Paying for younger sibling

[Eucalyptusleaf]

My sister is 6 years younger, so quite an age difference. We live in different countries. I'm married with kids, a mortgage etc, she's flatsharing with a friend and working casual hospitality jobs after finishing university a couple of years ago.

She's staying with us for a month over the Christmas holidays. We offered to pay half of her flight over here (long haul so expensive) - we like her seeing the kids, and obviously like seeing her too, and she has less money than us so it seemed like a nice thing to do (plus nice big sister thing to help with).

My AIBU is, am I unreasonable to get a bit annoyed that she doesn't then offer to pay for things once she's over here? She'll happily let us buy the groceries, meals out, and won't instigate paying for things unless I say 'right, I think it's your turn!' Which I hate doing. But is it infantilising her to pay for everything for her, or should I suck it up being the older sister? She's mid twenties. I'm on unpaid maternity leave and although we are alright financially (and definitely more stable than her), we don't have much spare cash at the moment. The flight contribution was a stretch.

You’re both adults now, so the “older sister” thing shouldn’t really be relevant here.

Would having a conversation with her about money help? Explain that things are a bit tight for you at the minute, so you’d like her to contribute something towards groceries, meals etc?

Even if she only willingly paid the same amount out for what she would be paying at home (eg groceries, travel), that would be something.

Is it possible though that she gave up some work to stay with you, and she simply doesn't have the money? I guess she's still having to pay for her share of the rent and any other associated house expenses - with no income, how is she managing that?

YANBU. I used to stay with older sister abroad for a month and always made a contribution, even when I was a student.

I used to pick up the bill at the restaurant regularly and buy food for the house.

I also used to take lots of gifts.

How does she react when you tell her it's her turn to pay? (Which I think if fine, by the way, if said in a friedly way.)

She is obviously so used to you playing the parent, paying role that she hasn't caught up with the fact that she is two years out of university and a grown adult!

I think in order to enjoy her month with you totally, oh is she with you already? I was going to say first of all decide in your head what you would like her to do and then ask her to do it. She can't guess what would be ok with you - what suits you may not suit another.

So ask her - I am sure you can do it nicely

She probably has this image of you as a rich older sister with a house etc. And a better life than hers at the mo. And this as a holiday where she gets free food. I think it would have been better to discuss it before she came out to see you but you can still sit her down now and find out how things are and if she has any money at all left for food.

I personally don’t think a contribution should be expected from a guest (family or not). Like others have said, it’s possible she has given up work to stay with you (or at least isn’t getting paid).

I was guilty of this when I used to stay with my brother, but I had gone with my parents so easily slipped into the 'child' role of being paid for. Now that our parents are dead I fully pay my way when I visit in terms of meals out etc but probably not with groceries. But I do host him and his family when they visit here.

She's a guest, she doesn't earn a great deal when she is at work, she is probably paying rent on her flat while she is staying with you but she will not be paid while she is away: I think YABU to ask for contributions to groceries.

Oh I know she's fallen into the child mode, and the thing is, I would happily play the adult if money wasn't quite so tight at the moment. She will see me as the rich sister, I know.

She's getting holiday money while she's away from her jobs, and was busy booking a few nights away with her boyfriend for when she gets back, so I don't think she has no money at all. But true that she's still paying her rent while she's here.

We've had a friend stay recently for six weeks, who whenever we went somewhere for lunch would insist on picking up the bill, and would buy takeaway for us etc, so the difference with my sister is noticeable!

And stop paying for half her flight!

As she gets older, this is just going to get more annoying.

A guest is like fish. They start stinking after 3 days - unless they make effort and contribution to the household.

I think YABU - she's only with you for a relatively short visit so it's not a long term problem, personally I'd enjoy having my younger sister to stay and wouldn't expect her to contribute financially. Does she help in other ways - babysitting, cooking, etc.?

