It's another MIL one...

[fullofhormones11]

I've namechanged for this as it's probably fairly outing.

Just to clarify I love my MIL. We have an incredibly close relationship and we get on great. That being said she DOES do/say things that grate on me occasionally but I guess everyone does. However,

In order to not drip feed, back when my DS was born in September we were both very poorly after labor. He had a bad infection (they think meningitis) so was on IV antibiotics for week and had to have a couple of lumbar punctures. I also had a bad infection and lost a LOT of blood and needed 2 blood transfusions. The week post birth was a bit of a blur! Baby was born on the Friday. MIL met DS as soon as visitor times were allowed on Saturday. She was due to come again on Sunday afternoon but due to me being poorly and PND (they had yet realised how poorly I was) I had a slight breakdown on DH and DM about being stuck in hospital, wanting to go home, the stress of DS being poorly etc etc. DM rang MIL and said to not come to visit and I was unwell and not fit for visitors. MIL told my mum I needed to 'get a grip' as being a Mum meant no time out.

Let it slide. I was upset DH never defended me against MIL but whatever. That week DH had to say with me in private room as I was struggling and DS needed taking for regular antibiotics. I never once was told I was doing a good job. Never once asked how I was. Instead was shoved down my throat about 'DH is so Lovely staying with you. I bet he's so tired. He's amazing' etc etc. I was too poorly to notice it at the time (and use to it 🙄)

Now whenever any of us is poorly (as small as a cold) it's 'suck it up fullofhormones, no rest when you're a Mum'. If DH gets it, it's 'oh poor DH. Having to go to work. And then come back to baby. Do you need this? I got you some tablets' etc etc. You see where I'm going. I get he is her son so she is bound to care more but sometimes I'm a bit  because more than likely I gave him the cold he's now suffering so much with.

Small things, like DS needing gaviscon upping for his reflux. She told me he didn't. Rang the drs (she works closely with them and if she rings we get it quicker) to order new script and didn't order higher dose even though I asked her too. I asked her why and she said he 'doesn't need it'

He needed his formula changing. I told her and she said 'no he doesnt'. Told her I was going to change it and she brought me 2 tubs of the normal stuff because 'he doesn't need it changing'.

These are just examples, I'll stop now as this post is already massive. However we recently had to move back in with PILs to save for a deposit, which I am soooo grateful for. They've helped us out no end. However I knew this would be hard but otherwise we would have been stuck renting. DS was in a right tizz last night after having vaccinations and he was crying a lot. We have our own lounge so we get our own space but she barged in asking what was wrong with him. I just said over DS screaming in my arms whilst swaying him round the room he was unwell. She then stood there at the door watching me trying to ask questions. FIL then appeared and they both just stood watching me trying to soothe distressed son. It really stressed me out.

I can't explain it. Writing it out now seems really silly. I know they were worried about their grandson as he normally is so quiet but something about them both staring at me trying to soothe DS really bothered me. Myself and DH eventually got him bathed and into bed but it upset me so much I cried when I got into bed 

AIBU and it's still my hormones that haven't settled or would that have annoyed anyone else? I can't understand why she's said and done a lot worse and I've let it slide because I do care a lot for her but something this small tipped me over the edge! Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry it's massive 

You need to move out asap. Do not live in her village and change the gp surgery if possible. You need time alone with your baby, your dh needs to grow some balls and speak to his parents. Does she walk into your bedroom? Could you put a lock on that door for privacy?

@LizzieSiddal I don't think so. He has a fantastic relationship with them both. I just think he quite enjoys being 'mothered', and he knows his mum will always give him sympathy (maybe that's the wrong word but hopefully you know what I mean) when he wants it. In the nicest way I think he's a 'Mums boy' and always has been so he wouldn't want to upset the Apple cart. It's always infuriated me but I've managed to ignore it until now!

OK well given your mil and the fact your dh is a mummy's boy who is too afraid to stand up to her this had disaster written all over it.

A lot of it is your own doing to be honest, change gp and keep her out of decisions of anything medical related, that is madness, and will definitely only get worse.

