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Original poster

Paying on dates

47 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 05/01/2018 14:11

Met someone for the first time earlier this week. He was really sweet and we got on really well.

We met for drinks, and towards the end, he said he was popping to the loo, but I saw him go over to the bar. I realised he was paying for the drinks, and as soon as I realised, I offered to pay, and said he shouldn't have and asked to pay half. I'd had a couple more drinks than him, and they weren't cheap Blush He insisted on paying for my drinks as well, and I thanked him and said it was really kind of him.

We've arranged to meet next week again, but haven't got a plan about what we're doing or anything. I want to pay my way next time, but not sure how to go about it. I don't want to put him in a position where he lays for everything, because it wouldn't be at all fair on him.

Just wanted to ask what the whole etiquette is for paying, if you offer to pay half and the person you're with insists nicely that they'll pay?

Thanks! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 05/01/2018 14:12

*pays for everything.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 05/01/2018 14:18

When you get there just say 'drinks are on me tonight - what are you having.'

Be very casual.

If it's dinner, tell him 'my treat tonight.'

If he creates a massive fuss about you paying then he could be a bit controlling and I would watch out for other signs of control.

FlouncyDoves · 05/01/2018 14:20

Controlling. Hmm

It was nice of him. Say thank you. Next time you can insist that you pay, or you go to the bar to pay before he does.

Or you say ‘thank you’ again.

Coastalcommand · 05/01/2018 14:22

I wouldn’t worry about it. When my husband and I were first dating he liked to pay. I’d always offer but he’s quite old-fashioned and always wanted to. His dad is the same. As the relationship progressed I’d cook for us both either at my house or at his and I would buy the food and drink for that, so it kind of worked out.

KC225 · 05/01/2018 14:30

Congratulations on meeting a.nice guy you want to see again. Although it's been eons since I dated, I think its a nice gesture when the dates pays however, before I told that 18th Century wants my morals back. I ALWAYS offered to pay or split it.

Perhaps when you meet, say and its my turn tonight. Doesn't have to big thing. But let him know you are getting bill at the end of the night.

Good luck OP

g1itterati · 05/01/2018 14:35

Just offer to pay, but don't make a drama out if it or he might feel awkward. As a PP says above, DH always paid, but sometimes I would just book the theatre ahead or cook dinner from him so it evened out a bit.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 05/01/2018 14:35

Thanks everyone! :) I thought it was really nice of him, and he was really discreet about it. Basically, I don't want him to think that I'm taking advantage, and if, say, things don't work out or go any further, I don't him to feel annoyed or bad that he's spent so much money etc. I come from a family where everyone insists on paying, so I just feel bad Blush

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 05/01/2018 14:35

Just tell him thank you for paying last time but that you'd like to pay this time.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 05/01/2018 14:36

That's the thing - as PP have said. I'd like to find a way of making it even out without making it awkward :)

OP posts:
swingofthings · 05/01/2018 14:37

You say you really would like to pay this time and then if all goes well, you can agree to alternate. He says ok.

If he insists that he really wants to pay, then leave him to it. Personally, I wouldn't like it as I would worry that it was a red flag for either controlling behaviour, or that he was too keen to make be believe he was well off or generous, which could mean that the reality is exactly the opposite.

Of course it could mean that he is just a rich and/or very generous man!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/01/2018 14:42

He doesn't sound controlling at all. It sounds as though he could afford to pay and wanted to treat you. It also sounds as though you would have started to split the bill based on what you each had - that can be very off-putting.

Treat him by all means, but be gracious too. He did something nice. There's no need to panic.

KC225 · 05/01/2018 14:50

I think the fact he did it discreetly, without making a big show wouldn't come across as controlling to me.

swingofthings · 05/01/2018 14:54

He doesn't sound controlling at all
I didn't say he did at this point, I said it could be a sign of it if indeed he insisted vehemently despite OP saying she'd like to take turn to pay next time they go out.

GladAllOver · 05/01/2018 14:54

You both had a nice evening. He didn't want to spoil it with a discussion over who should pay. No problem. Just take your turn next time. You could even do it the same way as him :)

DooRight · 05/01/2018 14:56

I was supposed to go on a date yesterday (thursday) - but on wednesday she contacted me to ask :

" Are you the sort of man who allows girls to buy him drinks...?"

