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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's another MIL one...

99 replies

fullofhormones11 · 05/01/2018 08:41

I've namechanged for this as it's probably fairly outing.

Just to clarify I love my MIL. We have an incredibly close relationship and we get on great. That being said she DOES do/say things that grate on me occasionally but I guess everyone does. However,

In order to not drip feed, back when my DS was born in September we were both very poorly after labor. He had a bad infection (they think meningitis) so was on IV antibiotics for week and had to have a couple of lumbar punctures. I also had a bad infection and lost a LOT of blood and needed 2 blood transfusions. The week post birth was a bit of a blur! Baby was born on the Friday. MIL met DS as soon as visitor times were allowed on Saturday. She was due to come again on Sunday afternoon but due to me being poorly and PND (they had yet realised how poorly I was) I had a slight breakdown on DH and DM about being stuck in hospital, wanting to go home, the stress of DS being poorly etc etc. DM rang MIL and said to not come to visit and I was unwell and not fit for visitors. MIL told my mum I needed to 'get a grip' as being a Mum meant no time out.

Let it slide. I was upset DH never defended me against MIL but whatever. That week DH had to say with me in private room as I was struggling and DS needed taking for regular antibiotics. I never once was told I was doing a good job. Never once asked how I was. Instead was shoved down my throat about 'DH is so Lovely staying with you. I bet he's so tired. He's amazing' etc etc. I was too poorly to notice it at the time (and use to it 🙄)

Now whenever any of us is poorly (as small as a cold) it's 'suck it up fullofhormones, no rest when you're a Mum'. If DH gets it, it's 'oh poor DH. Having to go to work. And then come back to baby. Do you need this? I got you some tablets' etc etc. You see where I'm going. I get he is her son so she is bound to care more but sometimes I'm a bit  because more than likely I gave him the cold he's now suffering so much with.

Small things, like DS needing gaviscon upping for his reflux. She told me he didn't. Rang the drs (she works closely with them and if she rings we get it quicker) to order new script and didn't order higher dose even though I asked her too. I asked her why and she said he 'doesn't need it'

He needed his formula changing. I told her and she said 'no he doesnt'. Told her I was going to change it and she brought me 2 tubs of the normal stuff because 'he doesn't need it changing'.

These are just examples, I'll stop now as this post is already massive. However we recently had to move back in with PILs to save for a deposit, which I am soooo grateful for. They've helped us out no end. However I knew this would be hard but otherwise we would have been stuck renting. DS was in a right tizz last night after having vaccinations and he was crying a lot. We have our own lounge so we get our own space but she barged in asking what was wrong with him. I just said over DS screaming in my arms whilst swaying him round the room he was unwell. She then stood there at the door watching me trying to ask questions. FIL then appeared and they both just stood watching me trying to soothe distressed son. It really stressed me out.

I can't explain it. Writing it out now seems really silly. I know they were worried about their grandson as he normally is so quiet but something about them both staring at me trying to soothe DS really bothered me. Myself and DH eventually got him bathed and into bed but it upset me so much I cried when I got into bed 

AIBU and it's still my hormones that haven't settled or would that have annoyed anyone else? I can't understand why she's said and done a lot worse and I've let it slide because I do care a lot for her but something this small tipped me over the edge! Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry it's massive 

OP posts:
Clitoria · 05/01/2018 13:54

Why are you and your husband letting this drag on?

A lot of posters have OPs post highlighted a different colour so the thread is easier to read, so on a personal note, name changing OPs are a bit annoying! Blush

fullofhormones11 · 05/01/2018 14:12

@Clitoria sorry, wasn't intentionally forgetting the name change.

If you RTWT you'd see I'm not letting this continue. I'm trying to sort it. Was just checking it wasn't my hormones before I reacted

OP posts:
coconutpie · 05/01/2018 14:33

You need to move out. Rent instead and try to save what you can. It will take longer but your mental health is your wealth and you absolutely cannot live like this for the next 6+ months.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 05/01/2018 15:16

Your MIL does sound overbearing, I have sympathy because we had a bit of a battle with boundaries with my MIL when our first was born. However it sounds like you're happy to depend on her in some ways - living with her, letting her order prescriptions - and this won't help if you're trying to establish boundaries with someone who has a tendency to overstep them. I would let some things go because they're doing you a massively favour by letting you live there (whether they like you being there's or not it's still a favour to you) but as PP has said I would take control of all of your child's medical appointments, prescriptions etc and try to give your MIL more of a grandparent role, e.g. babysitting while you pop to the shops. I hope you get things sorted.

fullofhormones11 · 04/02/2018 21:06

I showed DH this thread tonight. We currently aren't speaking Sad

Update in the morning

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 04/02/2018 21:18

What precipitated you showing him the thread? Have the issues been ongoing since the start of Jan? Has there been no improvement?

Softkitty2 · 04/02/2018 21:25

2 queens in 1 castle is just not going to work.

Your relationship with her and possibly with dh will breakdown. She will grate and undermine you and your dh will never take your side.

fullofhormones11 · 04/02/2018 21:35

We recently started weaning DS (before the recommended 6 months I know but that's an entirely different thread!)

I explained (after a few winesBlush) that I felt undermined and that the Smiths (not actual married surname) seemed higher on the pecking order than the Browns (again, not my maiden name but I hope you get the gist) and it's not gone down well.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2018 21:41
Sad
jitterbug5 · 04/02/2018 21:50

I'm absolutely devastated.