If they stand staring at you again, walk towards the door and say "I'm sure he will be fine" and usher them out the door while closing it.

Next time she says about your dh being sick say it to her, it doesn't have to be confrontational "I love how when mothers get it sick it's get up and get on with it but when it's the father it's all poor dh, how very 1940's, it won't wash here, dh can get up and get on with it too"

You can be nice but firm, just because your dh is a walk over doesn't mean you need to be

You need to move out. Forget the deposit in the short term, your mental health is more important.

Could you visit your Parents for a few days? Without your DH?
Tell him it's straining your marriage.

for you OP that sounds tough. I sort of know what you mean, I love my mum and she's lovely with my son but when we go to stay I'm ready to kill her after 3 days

By avoiding upsetting his mother, he's upsetting you! Show him the thread, your mental health is more important than his mother.

Is this just going to descend into one of those stupid threads where the OP is told that she is all that matters and her dh's relationship with his mother counts for shit? Because if it is, I'm out of here.

They are living in his mother's house...she is not chopped liver that should be utterly disregarded.

She sounds horrible.

Do her & your mum get on?

If not, I can't imagine that the call from your mum telling her not to visit went down well.

Presumably you couldn't all have moved to your mum's?

Could you go there until the Summer for some time?

That is bloody horrific

She infantilises her son and thinks its ok to do the same to you

DH needs to grow up. If you have to live with them, he needs to be the one to tell them to back off. Never mind upsetting her ffs, you are the one that needs looked after right now and she is not helping, she is hindering.

You are doing a great job but the current status quo is likely to ruin your relationship with pil. When dh gets home, I think you should sit together and write a list of ground rules.

It is a lot easier being at work than home with a baby, especially a poorly baby. Agree with pp that you need to order prescriptions etc and you dictate what she can help with. You are the main mother now and she needs her role spelled out. Say with confidence, 'its fine, I know my baby, we'll see you later' and close the door if they ever stand like that again. You really have my sympathy

I think the problem with in law relationships is that you get the intensity of family relationships without the ability to tell them when they've upset you.

For they first few years of my boys life, my MIL stayed with us about 1/4 of the time. She likes to 'help' but her version of tidying included getting a black bag and binning anything she thought out of place - so vital paperwork (including cheques) left out on the side, mixed in with the contents of the food recycling caddy which she'd carefully scrape out and wash up. She'd cry when I'd mention it and then carry on anyway.

My DH is pretty good at backing me up (she used to be pretty nasty until he told her if she made him choosw he'd always choose me) but he didnt know what to say. So I told him that my relationship with her would breakdown completely if she carried on. So he told her, every single time. It took a few goes but it worked and things became much more amicable.

My point is can you tell your husband that he needs to sort it or it will continue to deteriorate?

Well if he’s a “mummy’s boy” I’ve lost all sympathy fir him. If he had childhood issues there’s an excuse for not knowing how to support his wife. He doesn’t have an excuse and he needs to start putting you first.

Maybe he could carry on living with his mummy and you could move out with the baby? Put that to him and see what his reaction is!

Could ye go to your own dps at weekends or more for you just to get a break. You need your own space with a baby as ye are only learning so don't need anyone breathing down your back.
I don't know if l could do it. I couldn't have my own dm with me after birth as l hated anyone looking at me as l tried to figure things out. Get mil to mind baby for an hour everyday if she can so you can go out for a walk coffee whatever to get space.

@diddl they do get on, they aren't the best of friends but we often go for lunch the 3 of us. That comment to my DM did really annoy her, she actually didn't tell me a while later until I was out of hospital and settled as she didn't want to cause me any upset whilst I was poorly. My DM is great, but can be quite confrontational when it comes to her kids so I can only imagine how hard it would have been for her to not say anything, bless her!

