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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Live in a big house with nice garden but no community, or move to a small house with no garden in better community. Or am I missing something?

66 replies

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 18:59

I know I'm missing something and just looking for your experiences and advice. I currently own and live alone (well with one small child) in a lovely and big house with a big sunny garden on the fringes of Brighton. I absolutely love the house, not because it's big but because it has a lovely feel (light, airy and homely) and I adore the big sunny garden. I've a driveway and a front garden blah blah. (The house was a bargain I'm still unsure how I ended up with this place it was a fluke that I bought it as I don't have that much money at all) .
But I live in such a boring and unsociable village and street. I have to drive to go and see friends and I just feel a bit bored, lonely and isolated.
However the areas around and in my city (brighton) which seem more community based all seem to involve houses that are tiny, cramped and dark with tiny patios and terrible parking, so I feel I would be unhappy there too. (Those houses are worth roughly the same if not more than mine, this isn't a snobbery thing if it's coming across as such)
I yearn to live in a fun, vibrant community but the pay off seems to be living in a house I don't like. Or is it? What am I missing?
Friendly advice please and no bashings!

OP posts:

Happyhappyveggie · 05/01/2018 19:28

No @brightonmum36 i’m near Elm grove in Brighton

Topnotes · 05/01/2018 19:31

I live in a biggish house with a big garden in a road of similar. When we moved in 16 years ago, we made an effort to get to know our neighbours '- took a deep breath, knocked on the doors and said hi we'd just moved in, pleased to meet you., etc. It was well out my comfort zone. But I now know all the neighbours and we have a barbecue every year. The first one was to celebrate some royal event, I forget, but we all enjoyed it so much we decided to make it an annual event. I know it's hard, but keep trying with your community- it'll start to pay off soon hopefully. Also, your child is only y1 so still relatively early days. Good luck.

chocolatepudandchocolatesauce · 05/01/2018 19:32

I grew up in Woodingdean

SaucyJack · 05/01/2018 19:32

If you can afford it, you might be better moving nearer into the city centre.

I'm on the other side of Brighton, and I know exactly what you mean. You have to be very central to Brighton or Hove to get the proper Brighton experience- else you may as well live anywhere. Suburbs are suburbs even round here.

We'd move if we could in a heartbeat.

Worriedrose · 05/01/2018 19:33

What if you move and you don't get the community you want and then your lovely house is sold and you can never go back?

Could you try and ingratiate yourself in the community you like? And then if it's utterly amazing move there, maybe join a group and say your thinking of moving there

If your going in blind it might not be what it's cracked up to be!

Or make friends with happyveggie!!

BewareOfDragons · 05/01/2018 19:41

I'd stay where you are, imo.

HermioneAndMsJones · 05/01/2018 19:42

I agree with a pp saying that you are romanticising what a nice community is.
You have images of people popping round and spending hours at yours, helping each other out etc.... I’m not sure you’ll get that. Or you will but will realise that the people themsleves aren’t great fit for you and you’d rather not socialise wth them anyway!

I would keep the house and the lovely area, the lovely school. And put some forts into going to see friends, inviting them over etc... instead.

tempester28 · 05/01/2018 19:43

The grass is always greener!. I would stay in the nice house but join some clubs - some for your child some for yourself- located in the more lively areas so that you can build some connections there. What you really need to do is build a bit more of a social life outside home and also have your lovely home to come back to

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 19:44

Good advice on making more effort with the neighbours. I should do really. Just hard when you're on your own!
Its a funny one as I do have friends, it's not a lack of friends that's the problem per se, it's that they are spread out everywhere and so I always feel alone at the end of the day as everyone - quite understandably - has to get back to their families etc. I guess I just assume people nearby all hanging out would feel more- connected or something.
I'm so envious of people with lovely friendly sociable neighbours. Just doesn't seem to be a "thing" around here..

OP posts:

fourfuckssake4 · 05/01/2018 19:47

If you feel its best for you, go for it. Whaf does your dc think?

Chienrouge · 05/01/2018 19:49

I think sociable neighbours would probably still go home at the end of the day, TBH

phoenix1973 · 05/01/2018 19:49

What you dont see are the nosy, noisy neighbours and parking issues.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 19:51

I do see the noisey neighbours and parking issues in the other areas which is the whole reason why I'm reluctant to go there even though it looks more friendly. But I do appreciate the grass isn't always greener...

OP posts:

blindmelons · 05/01/2018 19:58

Woodingdean has no community feel, you are right. Could you get something in Patcham where there is more of a village feel or is it more the alternative Hanover feel you are after.
I live in Patcham and we are friends with all the neighbours and regularly get together with other locals, even go on holiday together.

ZZZZ1111 · 05/01/2018 19:58

We have lovely sociable neighbours but more to say hello to and have a chat rather than spend a lot of time socialising with each other? The odd bbq over the summer months. I really like it and it does feel like a nice 'community', but I'm not sure if you're imagining more socialising than there prob would be?

WeAreGerbil · 05/01/2018 20:00

I used to live off Elm Grove and I loved it, the flat was quite small and the parking could have been better, but I got a sense of space from being quite high up. I had to move away for family reasons, and I lived in the suburbs of a city for a while where I felt isolated. I now live in a small town with a few minutes walk to the centre, and as a lone parent in particular it does make a big difference to me feeling part of something more lively than being in the suburbs, wandering into town I will pretty much always bump into people, and I do think there are more people out and about walking to things instead of always getting into cars, making it feel more buzzy. Not quite sure how that helps you! We did used to go to pubs in Hanover, but that was some time ago - not sure now whether there's anything child friendly that might be a focal point to mooch out to - it was the mooching I guess that did it for us along with involvement in various community events.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 05/01/2018 20:00

Ps I agree that I AM romanticising what a friendly neighbourhood and community feels like.
I guess I'm just looking for something even a BIT more friendly than this one. No one came to say hello when I moved in, I've never seen the inside of anyone's house on my street. That seems extreme. And so to want something a bit more friendly than that doesn't seem totally unreasonable, crazy or romantic does it? I'm not saying I want Ramsay street or Albert Square, just something in between....??

OP posts:

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/01/2018 20:05

Stay where you are! The house and school sound lovely.

Can you cultivate friends in different areas? A hobby for you? Or something you and your daughter do together where you might meet other families? Are there any single parent meet up type things?

blindmelons · 05/01/2018 20:05

And you wouldn't really want the hassle of parking in Hanover, I lived there for two years and could never remember where my car was or how long it was going to take to get to it each morning!

Happyhappyveggie · 05/01/2018 20:07

I do think that a lot of the local community in Hanover that I am part of has come about from having kids in a local school too. I have never been in my neighbours houses but I have met a lot of people that I see about in parks etc are because of the school

Hidingalion · 05/01/2018 20:08

Think you're pinning too much on neighbours. I can't imagine anywhere where I'd hang out with neighbours in the evening - we're not in student accommodation! Is the real issue that you have a small child on your own so don't have much company? That sucks but presumably won't be forever until you can get out a bit more?

Happyhappyveggie · 05/01/2018 20:08

@blindmelons we have permit parking now!! It’s literally transformed the area! Half the local cars seem to have vanished!

thelastredwinegum · 05/01/2018 20:09

Could you try and organise something to celebrate the Royal wedding? You might get to know a few people that way. thinking out loud

BumWad · 05/01/2018 20:10

Stay in your house you really aren’t missing anything!

thelastredwinegum · 05/01/2018 20:11

I live in a different part of the country to you, but have recently started getting to know our neighbours after 10 years just as we're getting ready to sell :(

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