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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stay for the child

30 replies

Howdidigethere101 · 05/01/2018 14:59

Just that really. I am young, think early 20s. Yet have a young child who I had young. She is of an age where she would understand her daddy was missing or not living with us...

But I can't lie to myself anymore, my relationship with her father makes me feel so trapped.
Sad

I met him when I was 15. And as I fell pregnant young, we stayed together and got married eventually.

He is kind. He is lovely. He is in love with me completely, but I don't feel the same way.

I have ambition and want to grow. I work a lot, and study for my future. He has been working 18 hours a week, never more. He has me and DD, but no friends, social life or determination to do anything.

We don't click. There's no spark. He barely converses and I'm a chatty person. I find it so hard being alone with him as there's nothing to discuss! I'm also not sexually attracted to him

I've now met someone who I really like.
I'd never cheat, and have done nothing with this other man who is a great friend.

However having another male figure in my life (no father) has made me realise my relationship is not normal. Yes H is kind and loves me terribly, but we don't talk, we don't do things! And we are only early 20s

So basically I want to leave H. Not for the other man, I'd leave anyway.

But my friend and family think I would be unreasonable to leave DH when there is nothing major wrong and we have a child

OP posts:
MiserableAsSin · 05/01/2018 15:02

The grass isn't always greener on the other side , but then nobody can force you to stay in a relationship either. Are you sure meeting this new man hasn't prompted you to contemplate leaving ? All relationships go through highs and lows . If he is a loving husband and a good father I'd be loathe to leave without trying to tackle our issues first . Do you have time alone together ? Has it always been like this ?

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/01/2018 15:04

You're not unreasonable to leave your marriage. People leave for all sorts of reasons and don't need to justify it to anyone else.

Leaving to go straight into a relationship with someone else is where you become U. You know you're ready to leave. So leave. Be by yourself for a while and focus on the things you want; get your head down and keep studying and working for whatever your aims are.

tiredybear · 05/01/2018 15:04

You both deserve to be loved by people who bring out the best in you and who want to be with you. Think of it from the other perspective, is it fair for your OH to be in a relationship where he is undervalued? Is it fair for your child to have a bad relationship model?
If you have really tried to make it work ans it doesn't, it's surely better for everyone to move on....

Original poster
Howdidigethere101 · 05/01/2018 15:06

It's always been like this. I was so young. I still am. He was also my first boyfriend. We wouldn't have stayed together if I I hadn't have gotten pregnant

It's been for two years. I just keep meting people and clicking with them and thinking I have so much more in common with them.
and I enjoy conversations with most people, but not H

He literally says talking is pointless

Maybe a drip feed but he's said in the past he'd kill himself if he didn't have me

OP posts:
Original poster
Howdidigethere101 · 05/01/2018 15:10

Have said I am unhappy. He said we can go out more. But even then if we get dinner I feel awkward as again it's awkward silence Sad

I don't want to leave for this other man, I just mean the other man has made me realise there are people out there who are like me and would suit me so much better

I would never get involved with someone so quickly either

Likely this man and I will just drift apart, I can't cope with another relationship so soon if I did leave and it wouldn't exactly be good for my daughter

My daughter doesn't notice but I'm sure she'll recognise the lack of passion when she's older, the fact we act more like slightly bored people who just met. We don't even argue as we don't interact enough to disagree about things!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/01/2018 15:10

You know the relationship is wrong.

Time to be a single parent for a while.

Are you married? What's the housing situation? Renting in both names?

Saying he will kill himself if you leave but won't make any attempt to have a nice chat with you shows what a cock he is. He won't kill himself. And if he did that wouldn't be your fault.

Arkangel · 05/01/2018 15:12

It sounds very draining for you. I'm sorry.

You should not stay in a relationship purely for a child. The child will just grow up assuming this dynamic is the right one. That's not fair on her

Merryoldgoat · 05/01/2018 15:16

You don't love him and can't see a future. That's major. Of course that's reason enough to leave.

I'm sorry you're unhappy. But you can change things and you're so young - you have years ahead of you. Make as many as you can happy ones.

