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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a bit of notice

39 replies

lallyk · 05/01/2018 11:56

Yet another MIL thread...

I love my MIL I really do but she is driving me mad! She has a habit of “popping in” randomly a few times a week. I’ve asked her to just give me a wee text when she’s en route and have made it clear it’s NOT to ask if she can come round but just to let me know she’s coming so that i can tidy up/dry my hair/ let her know I’m not actually in/ knackered from work/etcetcetc But nope, it’s achieved nothing and it’s actually starting to stress me out. Not really sure what else I can do about it or whether I am actually BU.

OP posts:
gunsandbanjos · 05/01/2018 11:58

YANBU.

justtheonethen · 05/01/2018 11:58

Mine used to do this and it drove me bonkers. I just didn't answer the door if it wasn't convenient and when she text after I would say I had popped to shops or something. Now she texts beforehand Smile

Afreshnewyearplease · 05/01/2018 12:01

Urgh i hate people who just rock up

negomi90 · 05/01/2018 12:06

Sorry I'm busy please come back at x (convenient time for you) and don't let her in. Even if you're not busy. If she's never allowed in without notice, she'll stop coming without warning, eventually.

PuppyMonkey · 05/01/2018 12:09

Don't answer door.

Only open door with car keys in hand ready to be going out urgently.

Go out as much as possible and don't be in. Grin

Repeat until habit is broken.

gamerchick · 05/01/2018 12:12

Can’t you just ignore the door? Put a curtain up if you can see in from the outside.

Cornettoninja · 05/01/2018 12:15

Ooff I'd hate that.

Could you start texting her every day to tell her whether it's convenient or not? Sort of start the habit/conversation? Maybe just the days you'll be out or really don't want her round.

It's a pain in the arse but if your relationship is otherwise good it's worth trying to train her under the guise of not wanting her to waste a journey.

hollowtree · 05/01/2018 12:16

Mine does this! It drives me up the #$@%ing wall!!!!!

Asturias2018 · 05/01/2018 12:16

This used to happen to us. I got fed up of having my plans for the evening spoiled (DH gets back very late and she would just stay). I told her nicely by text could she give us warning so that I could plan around etc (she would also drop round in daytime to 'tidy up' which drove me mad because it would feel like a burglar had been).

In response to my nice, reasoned texts she called me a control freak, DH couldn't talk to her so I just changed the locks (we had never given her a key, she just took a spare set she saw lying around one day).

Doesnt drop round anymore... bit of a scorched earth approach though!

hollowtree · 05/01/2018 12:16

Sorry, no helpful suggestions, just sympathy

Asturias2018 · 05/01/2018 12:18

You definitely need to break the habit. A few instances of her turning up and you not being there (as far as she knows) or you being occupied and not letting her in will change her attitude. Good luck, it's very frustrating!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/01/2018 12:18

just dont let her in, pop your head theough the door and sweetly say it’s such a shame but youmre very busy - door slam.

BlueFleece · 05/01/2018 12:19

YANBU. My in laws are the same but have a key 🙈

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/01/2018 12:19

Asturias! Oh my god. She sounds insane. That is NOT normal (glad you changed the locks!)

No op. Yanbu. I'd hate this. You've tried the nice way. Just ignore her when she rocks up

What does your DP say about this?

Original poster
lallyk · 05/01/2018 12:24

Thanks folks. Will definitely try the not answering the door trick although she has previous for phoning me to see where I am if she visits and I’m not in (must remember to keep phone on silent 😁.) Definitely nice to know I’m not just being a dick. You know the most infuriating thing? I said that I like to make sure the house is tidy, me and LO are presentable for folk visiting and her response was “oh but I don’t care about things like that”.... but I doooo!! 🙄😂😂

OP posts:
Smoochyschmoo · 05/01/2018 12:24

Mine does the same, no matter how many times I ask her to text first to check I’m in etc. I can’t fathom why as the amount of times she’s been muffed that she’s came round and we’ve been out/no answer.

Unfortunately it’s led to her hardly ever seeing us as she ‘doesn’t want to have to make an appointment’ - I’ve said the same as you, not making her ask if it’s ok, just asking for a 10 min warning. But nope.

Original poster
lallyk · 05/01/2018 12:27

poster aaaaargghhhhelementary

DP shares my frustration (although to a lesser degree) but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and they definitely would be if her were to try being more direct. I might ask him to just reiterate what I’ve said in the past about texting and see if it helps.

Thanks again 😊

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/01/2018 12:30

YANBU. Phone on silent. Don't let her in. Text her back, I've asked you nicely to please let me know in advance of when you're coming.

Original poster
lallyk · 05/01/2018 12:30

poster SmoochySmoo

Ah that’s a real shame. Totally agree with you, I am mystified as to why that would be seen as anything rude, difficult etc. Maybe we’ll be the same in a few years 😬😁

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/01/2018 12:33

'DP shares my frustration (although to a lesser degree) but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and they definitely would be if her were to try being more direct. '

But she doesn't give a shit about yours.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/01/2018 12:33

Yeah I think getting DP to chat to her might help. If she were to hear it from her own son too it might be harder to brush off.

He's bound to feel it to a lesser degree as he's not the one at home being pounced on! I think you have to put it to him that your upset outweighs her potential feelings. (Besides you're not saying she can't visit - just call ahead!)

Urgh id hate to feel 'on alert' constantly in my own home. Especially as my toddler can wreck a house in under 30 seconds...!

Asturias2018 · 05/01/2018 12:34

@aaaaargghhhhelpme no she's definitely not normal!

OP- I completely understand. Even if my MIL thought she was 'helping' by doing the dishes or something and she didn't mind, she couldn't/ wouldn't understand that it made me feel judged etc. Lots of people just struggle to see it from someone else's perspective / no empathy.

Sending my sympathy- it's very hard to make a positive change in relations and not hurt feelings. Do you have caller ID so you can screen calls?

Subtlety doesn't really help I think- just leaves you frustrated! YADNBU

SolemnlySwear2010 · 05/01/2018 12:35

My mum used to do this as well. I stopped answering the door, and if she would phone I would put on a 'sleepy' voice as if I had just been woken up.

I would then say I was in bed with a migraine etc. Only had to do it a few times before she started texting me before coming round :)

Sierra259 · 05/01/2018 12:40

If you don't feel happy telling her directly and your DH won't a few times of not opening the door should do it. "Sorry MIL I was at the shops/in the bath/having a nap/waxing my bikini line, as I didn't know you'd be popping over". Hopefully the inconvenience of wasted trips might get the message across to her better - although maybe not from a pp's experience Shock

diddl · 05/01/2018 12:40

What would be wrong with her texting to see if it's OK to come round?

Sounds to me as if you've been too accommodating & she's taking the piss?

Where's your husband when she pops in?

Always there or at work so it doesn't affect him?

If the latter then imo it doesn't really matter what he thinks!