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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying on dates

47 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 05/01/2018 14:11

Met someone for the first time earlier this week. He was really sweet and we got on really well.

We met for drinks, and towards the end, he said he was popping to the loo, but I saw him go over to the bar. I realised he was paying for the drinks, and as soon as I realised, I offered to pay, and said he shouldn't have and asked to pay half. I'd had a couple more drinks than him, and they weren't cheap He insisted on paying for my drinks as well, and I thanked him and said it was really kind of him.

We've arranged to meet next week again, but haven't got a plan about what we're doing or anything. I want to pay my way next time, but not sure how to go about it. I don't want to put him in a position where he lays for everything, because it wouldn't be at all fair on him.

Just wanted to ask what the whole etiquette is for paying, if you offer to pay half and the person you're with insists nicely that they'll pay?

Thanks! :)

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 05/01/2018 15:28

I like to pay for at least one of the first three dates, if we're not going halves. I don't like an 'old fashioned' man - I can't think of anything about that that appeals to me really. I like it when I pay and a man says "well thank you, I enjoyed the meal" - to me that's a good sign of someone who can graciously accept a woman's independence and has manners to say thank you.

Cantuccit · 05/01/2018 15:29

spiritofadventure

No one has an issue with him paying. Just warning that a man who creates a massive fuss about wanting to pay every time may have some issues. See swingofthings post for a reason why.

chestylarue52 · 05/01/2018 15:31

It's controlling behaviour if you say 'I really want to pay this time. Please let me'. And he sneaks off and pays and thinks he's brilliant for it. Ugh.

spiritofadventure · 05/01/2018 15:35

Cantuccit but the OP wasn't about a man who created a massive fuss over paying every time.

It was about a man who discretely paid the drinks bill on their first date.

Absolutely no need to bring up control or red flags.

Mummaofboys · 05/01/2018 15:40

Rather than making it awkward by just paying half just pay the total bill next time. In my personal opinion and I know lots will not agree I think paying half next time would look a bit strange and petty. Just casual state at the end “ oh I’ll get these this time as you did last time” nobody can argue with you that way.

Cantuccit · 05/01/2018 15:41

spiritofadventure

That's the great thing about a forum. It's not like Google where it just gives you an algorithm answer. It gives OP things to think about and watch out for.

Cantuccit · 05/01/2018 15:42

@chestylarue52

I like it when I pay and a man says "well thank you, I enjoyed the meal" - to me that's a good sign of someone who can graciously accept a woman's independence and has manners to say thank you.

Amen, chesty. Shows a much more healthy attitude to women.

Trinity66 · 05/01/2018 15:44

Cantuccit

I agree with the first part of your post, I wouldn't be leaping into the controlling bit though, he's probably just doing what society tells him is the gentle manly thing to do.

Like the OP I prefer to pay my way too though

PinkHeart5914 · 05/01/2018 15:53

I see nothing wrong with one person paying.

He paid last time, so next time it’s on you! I don’t get all the drama over it, oh it’s controlling etc etc. Sometimes it’s just a nice thing to do, on a date when you like someone and it’s easy enough for op to pick up the bill next time

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/01/2018 15:58

I always pay my share. However there’s can be a societal expectation man pay
and I’ve known some women who are adamant on a date man should pay
He’s maybe thinking it’s the done thing? In which case just tell him actually I’d prefer to go halves

ExConstance · 05/01/2018 15:58

I once dated a man who was older and better off than me, he would insist on paying, saying it was his pleasure. He didn't cook much and lived on takeaways if he wasn't out. If I went round to stay with him at the weekend I'd always be sure to cook at least one lovely meal for him and take some really good wine. I'd also make a really nice picnic to take if we went out for the day. He used to really appreciate home made stuff.

GeekyWombat · 05/01/2018 16:00

DH bought the first round on our first date, I bought the second. We went on for dinner and he paid the bill while I was in the loo. I said thank you and bought him dinner on our second date. We alternated mostly early on, except when it was my birthday he paid and when it was his I did.

It just makes sense, right?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/01/2018 16:01

controlling omg, he sounds really sweet. Dh used to pay for our dates, despite me offering.