MiserableAsSin · 05/01/2018 15:18

he'd kill himself if he didn't have me

Kind and lovely people who genuinely love their partners don't say things like this

Roobear23 · 05/01/2018 15:21

I was in a similar position to you. Once you know they're not the one for you then you know and it isn't fair on anyone to try and make it work. I was worried what people would think, how hard it would be etc but I left my partner when ds was 8 months and I'm so pleased I did. He wasn't and isn't a bad person just not the one for me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

EastDulwichWife · 05/01/2018 15:22

Time to leave OP. Don't feel bad, but don't stay together for your child. She isn't stupid and will know if the atmosphere isn't right. You both sound like decent people (other than threatening suicide, that's unacceptable), so there's no reason to think you can't both go on to have happy lives co-parenting.

trevthecat · 05/01/2018 15:31

I think you have already left mentally. You can't stay for your dd. My parents were a bit like this and I struggled with relationships until my current partner. Your young, clever, working hard for a better life. This relationship is holding you back and your not happy. Being a single mum isn't easy but I did it at 25 with a 2 year old and new born. Best thing I ever did. Good luck x

cordeliavorkosigan · 05/01/2018 15:32

Yep, time to go. saying what he said: that's emotional blackmail, don't fall for it. And it's not better for your child if you stay. what your child needs is for you to be a happy healthy parent, and eventually to see good relationships modelled; staying won't provide either of those things.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/01/2018 15:36

I wouldn't stay for your child necessarily but you need to think long and hard about your reasons for ending it.
If you get together with this other man for eg (or anyone else) you likely wouldn't feel the same level of attraction in 8 years time. They also likely wouldn't seem so new and interesting after 8 years of conversations about shopping lists and whether you need to put a whites wash on.

user7654321 · 05/01/2018 15:38

I fell pregnant young, we stayed together and got married eventually.....We wouldn't have stayed together if I hadn't have gotten pregnant.

How did you feel when you married him? I'm confused why you married someone that you say you didn't really want to be with at the beginning.
Unless something has drastically changed since your wedding day I would always say marriage is for life. Try to learn to love him again. I'm quite a traditionalist though and know 100% I would never leave my DH under any circumstances.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/01/2018 15:39

And the killing himself thing to me would depend on whether I thought it was a serious threat or a throw away 'I couldn't live without you' comment.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2018 15:47

I'm quite a traditionalist though and know 100% I would never leave my DH under any circumstances.

More fool you.

Original poster
Howdidigethere101 · 05/01/2018 15:48

I married him as I was 18, confused and had a very young baby. It seemed safe and the right thing to do at the time. Everyone including friends and family highly encouraged it. It was 'the right thing to do' at the time or so I thought

OP posts:
horatioisabrick · 05/01/2018 15:54

You could try counselling?

he’d kill himself

Was that more of a romantic declaration ‘you’re awesome, life without you wouldn’t be worth living’ or a genuine threat?

FooFighter99 · 05/01/2018 16:01

You owe it to yourself and your DD to live the best life you can. Which isn't going to happen if you stay with DH.

You are not responsible for his happiness.

But you ARE responsible for your own!

I hope you find the courage to leave and strike out on your own, let 2018 be YOUR year Flowers

Good luck OP

Original poster
Howdidigethere101 · 05/01/2018 16:02

It wasn't romantic. It was "I would kill myself I didn't have you, you're all I have"

Like I said, he has no life outside of me. No friends or a proper career. I don't think it's that abnormal for an early 20s man not to have a career as such as it's still so young. But he should have friends, a social life, etc...

OP posts:
user7654321 · 05/01/2018 16:07

He has been working 18 hours a week, never more. He has me and DD, but no friends, social life or determination to do anything.

he is also threatening to kill himself if you leave him.

It sounds like your DH isn't is a great place right now. I think you need to support your husband get into a better place, better job and make some friends...perhaps counselling together or help him job hunt?

Rubymil · 05/01/2018 16:11

How old is your child op?

Rubymil · 05/01/2018 16:13

Don't stay and miserable. Your dd will pick up this your relationship isn't healthy and not one you want your dd to follow

Idontdowindows · 05/01/2018 16:14

You don't love him, you're unhappy and the relationship isn't right for you.

Time to pack up and go. You need to be an adult you first, so that you can learn what you need out of life.

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