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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a bit of notice

39 replies

lallyk · 05/01/2018 11:56

Yet another MIL thread...

I love my MIL I really do but she is driving me mad! She has a habit of “popping in” randomly a few times a week. I’ve asked her to just give me a wee text when she’s en route and have made it clear it’s NOT to ask if she can come round but just to let me know she’s coming so that i can tidy up/dry my hair/ let her know I’m not actually in/ knackered from work/etcetcetc But nope, it’s achieved nothing and it’s actually starting to stress me out. Not really sure what else I can do about it or whether I am actually BU.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 05/01/2018 12:43

(we had never given her a key, she just took a spare set she saw lying around one day)

Oh my GOD that takes the prize!

sadie9 · 05/01/2018 12:44

Your MIL is actually the control freak because by popping around unannounced she has all the control and you have none.
She won't wait to be invited because she fears rejection and giving someone else control over her.
Just tell her you hate surprises and you always nearly get a bit of a fright when 'someone just shows up like that' so it'd be better for you if she could phone or text beforehand.
Or you could for two weeks, call to her three times each week without notice. Go into her kitchen and stay there for an hour expecting a cup of tea and a chat. That'd be an interesting experiment. Then you'd see how a control freak reacts when someone else decides to take charge.

LockedOutOfMN · 05/01/2018 12:45

lallyk Every time she does this, either don't answer the door or do answer and say, sorry, you've caught me unawares, I'm in the middle of something / I'm about to go out / it's not a good time.

toomanykidstocount · 05/01/2018 12:47

I had success with a 'controlled visit' approach! I would invite her round regularly at a particular time for a coffee and then if she came when I hadn't asked I would say I was just off out. She just needed training, a bit like an excitable puppy. We do get on well, and get on even better now the drop-ins have stopped!

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 05/01/2018 12:50

He doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he's ok with yours getting hurt? Wtf

Love51 · 05/01/2018 12:51

How blunt are you prepared to be? You have asked her not to pop in and she has disregarded your feelings. Could you be blunt enough to answer the door and turn her away? I bet twice would be enough!
You could just say it isn't convenient, if she asks why say 'because I haven't invited you'.
If normal methods haven't worked, this is justified.

RhiannonOHara · 05/01/2018 12:52

As others have said, just politely put her off. She'll get the message.

I always find it interesting in threads like this that the partners' attitude seems to be that their mother must under NO circumstances have her feelings hurt/be discommoded in any way, but the person who just wants a bit of courtesy – their fecking wife! – doesn't seem to matter.

FlashTheSloth · 05/01/2018 12:59

Apart from not answering the door, which is what I would do, is you could not let her in. Answer and say "oh sorry, it's not a good time, I wish you had texted as I said before" and repeat until she gets the message.

This would drive me batshit as I hate anyone seeing my home messy or grubby. Fine if they don't care but I really do.

redexpat · 05/01/2018 13:08

The most effective way to deal with it is to let her walk in on you having sex. SIL did this and we've always had a phonecall to check it is concinient since

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 05/01/2018 13:10

is there any pattern to her visits? i.e. can you predict a certain time/day ? I would aim to be out..... or else go with redex suggestion

melj1213 · 05/01/2018 13:28

I would just be polite but direct - if she comes round when it isn't convenient I wouldn't be hiding in my own house hoping she doesn't hear my mobile ring through the door! The best thing to do is answer the door, say it isn't convenient and then make a plan for a time that is convenient for you. That way you're taking back the control of the time she takes up but she won't go away feeling rejected outright and has been given a specific time to visit which should cut down on the drop ins without notice if you do it consistently.

"MIL! So lovely for you to drop by but unfortunately now is not a good time for a visit. If you had text me to say you were coming I could have rearranged things/let you know it wasn't convenient. I'm free on Tuesday afternoon, do you want to pop round for coffee then? Sorry for the wasted trip today but see you Tuesday at 1pm!"

Asturias2018 · 05/01/2018 13:30

Redex - Genius! I have actually heard of that working with a friend of a friend!

Leeds2 · 05/01/2018 13:33

I just wouldn't answer the door, as long as she can't see you and doesn't have her own key. If she does have her own key, change the locks and don't give her a new key.
Not sure if you have any DC, but if you are ignoring the door, make sure they don't give you away!

DotCottonDotCom · 05/01/2018 13:35

I'd say you need the spare key back for xx reason, in fact you dont even need a reason its your bloody spare keys! How rude of her to take it in the first place and intrude all the time.

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