And I'm not asking for contributions for everyday groceries. Just when we go to the supermarket she'll chuck stuff in our trolley that she wants to eat for herself and not say anything when I pay at the end. And friends who stay definitely don't do this!

It's not a major thing. And when I say 'it's your turn' she does pay, although not especially graciously. I just don't know when the 'two adults' thing applies, like other friends, or if I should just act like the parent given our different life stages.

Just when we go to the supermarket she'll chuck stuff in our trolley that she wants to eat for herself and not say anything when I pay at the end.

She's rude. I think you're setting yourself up for this dynamic for the rest of your lives if you put up with it.

Does she send you birthday cards and pressies to kids?

Next time you go to the supermarket, ask her if she wants a basket for her shopping. Or put a basket in the trolley for her shopping. When you get to the checkout, ask her if she wants to do her stuff first. Or line her stuff up behind yours with the divider in between.

When you're planning things out, say to her we're doing to do xyz, it costs xx amounts, are you OK to pay that or do you want to do something cheaper?

"Two adults" applies when you are both working & earning!

Who suggested that you pay half of her flight & why?

Just when we go to the supermarket she'll chuck stuff in our trolley that she wants to eat for herself and not say anything when I pay at the end. And friends who stay definitely don't do this!

I agree with you that this isn’t on.

The groceries/meals I wouldn’t expect her to pay for.

But any extras, it would never occur to me to expect the host to pay.

Mind you, I wouldn’t expect them to pay for my plane ticket either.

Perhaps the prospect of free flights and accommodation is leading her to take the phrase ”all expenses paid” to a whole new level?

She shouldn’t be expecting you to pay for groceries she’s just chucking in your trolley. Put a basket in the trolley and put her things in it, then you each pay separately. Or separate things out on the belt.

You really need to talk to her. Tell her money’s tight for you, especially after paying half her flight, and you can’t keep paying for extra things, she needs to contribute and pay a little for her way.

She’s only your sister, not a scary boss!

She is being thoughtless, and probably doesn't even know it. We have relatives in Oz and when we visited we contributed for supermarket shopping, fuel etc as we knew how expensive it can be having visitors for a month. Our relative came over for 6 weeks in the summer and did the same thing.
Perhaps a quiet word to sister, if you get on well she shouldn't take offence.

I would stay with my much older (11 years) sister during holidays and I took everything for granted as a child.
By 20s though I would have driven myself there and taken my nieces and nephews out on trips at either my (or my mum's ☺️) expense.
I'd explain that maternity leave puts you in a position where it's not easy to pay for everything and that she should at least contribute for her own items bought in supermarkets
Probably best to make things clear before the next visit so she's aware of the situation and not getting mixed feelings of guilt/grumpiness when pulled up on it

I wouldn’t expect any guest to pay for groceries, meals etc. My BIL lives overseas and stays with us for a month every year and never contributes a penny. The thought hadn’t even occurred to me.

Re supermarket just put a small basket in your trolley and suggest she puts her stuff in there so she can pay for it separately.
She’s your sister she should be able to understand why.

"Vq1970 has great, practical suggestions.

When we visited friends abroad for a couple of weeks, I tried to pick up a bill in the English shop and was refused. We took turns to pay for meals out and we went out a lot. When another tight wad friend visited them, he sat on his hands and paid for nothing and went out for several meals all paid for by the hosts. Some people are grabby.

Your sister is treating you more like a parent. Or is being a tight wad. Time to discuss the situation perhaps. And I agree with not subsidising flights. Doing so is perpetuating the dynamic.

My two cousins are like this. There’s a seven year age gap. The older one is on a director level six figure salary and the younger one doesn’t work (she chooses not to, both kids are in full time school). I’m very close to them so we go out for meals etc a lot. I put my third share of the bill in and the older sister will pay the other two thirds without asking to even see the bill. She pays for everything for her sister, taxis etc.

Younger sister was disappointed this year as she didn’t get a share of the Christmas bonus. She normally uses it to pay off her credit card.

Turquoise 😯