Me - "Yes, but just not the first one - and not all night"

date - "Oh, sorry - I was hoping to meet a gentleman"

Me - "Oh, I am sorry - was that a test?"

date "Yes, and you failed"

me - "So the date is off then?"

Date - " "

Me - "Fair enough - Bullet Dodged"

date - "Its just the way I am..."

WTAF - it's 2018 FFS

Cantuccit · 05/01/2018 14:56

Sigh. I wish people would read carefully. I didn't say he was controlling. I said that if he creates a massive fuss about OP paying (as she is planning to offer), then I would watch out for signs of control.

It could be a sign that he does not see women as his equal.

It's naive to think men always want to pay out of a sense of altruism or chivalry.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/01/2018 14:59

My DH refused (in the nicest way) to let me pay (3 beers, 2 wines and a curry at the local Indian) on our first date, I accepted it for what it was really, he wanted to pay. On our second date I said from the start, I'll get tonights meal (think it was steak night at a country pub). He was fine.
Since then we've always just taken turns, but not in a way that we secretly jot down who's paid when if that makes sense.
I'd just say something like 'I'd like to treat you this time'.

swingofthings · 05/01/2018 15:01

The reason why I say that is because of what my friend experienced. We were both single and dating years ago. We happened to go on first dates around the same time. The first time I went to dinner with my -now husband-, he paid without making a first and I just said thank you. The second time, I said that I would like to pay, he said are you sure, I said yes and that was the end of it. 10 years later, it's more often him who will pay when we go out to it.

My friend went on a date where the guy picked an expensive place. He insisted to pay, left a big tip. Second date, she said she'd like to pay, he said that it would really make him happy to pay again. Third time, she said jokingly that no way was he paying, but he went and paid when she went to the toilet. She couldn't believe how generous he was. They became a couple, and it's then she discovered he was in massive debts and he was asking her to loan her money almost every months, which he never repaid h er. It became clear that he had problems with budgeting and after a year of promises never fulfilled, she decided she couldn't trust him and had enough.

All this to say that who insists to pay isn't always the most generous or financially stable one.

happymummy12345 · 05/01/2018 15:05

When my husband and I first met and started dating, I said I wanted to pay for our first date, that was fine. The next time, he said it was his treat.
Since, we've always tried to keep it fair, by taking turns to pay when we go out.

lynzpynz · 05/01/2018 15:07

I’d feel the same way, I like to pay my own way (and also means I don’t feel I ‘owe’ someone anything).

Women fought hard for equality, but there is still plenty of chivalry in some gents sho’ve been brought up to respect women. I love the curtesy and politeness but not them paying for everything.

YearOfYouRemember · 05/01/2018 15:11

With DH we had our first date when we were 23. He paid for lunch and the cinema. I paid for the pizza afterwards. I didn't want to feel I owed him anything, physical wise. I have since told him this and he was a bit hurt.

Trust your feelings as t whether he's generous, old fashioned or thinks he's buying you.

Bindibot · 05/01/2018 15:20

Who asked who out?

If he asked me and wanted to pay, fine.
If I asked him I'd pay.

2nd date I would expect the one who didn't pay to offer or go 50/50

But it's a long time since I've been on a date....(with DP 20 years, doesn't matter who physically pays it's our money)

senseyes · 05/01/2018 15:23

DH paid all the bills when we were dating. It was just what I was used to when dating and he was happy to treat me, so we didn't sweat over it. Definitely no sense of feeling like he was owed anything - we didn't sleep together until after six months. Sometimes I'd book tickets in advance for events (easier for me to do as I had time to research and book it) and I'd pay for those. That was an easier way to contribute as it meant it was all sorted ahead of the date so no chance to question who was paying.

spiritofadventure · 05/01/2018 15:24

Why are people always so quick to say something is a 'red flag' or a 'controlling behaviour??

He paid this time, you pay next time. Simple!

amy85 · 05/01/2018 15:28

I wish I knew...been seeing a guy for about 2 months now and he did the same on our first date went to the toilet and detoured to the bar to pay the bill on his way back...I said thank you thinking it's fine I'll pay next time, but again he paid before I could....he has done similar everytime we have met since....I'm torn between feeling flattered that he's being gentlemanly and annoyed because I'm not paying my way...