Justonedayatatime11 · 05/01/2018 16:05

I always pay. DP finds this odd. But given that he always drives as I can't, I feel it's only fair in my eyes. He does so much for me that I don't think me paying for the odd night out/meal/whatever even comes close to making things even!

swingofthings · 05/01/2018 16:11

In any case, it certainly better than the other way around! I went on a date with someone I'd spoken on the phone/emailed for quite some time, so not totally new to each other. By then, I'd been on quite a number of dates over the years and every single men offered to pay, but I would always say I'd rather go half, with some agreeing, some wanting to pay.

This guy was a professional so not poor. Good conversation, all going ok, got to the bill, and he right away indicated to the waiter to pay half and gave his card. I thought fair enough, no issue with the concept of taking for granted that it should be 50/50. I paid my half with cash, and before gave back to give my change, which I was planning to leave for the tip, I went to the toilet. I couldn't believe when I came back and the guy said that there was a little money left so he'd taken it!

ElsieMay123 · 05/01/2018 16:33

I've looked someone in the eye and said that I would like to pay my share because I've had issues in the past with men thinking that I 'owe' them something if they pick up the bill. I then insisted that is not how the person I'm talking to must be, so it's best if we split things and feel equal right from the off. Anyone who pays after that little chat is a wrong 'un who expects something!

SilverySurfer · 05/01/2018 16:39

Even when I was dating way back in the 1960s I would always insist on paying my own way, whether that was buying rounds of drinks or the man paid for one date, I would pay for the next. It's antiquated to expect the man to pay and DooRight perhaps it was just as well you discovered what that potential date was like before you met her.

OP, I agree with Cantuccit

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/01/2018 16:45

@ElsieMay123, how would you feel if your date said, "I'd prefer it if you paid for your share because I've been out with some real gold diggers in the past.

Honestly, what you say sounds insulting. And the worst for treating women like they owe them are the cocklodger variety anyway.

georgie262 · 05/01/2018 16:46

I was always of the mindset that men should offer to pay in the first date. Someone recently pointed out to me that in an age were people 'date' and go on a few first dates this isn't really fair if the man is always picking up the tab and actually when I really thought about it, I'd been a bit silly and entitled and that's right. Women should always pay their way. I would do what a PP said and say 'on me tonight' and stand strong on the offer.

Love2cook · 05/01/2018 17:04

Perhaps don't think so much in to it? My OH always paid on our firsts dates, despite me offering each time, but then once we started getting more serious it evened out as we ate in more where I bought the food and cooked it. He still pays when we go out as, even though the food shop is bought from a joint account, I cook every night and do the bulk of the housework ect. Occasionally I treat him and he likes it, but wouldn't be happy with it all the time. Some men, incl my OH see it as the gentlemanly thing to do and if you offer and he says no just thank him and go with it. I think being too forceful or repetitive just makes something of it and then it becomes awkward , which is the last thing you want on a date! If you weren't to see him again I doubt he'll be thinking you swindled him as he offered to pay. Just enjoy yourself and don't worry about it, if it goes further you'll even it up.

April229 · 05/01/2018 17:19

What a lovely guy, and how nice to pay discretely so you didn’t even have to have an awkward chat with a waiter there. If he was the one to invite you on the date I think it’s a lovely gesture to pay.

Like you I also like to pay half, but not at the risk of embarrassing someone who is trying to be nice ( which of course you haven’t done either). I would avoid making a fuss if he is really set on paying for dinner say, but you could follow up by saying ‘ok, but only if I can buy you a drink after.’ Or ok, but perhaps I can buy you lunch ( to say thank you next week?’ Or something? Weirdly with my partner me paying for lunch, or day time coffee troubles him less than paying for an evening thing which is obviously a date.

SD1978 · 05/01/2018 21:49

It was done discreetly, because he wanted to. No big fuss made, no awards expected. He wanted to pay and so he did. I don’t see any issue with this, would appreciate the gesture. At most next time I’d say and please, tonight this one is on me- but if he does the same again, would just accept it. Could arrange a pre paid date next time, cinema or a show if it really bothers you. As long as it was done I. A chivalrous manner, and not to make a point, or done in a way that was looking down on you, I’d accept and say thanks.

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