Living with her isn't really an option. She hasn't got the space to accommodate anymore. PIL have a lovely big house, with a bedroom for myself and DH and a bedroom for DS, our own bathroom and our own lounge so on a practical basis it was ideal. They were actually looking to downsize this year so it was a 'now or never' in order to save, IYSWIM

@LizzieSiddal I told him he was a mummy's boy years ago after one too many wines by mistake I meant it in jest but he took most offence. Maybe it was a reality check

I'm actually considering going to my DPs for a bit. Even for just a few days as they can't really accommodate as they have a smaller house. But maybe like a lot of you are saying, just for a break!

My only concern is it being completely out the blue to PIL. As DH has never stood up to them I expect they don't think anything is wrong

Your mil sounds like a control freak at best and a narc at worst. They (narcs)always blow hot and cold to confuse you and make out it is you who are being unreasonable. My advice is to get your head down and save as much as you can and buy the shared house. Get away from them don't buy in the same village whatever you do. I think you should google narc behaviour it may shed some light on the whole scenario with mil. Good luck my dear , this is not you it is her/them.

A break sounds like a good idea. Give yourself a chance to clear your head and look at things with clarity. Might do your DH good to think about his relationships too.

Is your MIL medically qualified in some way? The way you describe the interactions makes it sound as if she thinks she is better qualified than you to judge situations.

It reminds me of my MIL, who was a HCP, but because she had done a year of medical school in the early 1960s, would set herself up as the authority On All Things Medical. It was very frustrating and had the effect of undermining us as parents.

I think at this stage hormones can be all over the place, and issues can become magnified, but I think you need to start trying some strategies to deal with this in the short term. Each time she undermines you, stand your ground. It doesn't need to be confrontational, just unswayingly assertive.

Sort out prescriptions etc yourself if you can.

Preferably stop relying on her to get milk etc, but if you can't avoid it, then if she gets something else, say 'You didn't get the one I asked for. I'm going out to get the correct one' and throw the wrong ones in the bin.

If they stand looking at you, say 'thanks - i'll let you know if I need anything.' If they still don't leave, then 'honestly, this would be easier without an audience - I'll speak to you later.'

I would find the dismissiveness of your health hard to cope with. Again, try to have a strategy if she starts to suggest you are just wallowing in self pity (which is what her comments sound a bit like to me).

Ultimately, I agree with all the other posters who are saying you probably need to move out sooner rather than later. I think you need to try to start working on healthy boundaries in the meantime.

You need to have a frank conversation with your DH. He is prioritising his mother over you and your DS. His role is to protect you from interfering PIL not stand by whilst they mither you.

I agree with pictish. None of the examples given suggest anything other than concerned parents to me.

You're living in her house with a newborn. It's just not realistic to expect they'll anticipate exactly what to do and say to keep you happy.

I was always delighted when other people helped with DS, including giving forthright advice. Im not friends with or related to anyone who doesn't offer advice where they think they can give it.

In my humble opinion you should show your DH this thread so he understands the depth of how you feel at the moment. I’m hoping it will help him pull on his big boy trousers and realise that pussyfooting around his mother and letting his mother behave as she does is effectively pitting the three of them against you. In his desire NOT to upset mummy he is upsetting you and putting a strain on your relationship.
Personally, I would stay until summer. BUT only on the strict understanding that DH and you speak to PIL and get boundaries set up ie a lock on your door, not interfering in how you raise your children etc.

Your DH needs to understand that he his married to you and ergo, he has to support you.
I would follow advice given by pp ie. change your GP, have a stock of polite phrases ( I’m just settling baby and i am best doing it alone thank you), go to your parents / any friends who will have you for a regular night or two. DONT entertain living within walking distance either!!!
Good luck! Stand up to her!

@pictish @MorrisZapp I would never disregard either of my PIL, I've stated many times that I care deeply for my MIL (and my FIL for that matter) and that we have a great relationship. Hence my post. I wanted to check if I was being unreasonable in my (hormonal fed) feelings or if I had reason to be upset. I haven't and wouldn't refer to my PIL as 'chopped liver' or anything close to it, I appreciate what they are doing and have stated how grateful I am.

I'm about to give up this namechange malarkey 😅

But the mil isnt just trying to “help”. She’s telling the OP what to do, she has no right to change a prescription or decide with formula is right for the baby. That is not normal behaviour.