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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let them be god parents?

39 replies

trevthecat · 04/01/2018 15:41

Had ds 11 weeks ago. And we've been thinking of having him christened. We're not overly religious but partners mum is so it's more for her really. My partner wants his step brother (dads wife's son) and wife to be god parents as we are their dd's god parents. My issue is they haven't met our baby. They live about 40 mins drive from us but have been in the area seeing friends and family but haven't been round. They sent a card when d's was born and sent Christmas presents. Step brother has rang my partner several times in the last couple of months asking for him to book him in to do some work on their house but don't ask about baby! We have some really close friends who I think we should ask and that if the worst happened I know they would take good care of ds. (Not that step brother wouldn't) aibu to put my foot down and say No, they haven't bothered meeting ds so shouldn't be considered?

OP posts:
TrojansAreSmegheads · 04/01/2018 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersWig · 04/01/2018 15:45

Godparents are for moral and, supposedly, spiritual guidance. They do not "inherit" your children if you die and raise them in your stead.

MargaretCavendish · 04/01/2018 15:46

Totally up to you - and seems fair enough to say you don't want someone who hasn't seen the baby in 11 weeks - but you don't have to pick godparents who would raise the child if you died - in fact, very few people do (as indicated by the fact that people pick different godparents for their different children!), so that doesn't need to be part of the consideration. Whoever you pick as godparents, you should still make a will setting out your wishes for the raising of your son if both you and your partner died.

meowchi · 04/01/2018 15:50

Question is who is going to give the best gifts?

Original poster
trevthecat · 04/01/2018 15:54

He probably wouldn't go to a god parent if we did die, my mum and mil would probably fight to the death for him!! But I thought that was the main idea of them 🤔 but as pp has said for guidance and such I want someone who knows and cares about him. Should of added in first post, step brothers dd we used to see often but after ds was born we haven't had chance to go to them. Other factors at home have prevented that which they are aware of

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 04/01/2018 15:59

Have who you want. If anyone says anything say it was a really hard decision but we chose the people who have played the biggest part in ds' life so far.

ShatnersWig · 04/01/2018 16:00

Trev Many people still think that is the main idea of them. They are incorrect. If you want someone very definitely to take over in loco parentis then you need to appoint them legal guardians in the event of your death. Totally different to godparents. Amazes me so many people still think otherwise.

MessyBun247 · 04/01/2018 16:06

It needs to be a joint decision between you and your partner. Is there much point getting your DC christened if you aren’t religious anyway? Not being goady, just genuinely curious.

EastDulwichWife · 04/01/2018 16:09

Agree with @shatnerswig. I'd rather go further afield and try and lock down excellent people who won't be able to run away, not family who will always be around. Though in this instance, perhaps not..! Also, no need to 'return the favour' with god parents.

thebumblebearbee · 04/01/2018 16:11

Does your DP want his brother to be a god parent?

BlueFleece · 04/01/2018 16:12

What does it matter who you pick if you are only doing it for MiL and don't actually care for religious guidance - don't really get why you would bother with christening at all, sorry.

Surely the important thing is having people your DC trust and who care for them - regardless of 'title'.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/01/2018 16:12

I don't know what religion you are baptising DC in to but I see no reason why they couldn't all be God Parents?
All 3 of my DC have a mix of Godparents from different sides of family and mix of friends.
The more the merrier I say Flowers

KERALA1 · 04/01/2018 16:12

If you want guardians appointed in the unlikely event you both die before your child is 18 you need to appoint them, preferably in a will where you set up a trust too to sort out the financial side. Assuming godparents automatically take on a guardianship role is incorrect its an entirely separate thing.

horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 16:13

Being made godparent doesn't have any legal consequences.

But my best friend and ex got very sick some years ago and seeing as I'm her son's godmother and she had broken off all contact with her parents... this was something she, DH and I did indeed talk about. But these arrangements need to be done separately.

