didn't work out. Your neighbours sound like the kind I'm after and what everyone is telling me doesn't exist! Very very jealous.
I'm in a few different groups and do have quite an active social life, I find it easy enough to make friends, I guess having a young child (she's six) does make me look for more of a local community.

OP posts:

Jacobsbread · 05/01/2018 20:17

I think you're dreaming somewhat. To me community is the way the village comes together to run events/clubs etc. I live in a village which has a great community. I have lovely neighbours. I have friends. Unless I'm at a club in the evening I'm in my house and everyone else is in theirs. Kids etc means people don't tend to do what I think you're looking for. You can't put a price on a nice house/ garden/ safe surrounding when you have a child. Enjoy what you're lucky to have x

g1itterati · 05/01/2018 20:19

The thing with "community" is it's totally unpredictable. One street may be friendly, the next one not at all. How can you tell until you're actually in it.
I'm in London. I'm quite good friends with next door, but we're not in and out if each other's houses. People are busy with their own families ir their work in the main. I know lots of people round and about here, but most of them are through the kids - e.g. the NCT playgroups they went to, schools and so on. I think you make friends with people who have a "lifestyle fit", rather than simply because you happen to be neighbours.

If I were you, I would get involved with the school, etc and take up some new hobbies /interests.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 20:28

Just to clarify again that I do have friends and hobbies, ones I drive to etc. It's when I return home that I feel isolated and a bit fed up with my neighbourhood.

OP posts:

iamyourequal · 05/01/2018 20:36

OP you sound lovely but I think you need to take your head out of the clouds and count your blessings. You are not going to find it easy to up and move into a 'community' where you have sweet neighbors hanging out at yours into the evening. You would need to move to a US sitcom to find that level of social activity in the 21st century. Enjoy your lovely home and garden and be glad you have lots of space in a safe area with your DC in a good school.thats all worth gold! We moved to our neighbourhood several years ago. I, from the start, made a great effort to become friends with neighbours, as I remember my childhood being like that. The sad fact is most people are just far too busy. I'm even too busy for much myself now I work FT. We have several neighbors in for drinks annually and perhaps have another 1-2 invites from some of them during the year. I might have a coffee or drinks with another couple of mums on the street at most once per term. It's taken 8 years to get this level of community built up! Continue to offer the hand of friendship to neighbours, but I think your best bet is inviting your friends round more. Have a happy and sociable 2018!

JapaneseTea · 05/01/2018 20:37

You could try organising a street play, if your street is quiet? Contact the council and request it, the street is closed to traffic for two hours and the kids play out.

Depends on your street obvs! Probably need 10 people to keep it going every other week.

SavvyFishFinger · 05/01/2018 20:40

Depends whether you want to stay in Brighton or not.

Big nice garden sunlight houses and fantastic sociable neighbours are not mutually exclusive.

That's the deal.

Stillme1 · 05/01/2018 20:40

Places change. My family have lived in the same few streets for decades and generations. The area has been up and down over the years. Right now, in my opinion, it is on a down. Folks cant even nod a Hello to each other.
An elderly person moved into a retirement community and thought they would have the same number of new friends as there was households in their community. There were still loads of unfriendly people and those who would not join in the little tea parties in the common room (or whatever they called it) or any of the outings that were arranged.
I think this lack of communication and community spirt is a fairly new thing. I also wonder how much it has to do with something I read on MN about how people did not like visitors to just arrive.
I would love to live in the kind of place that the OP envisions, so if you are going to build a wee area, phone me I am in!

Ikanon · 05/01/2018 20:42

My road isn't that friendly (tried to organise a street picnic when the village was organising a picnic on the Green. No bugger replied so I had one on the Green with my village friends) but my village is. Consider expanding what you consider to be your community and that might help.

cathyclown · 05/01/2018 20:50

Every community has its ups and downs.

Personally I prefer a quiet area and then I have the choice to visit friends in more happening places. Can get out of dodge if I want to and get back to my burrow!

Each to their own.

I think OP you would be moving for the wrong reasons. You can have your cake and eat it now even though it means a bit of hassle for you to socialise.

The reality is that most neighbourhoods keep to themselves, and those neighbourhoods that are vibrant will only be like that for a little while, then they get gentrified and close their doors.

Stay.

g1itterati · 05/01/2018 20:53

So you have a good network in the day, but are bored in the evenings? I don't think it's common anywhere for people to be in and out of each other's houses in the evenings though. People don't generally have babysitters or they're too tired / busy with kids, dinner, homework or DHs.

You could host a book / wine club at your house one night a week? Just one idea. Are you single and do you have other single friends if so? Maybe just get them to commit to a babysitter once a fortnight even and make an effort to go out for drinks or take turns going to each other's houses, to the cinema, yoga, whatever. I know it's more hassle if you have to drive, but I don't think you would necessarily be more likely to socialise with neighbours just on the basis of proximity.

greendale17 · 05/01/2018 20:54

Trade your big house for a welcoming, fun community.

^I agree

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 20:59

It's funny as I thought the consensus would be "life's too short! Move!" So I'm very interested (and sort of relieved) to see it's "stay and make more effort!"
Good advice I think.

OP posts:

BluebellTheDonkey · 05/01/2018 21:09

Hmm I'm not sure people are popping into each other's houses at all hours of the day and evening, even in a good strong community. Especially those with young children. We live in a large ish house with a big garden but in a quiet area, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But then I can't stand other people's noise, traffic etc I am possibly a tiny bit antisocial so it suits me.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 06/01/2018 08:14

G1itterati- good suggestions I like them. I do have a few other single friends yes. It just feels like a distance makes things harder for people to hang out. We do meet up and do exercise etc together during the day, evenings just seem more difficult with young kids etc.
Thank you for all your helpful replies you've given me a lot to think about!

OP posts:

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