Currently in DS room trying to get some sleep. Wish I never mentioned it. Apparently we are stupid for arguing about things for 4 months ago. I give up. I won't win

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/02/2018 22:10

You are going to have to be more assertive and less sensitive.
If your child needs a prescription, so it yourself and not through her. It may take longer but you are in control.
If your child needs different milk, get it yourself or order online,ask the husband or a friend. If she brings the wrong one, say thank you but I wanted x. Do you have the receipt as I will need to exchange it.
As to standing staring, you should say excuse me, I think we need some privacy now, thanks for your concern, I got this. (My usual "stand there much longer and I will start selling you tickets" probably would not go down well.
Expect grounding
Expect the sad sack face
Expect, I was only trying to be helpful
Smile and be polite but firm
Your relationship has to survive this bad patch but mil needs boundaries setting.
You could always try a shit sandwich.
"Thanks for your concern, we don't need spectators, cup of tea would be just lovely right now"

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/02/2018 22:23

Wow he's mean not listening! You need to take your son to doctors and get prescriptions. Don't use mil as she most probably genuinely believes in what she's doing and will carry on!

Owning your own home is so important. Please stand up for yourself and see it through. Plus if it's that bad why are you not moving in with your mum?

jitterbug5 · 04/02/2018 22:27

@Marriedwithchildren5 I wish we could live with my mum. I really do. She doesn't have the space for us like MIL does

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/02/2018 22:32

Ah I'm sorry. I just believe owning your own home is so important. However your sanity and relationship are also important. You need to decide if you can put up with it. Good luck.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/02/2018 22:40

I don't think partners ever quite get just how much the events immediately post-birth sink into us. I remember vividly how crap I felt about various things DH did at that time, and tbh the wounds have never gone away (6.5 years later). Being wounded when you're already vulnerable leaves big scars.

You're not wrong to still be upset, op. Sounds like he's not willing to hear that, though.

Withhindsight · 04/02/2018 22:51

Oh OP please dont see it as a head to head battle, you are turning a tanker round DH (apparently takes many miles to stop when you decide you want to!). People,have different views, but DH should be more supportive of you but I doubt under his parents roof he will have the courage. So Put your own strategies in place for coping. First agree with DH where you are moving, when and how much you need to save- i.e. How many days until you get your house. That is no1 priority and focus on that day whenever it gets too much. Then put boundaries in place, like others have suggested, take charge of your baby, you order some if, repeat, repeat you need to do this to (charm and gritted teeth with MIL needed) fully learn the ropes, you appreciate her helping but must learn to do it yourself, you owe it to baby (lay it on and repeat). Become self sufficient on all the seemingly little things but it will give you the control you need. Do move baby to another room and do ask for quiet etc while you shush him etc. You can do it.

BerylStreep · 05/02/2018 17:56

OP how are you doing today? It sounds as if things were a bit fraught yesterday.

jitterbug5 · 07/02/2018 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fullofhormones11 · 07/02/2018 10:41

Sorry for the silence! DS is poorly so had my hands full.

After Monday, DH said enough was enough and we sat down with MIL, explained our issues, she explained hers, and we just got everything out in the open. She admitted to over stepping the mark and has promised to back off unless asked. Feel so much better now. We also should be out by August in our OWN home so things are looking up all round.

Thank you for thinking of me and all your lovely advice! Thanks.

Reposted with my namechange so people could see it's me. Quite possibly the worst at name changing Mumsnet has ever seen Blush😂

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/02/2018 11:29

What were her issues?

Cigna · 07/02/2018 11:41

I´ve been in your shoes (luckily without the having to live with them part!) and the only thing I can recommend is that you get stronger! It is nice that your DH stepped up for you this time, but the situation will probably only really improve once you start becoming more sure of yourself. I get it is difficult, especially with a newborn, but it may come naturally once you get more confident in your role as a mum. You wrote that you & MIL mostly have a good relationship so being a bit more assertive when you need it could probably save it. As some pp have said: indeed, take control of caring for your baby. Don´t give MIL the chance to intervene. I´ve realised that I won´t be able to change MIL (who did far worse unfortunately) but I can change how it affects me. So a lot of what she says goes in one ear, out the other. After several years I´ve noticed that she doesn´t really make an effort to speak to me anymore (whoohoo!). She still treats her son/dh like an infant, but the good thing is that he now has also realised how ridiculous she is. Of course it still annoys me to death and I will happily complain about it online/to friends but I won´t show it to her any more (nor to my husband) and it has taken away her power over me completely. You are still living together for a few more months: pick your battles; try to ignore things as much as you can and set boundaries when she clearly crosses the line (but try to not give her any more easy occasions to do so).

fullofhormones11 · 07/02/2018 12:01

Her issues were not to do with myself or DS, funnily enough, but DH not stepping up and sorting things out himself without being nagged 100 times, things like his car needing fixing and he just keeps putting it off, ringing the bank etc. Silly things, which she would nag him about regardless of weather we lived here. That's just how she is.

I understand her frustrations though. My DH as lovely as he is seems to be unable to think for himself. It's bloody infuriating haha!

OP posts:
fullofhormones11 · 07/02/2018 12:03

@Cigna thank you so much! Sorry things aren't great with your MIL. Thanks

I do agree. I need to pick my battles! Most of the time I just grin and bare it because I can but maybe that's half my problem. I need to be more assertive, like you said.

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/02/2018 12:29

Aah yes, I quite understand those! I have an adult son like that, it gets very tiring.

I'm glad you've been able to have a talk and sort things out.

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