Anyhow, YANBU. But it does depend on your "familiy politics", I guess. Would it create a lot of drama?

Godparents don't need to be a couple. You could name his stepbrother and one of your friends? Or your DC could have 4 godparents...?

Coastalcommand · 04/01/2018 16:14

You can have multiple godparents. In our church, up to 6, so you could have them all

horatioisabrick · 04/01/2018 16:16

don't actually care for religious guidance

My godfather was a very important person in my life when I was growing up.

Not in the sense of religious guidance, no. But I'm still glad that I had one. Not just for birthday gifts, btw.
He was a bit like an uncle, I guess.

Original poster
trevthecat · 04/01/2018 16:17

Yes partner wants his step brother to be god parent. I had not really thought about the legal side but now it all makes sense! Son would go to one of our parents anyway. Yes it is mainly for mil but I like the idea and am willing to bring him up with a religious theme (if that makes sense) I'm just not happy with step brother as he has made no effort to meet him.

OP posts:
Cindie943811A · 04/01/2018 16:19

You can have as many godparents as you wish. Tradition tends to be 2 godmothers and 1 godfather for a girls and 2 godfathers and one godmother fr a boy. The Royal family usually have a number of godparents.
So why not ask both couples? Then you both get your choice. If rellies are a dead loss, then your DS has your friend to take an interest in him.
Even if you are not particularly religious but regard yourselves as nominally Christian, then you are not being unreasonable planning to have your son christened. Also a great occasion for family

Cindie943811A · 04/01/2018 16:24

Also a great opportunity to celebrate a new life and to think about all that entails, what support family and friends can provide your DS in the future.
Folk with no religious beliefs often opt for a naming ceremony, anyway.
Good luck

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/01/2018 16:25

OP I take your point that he hasn't made an effort to meet your Dbaby but not everyone great with babies-it doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good Godparent.
So I still think you should have both-
I def think you go with a choice from each of you-you might be surprised how the relationships pan out as DC grows up.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2018 16:26

He probably wouldn't go to a god parent if we did die, my mum and mil would probably fight to the death for him!! But I thought that was the main idea of them

It really isn’t and it’s probably more important (but less pleasant!) to think about what would happen to your child if the worst happened.

Have you looked at what godparents (and parents) promise to do during a christening? If I weren’t religious I would definitely have a naming ceremony instead.

Perhaps your best bet would be to talk to the minister of the church you’d go to for the christening (or thanksgiving service instead-no baptism which is what I’d choose-the child can later choose to be baptised if they decide to become a Christian themselves when they’re old enough to understand what that means).

BuffysFavouriteStake · 04/01/2018 16:29

OP, have you explained to DP why you're not keen on his DSB being godfather? What has he said?

Does he understand your point?

AuditAngel · 04/01/2018 16:29

We have 3DC, the oldest 2 have 4 godparents each (with some overlap) the youngest has 5 (mainly because we asked someone for DC2 who said they weren't ready, picked GP's for DC3 a pic heard through the grapevine that this person was hoping to be asked; we had already asked 2 couples, but figured one more would be fine)

Weezol · 04/01/2018 16:31

In my faith it's usual to have 4 godparents. Might be two couples, some relatives or friends or any combination of that. My godparents were a couple, an uncle and a family friend. The couple and uncle had drifted away by the time I was three.

I'm still in touch (at 43) with my remaining godparent. She is the childless friend that my dad's family thought was 'an odd choice'.

She's been a stable and thoughtful presence throughout my life. She's ace and I love her very much.

So have could your DP have them as 'his' two and you pick another two? Compromise is often a good solution.

Original poster
trevthecat · 04/01/2018 16:33

Yes have told him. He said he understands my point but still wants him as we are their dd god parents. I think he thinks they will expect to be asked and be a bit annoyed if they aren't. He's not confrontational at all with family and doesn't want to upset Anyone!

OP posts:
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